Broken Trust

Chapter 17 - Broken

Every ten second Alec caught himself glaring at the phone. Willing it to ring. He didn't understand why he hadn't heard from Magnus yet. It was almost midnight, and he had expected Magnus' family dinner to end hours ago. Had his parents taken the news so poorly? Was Magnus lying on the floor somewhere crying his eyes out? Heartbroken?

   Once more Alec rose to his feet and grabbed the phone. While pacing back and forth he ensured that the signal was alright and checked his voicemail, in case he had missed the call.

   "Goddamnit Alec! Don't be so overdramatic!"

Alec tossed his phone into the cushions on the couch. It was the fifteenth time he had checked his phone. Agitated he ran his fingers through the mess his hair had become. He hadn't been able to concentrate about anything these last couple of hours.

   The sound of the doorbell rang through Alec's ears, startling him. nobody but Magnus ever came over this late at night.

   Magnus!

Realizations, that it probably was him, caused Alec to through himself towards the door, almost stumbling over his own long legs. He launched himself at the door and yanked it open, almost tearing it from the hinges.

   Outside Magnus was still standing with his hand raised for a knock, completely stunned by the force of which the door had been opened.

   "Magnus! You are here!"

Grabbing Magnus by the waist he lifted him up and pulled him in tight. The stunned man couldn't do nothing else than wrap his arms and legs around the giant that had nearly consumed him.

   "It's nice to see you too Alexander"

Magnus grinned out while trying to catch his breath.

   "But you are almost choking me."

   "Oh shit. Sorry."

   Alec rapidly placed Magnus at his feet again and loosened his grip lightly, but not letting go.

   "I've been so nervous Magnus. I was afraid that your parents had been angry with you and that you were heartbroken. Regretting everything."

   Alec kissed Magnus tenderly.

   "But now you are here, and everything is alright. How did they take it? Tell me everything."

   Alec let Magnus into the apartment, gesturing towards the couch. But Magnus had only stepped inside and then closed the door. Not moving deeper into the living-room. When Alec realized this, he turned around.

   "Magnus, are you alright?"

He tried to catch Magnus' eyes, but he had fastened his gaze to the ground. When Alec saw a glimpse of a tear streaming down Magnus' face, he knew that Magnus had backed out. Yet again.

   Alec stepped to lean against the wall for support, when he felt his legs tremble beneath him. He was afraid to fall to the ground now that he could feel all of his own energy getting sucked out of him. He swallowed a couple of times, trying to choke down the sob that was building inside him, before speaking with a trembling voice.

   "You didn't tell the, did you?"

When Magnus didn't answer, but just started sobbing Alec slid down to the ground. Leaning against the wall.

   I can't keep doing this. I can't live like this... I love him, but what kind of a love is it, if we can't be together unless no one knows?

   Magnus kneeled down in front of Alec, tears still streaming down his face.

   "I'm sorry Alexander. Please believe me..."

Alec rose one hand, palm flat in front of Magnus.

   "Please stop... just stop..."

With a heartbreaking gasp followed by weeping sounds, Magnus sat back on his heels. He could tell he had reached Alec's limit. The feeling of his own heart breaking collided with the sense of Alec's heard breaking too. And he knew he was the one to blame for it. Again.

   Alec closed his eyes for a moment, collecting his strength before pulling Magnus slightly closer. Just close enough to rest his forehead against Magnus'.

   "I'm sorry Magnus, but I cant do this anymore. I know you love me, I really do, but you keep breaking me. I know it's never your intention, and I do understand why you do it, but I have to think of myself first. I can't live like this. I love you, but I just can't."

   Trough the sobs, Magnus answered.

   "I know Alexander. And I won't ask you too anymore. It hasn't been fair to ask you to wait for me in the first place. Not when I didn't know if I ever would be able to come out."

   Alec nodded while hearing Magnus' words. It was the truth, and they both knew it. Maybe one day Magnus would be able to come out and be proud of who he was, but it was not now, and not even in the near future.

   "Magnus... can I ask you what happened at dinner?"

   "Of course, you can Alexander... I had prepared my speech to my parents, but when I got there my old coach was there. And as soon as I saw him, I knew I wouldn't be coming out today. I couldn't say it in front of him. and that's when I realized, that if I couldn't even say it in front of my old coach, I would probably not be able to say it to anyone else outside my family... and that's when I knew that you deserved so much better than what I could give you..."

   Alec closed his eyes for a second, taking in what Magnus had just told him. If he hadn't been sure before, he definitely was sure now. Magnus was nowhere near ready, and had probably not even been ready to tell his parents. Alec had just been pressuring him so much, he wanted to do it anyways.

   "Magnus, I am so sorry for trying to push you to do something you were not ready for. This is not you fault, it is mine. I've been selfish and hadn't considered how hard it all had been for you. I'm sorry... I hope you can forgive me, and that we can still be friends. And maybe one day you'll be ready, and we'll be able to try again?"

   "I would like that, Alexander. And it is not your fault. I was the one who kept on hunting you down. Trying to get you to give me a chance, and then not being able to give you what you needed, and I'm sorry."

   With tears slowly streaming down Alec's cheeks he dragged Magnus closer, gently kissing his lips.

   "I love you Magnus, and I wish you find exactly what you are looking for in the world."

   "I love you too, but..."

Magnus pulled away, avoiding Alec's stare.

   "I'm not finished with my story..."

   "okay..."

   "My old coach offered me a job. An amazing opportunity Alexander, and I couldn't pass it down."

   "What is the opportunity?"

   "I'm getting to be a coaching assistant for the Knicks. It's a dream come true. You know they are my favorite team and I just couldn't say no..."

   "Wow Magnus, that is amazing!"

Alec pushed his own feelings and desires down and boxed them away. He was proud of Magnus and he didn't want his own selfishness to get in the way of feeling happy for Magnus.

   "You're right. Its and amazing opportunity! And actually, I would be kicking your ass if you had turned that offer down. It's your destiny Magnus. I really believe it is."

   Slowly Magnus looked up at Alec.

   "So, you are not mad at me?"

   "Of course not, my love. I want you to have the world. And one day, I might have a place in that world too."

   Magnus smiled at Alec.

   "I truly hope you will, Alexander. I do love you more than I can ever say."

   "I know Magnus. Our timing just sucks. As always."