[onhold] Through All Seasons

3│Winter: 'I appreciate the way you watch me, I can't lie.'

By Friday, as the announcement made it through the halls and to practically everyone's minds, the entire school knew that Collin had to play the main role in the next play performed by the drama group. 

Along with some girl nobody knew.

That would be me then. Again: yay me. 

This circumstance made this Friday pretty bad for me. The girls stared at me in disgust and denial. Not only once I heard "This girl. Really?" The boys stared at me as they saw me for the very first time. Which they probably did and thought to themself: "This girl goes to our school, since when?" 

Before this very day, I was invisible, now I was more visible than most. A spot, I never wanted to take. The girl who will kiss Collin. Good thing, they don't know this yet. 

Apparently, Collin was just as unhappy about his punishment as me. But he was responsible, he made this happen, I was just collateral damage. Its like this since always: the boy does something stupid, receives punishment and some poor other soul has to carry it out with him even though they had nothing to do with it. 

It reminded me of elementary school. There was a boy named Julian in my class and I hated him. He always pulled my hair or took away my school equipment. One day, he threw something through the class and as a punishment he had to switch seats - away from his best friend - right next to me. His punishment was therefore also my punishment, even though I didn't do anything wrong. 

In U.S. history he looked at me like he couldn't quite figure me out and I gave him my you-don't-matter-to-me look which hoped was just telling him my feeling towards this "arrangement" as well. 

I did not want to play with him. At all. Can this nightmare please be over? 

'Collin, please just apologize and make it undone.'

When he is in drama class, it will just bring up my anxiety again because Collin was Collin. I will be nervous, and I will stutter and I will totally mess up. In front of the entire school, because everyone is going to watch Collin act, of course. 

Damn. 

Damn.

Damn. 

"What's your name?" 

I blinked as Collin brought me out of my frightful thoughts. He had turned around and faced me now. He actually talked to me. This must be the first time, we have never really spoken a word with each other. 

"What?" I asked, confused by the question. I mean, was he serious? We go to school together since Middle School. Or he must have gotten my name somehow today right? Maybe he was deaf...

And didn't he check out the announcement for the play this morning? My name was right above his. I was probably expecting way too much of Collin He-could-totally-model Harris. Maybe he was deaf and unable to read. 

"No reason to snap," he said and turned around again like he didn't care anymore what my name was. 

'First of all, I didn't snap, and second, think for once in your life. Asshole.' That's what I should have said. But no. No drama River was back at it again. 

Hot-stuff asshole. 

After U.S. history I went straight for my locker and exchanged books. 

"So, River it is. Was this so hard?" Collin appeared next to me and leaned against the lockers. He pierced me down with his blue eyes. 

"A wonder, you figured it out all by yourself," I said, trying my best to keep my confidence and not starting to drool all over him like the two girls giggling behind him. 

"Did your parents like rivers so much?" He asked. Why was he even here? Didn't he have friends or fans who'd appreciate his being much more than me? 

"Maybe. I never asked them." I personally liked my name. People associate something romantic with it, something nice at least. "And your parents? Were they just looking for one of the most common names in the USA, right? Keeping it simple? How did they know it'd be such a great match with your personality." Holy mother of... 

I dared to look into the deep blue again as I closed my locker. 

For a second, I could see his lips curl into a smile before it was gone again. 

"Maybe. I never asked them." He said and turned around. I stared at his back as walked down the hallway. 

"Stop drooling over him." I heard a female voice next to me. Sarah gave me a merciless look. 

Sarah - what to tell? Cheerleader? - Check! Annoying as hell? - Check! Maneater? - Check! Crush on Collin? - Check! Couldnt read peoples faces? - Check! Because I certainly wasn't drooling over Collin. 

"Alright, if you say so then I, of course, will stop," I said sarcastically. Internally rolling my eyes to feel a bit better about myself. 

I learned that it didn't matter how I responded to them, they didn't like me anyway. 

She shook her head disapprovingly and gladly kept going. 

I was already late for my next class and hurried. 

In the following classes, my mind was not on school material. The school was over sooner or later and I was released into the weekend. On Monday, drama practice would begin, but that's something Monday-River would have to worry about. 

I walked out of the school building towards my bike which was still parked lonely where I left it in the morning. My thoughts tangled already in the next book I will start reading today. 

"River!" someone shouted behind me. I turned around, expecting Thomas, but it was Collin. Like what the hell. My stomach twisted painfully. 

I really should keep him out of my mind. 

I turned around again and continued walking to my bike. The last thing I wanted to do was showing him any kind of emotion he triggered within me. 

But he reached me effortlessly before I even got any closer to the bicycle stand. "Come to my party tonight." 

"What?" I faced him again. 

"Is that your default answer to everything people tell you?" 

"No, just for you. You ask me stuff, I can't believe you are asking me." 

"Like your name?" He raised one eyebrow. 

"Yea, we go to the same classes since Middle School." I couldn't believe I had that conversation with him. A part of me, far inside, wanted to continue talking. Wanted to spend time with him. Wanted him to get to know me. I have been admiring him from afar for so long now. Maybe now was a time to take small steps towards each other. 

But I also knew that this would never be a reality. So in order to save myself and keep my heart safe, I said: "And the answer is no." 

I finally reached my bike, opened the lock and put my bag in the basket. 

"No?" He seemed seriously confused when he followed me. 

"That's right. No, I won't come to your party." And with that, I left him and rode back home.

Internally, I could truly not believe I just pulled that off. I stayed serious, I didn't stutter, I made my point clear. I guess, the past two years of drama class finally paid off. You could say I was proud of me. 

But I was also sad, somewhere deep down. Sad because I was not in a position where I could actually go to his party. Where I could have fantasies about him which might become real. 

I mean, why did he invite me in the first place? What were his intentions? 

To save myself, again, I should stay away from him. As far as I can. 

Everyone knew Collin meant trouble. 

*****

Any thoughts? Remarks? :)