Finding Me

The Beginning

      I pressed my back against the brick wall of the old tin factory and shut my eyes, I could feel bile forcing its way up my throat. In and out I repeated to myself as I tried to breath, but I couldn't. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped.

It was Peter, He looked rabid, something in his eyes scared me. He grabbed my collar and pushed me, my head banging on the wall.

"You better keep your fucking mouth shut" he whispered, his breath smelling like alcohol.

"And if I don't?" I retorted

"Then I will kill you" and that night, looking into his eyes I knew that he would.

Six months later

"Thanks for coming" I smiled as I repeated those words and shook the hands of every sad and depressed person that left the grief counseling meeting. It had been a fast process, getting everyone to go home after the meeting. None of them wanted to be there anyway. I was finally alone of course except for Andrew Colburn.

"What do you want?" I refused to look at Andrew, so I busied myself by stacking the cheap white plastic chairs that were arranged in a circle.

"You haven't been answering my calls" at the sound of Andrews voice my hands started to shake and goosebumps appeared on my skin. I didn't say anything, so Andrew continued talking.

"I've left you 23 texts Sid and you've answered none of them" I read them though and he knew that. I didn't stop to look at Andrew afraid to look into those eyes that had never failed to ignite something inside me.

"Sid"

"Don't call me that" I was done now. All the chairs were stacked on top of each other in five pillars that towered over my small frame.

I finally turned around in to face Andrew, but I wouldn't look up instead I wrapped my shaking hands around myself.

"I have a boyfriend now and he wouldn't appreciate you texting me so please stop." My voice was shaky and little above a whisper, but I was proud of myself for being able to say anything at all.

Andrew started to walk towards me, but I stepped back until I felt one of the chair pillars touch my back.

"I'm not here to get back together, Sidney." Somehow hearing him say that hurt even though that's what I wanted. I wanted him to get over me because I'm over him.

"Then what are you here for?!!" I shouted, finally looking up. And it was staring into his dark blue eyes that I knew I was never going to be over him. He ignored my outburst and continued.

"I'm better now, I went away for a while for the burial but I'm better now and I want us to be friends"

Now that I looked at him, he looked bigger like he had filled out over the past few months, he had always been tall but now his presence took up the entire room and I couldn't look anywhere but him.

"You hurt me Andy" His face lit up when he heard me use his nickname.

"I know that, and I want to make it right."

"I'm not sure you can"

"don't say that" he was standing right in front of me now, so close that I could feel the heat from his body.

"I know I hurt you Sid, but I love you, I never stopped loving you and that's why I can't stand not being close to you."

Against my will my heart beat faster, faster than it had in a long time.

He pressed his palm against my cheek, and I felt my body lean into it. I hate myself because I let him pull me to his body and I let him kiss the top of my head. I would have let him fuck me right there on the floor of the church basement if he asked. But as his lips touched my head my phone rung and I was broken out of his spell.

I accepted the call and pressed my phone to my ear.

"where you at? I'm outside" the voice was deep and for I second I feared that it was Bill, my boyfriend.

"Sid, you there?" Then I knew it was Rashad because Bill never called me Sid, he called me baby and honey never Sid.

"yeah" I squeaked out.

"I'll be out in a minute."

I took a deep breath and I brushed past Andrew, my skin tingling where we touched. I rushed out of the basement and up the stairs and I didn't breathe out until I was sitting in the passenger seat of Rashad's red truck.

"thanks for picking me up"

"no problem" He flashed me one of his famous smiles and started the car.

"so how was the meeting?" he asked as he drove out of the church parking lot and onto the highway.

"it was long and boring" I was staring at my hands and I started picking at the black nail polish that already started to come off.

"if you hate it so much why do you go every week?"

I turned in my seat to face him, feeling my stare he gave me a quick glance and I smirked.

"because I enjoy being around people who are as depressed as I am."

I was wondering if I should tell him about Andrew. Even though they had never met he knew everything that happened between me and Andrew.

"Guess who crashed the meeting today"

"who?" he asked, his eyes never leaving the road.

"Andrew Colburn"

"no fucking way"

I laughed at the way his accent made him sound. Andrew was from south London and every time he cussed his accent was thicker than usual.

"yup"

"what happened?" I explained everything that happened although I left out the part where he told me he loved me.

"Holy shit. Are you gonna tell Bill?"

"of course not, he'd go absolutely insane" I finally looked out the window as we drove up my street.

"yeah" he paused as he parked his car in the driveway.

"Jem messaged me today." For a second I had to process his words and then an image came up in my mind.

"Jem as in Jeremiah Lockhart?"

"mhm"

"as in i-go-to-the-hamptons-every-summer Jem"

"yup"

"Jem, the richest kid in the pacific north west, messaged you?"

"he's not as bad as everyone says though and he seems pretty nice."

I scoffed in disbelief.

"he will chew up your heart, spit it out and walk all over it in platform heels."

His head tipped back in laughter.

"I'm serious, he will fuck you up"

"ok ok I'll be careful."

I got down from the car and closed the door of the passenger seat behind me.

"stay safe and I'll see you tomorrow." I said waving at him.

He nodded his head and drove off.

I watched his truck fade in the distance before I decided to go into my house.

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