Unfinished Excerpts

Screaming Silence

I am always misheard or consistently misunderstood. Every step that I make is predetermined, every decision I want to make is called out and for what. It's the times that I make the right choices, moments where I am where I need to be, thats when I am misheard the most. As if I am doing something that I should not be. As if I am in places dealing with people that will do nothing but hurt me. It's the new year and yet every single day that I have spent in this year has been hectic, dramatic, with no sign of any peace when the peace in my mind is what I crave the most. My escapes are far from me and the ones that I wish to have are years away.

I need all the noises to stop. All the yells, the misunderstood cries, the troubles and the pain, it has to go but how? I can not make it go away no matter how hard I try, and I am trying everyday. Even if that means my day needs to go in silence, the noise still has a way of manifesting itself into the depths of my mind. Every night, every single night I don't get peace.

The worst part is that it does not stop, it does not end. I wake up in the morning
and it's the same cycle every day until I lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes to sleep only to be woken up again into the same repeated nonsense. This isn't a life. This is not the way anyone should be spending their days. This is utter torture, constant and never ending. It feels as if I live in a closed room with no way out. Banging the door down never works, the windows are sealed shut and throwing myself at the walls to be let out just puts me into more distress. There is no way to win, there is no way out. Anyone would lose their mind in this situation, anyone would fall into disappear and lose their mind. So here I am, clearly losing my mind. I am trying to look forward into the future, and I see nothing. I see the world around me moving forward but I am stuck in a room with locked doors, the voices constantly screaming. I just want it to stop, and I know then, only then will the aspect of nothing in my future turn into something small. When will I ever get a sign, a hint, anything helpful to make the voices stop? Just for one minute. I want to see clearly again. I want to feel like myself again. I can't get out.