Vampire Diaries Blood Brothers

~Chapter Forty Five~

Sleep caked my eyelids as I trudged down the stairs, the familiar and somewhat relieving scent of fresh coffee meeting my half blocked nostrils. Last one was not one of the worst nights of my life but it was far from restful. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened and the conversation to come. There was a reason I had avoided Damon after he threatened to turn me and, even though I knew I would have to talk to him eventually, I hadn't expected it to be this soon. I'd expected him to be the one to come to me, or an apology at least.
   I sat by my window for over an hour, crying, talking to the sky, wishing Elena was here instead of me. It had been a while since I last thought about joining Elena and my parents, wherever they were, but since the talk of Alaric's ring and all the hard crap I was going through, well, it was hard not to think about. Along with crying to the night sky, I wrote my second diary entry for the day. I wrote about the kidnapping, about making up with Bonnie. I wrote about our rescue then my fight with Grams. I wrote about the conversation, the conversation which plagued my mind, the looming conversation responsible for my inability to sleep. 
   After an hour or so I gave up on the talking and writing and forced myself to lie in bed and fall asleep. That lasted for about five minutes and then I was up again, pacing my room, ready to pull my hair out. Nothing was working and I was so exhausted. Searching the internet for ideas to help me fall asleep, I stumbled across some exercises which apparently had been scientifically proven to improve the quality of a person's sleep. Grabbing my sports gear from the wash and sneakers from my closet, I threw everything I had into exercise until my entire body was soaked with sweat. My limbs wouldn't stop shaking as I crawled across the floor to my bed. I fell asleep instantly but woke up a few hours later, panicked and flustered. 
   Exercise had let me fall asleep but it didn't stop the dreams. I dreamt of Sunday night and how frightened I was when Damon trapped me in his grasp and fed me his blood. I dreamt of Stefan's sorrowful face when I told him how badly I didn't want to become a vampire like him. I dreamt of Damon breaking into my house while his blood was still in my system, coming to finish the job. I dreamt of Stefan leaving Mystic Falls because his girlfriend refused to live forever with him. I dreamt of going to the Salvatore's house to talk to Damon. I dreamt of waking up in a coffin, craving nothing more than human blood.

The sound of rustling pages directed my attention from the kitchen towards the dining table where Jenna sat with a coffee and magazine. Sliding my chin forward, I squinted her face into focus as the glaring sunlight shining behind her highlighted her stray, unruly hairs poking up from the side of her head. "Hey," she smiled sweetly, her manner unusually tranquil. "Sleep well?" She tilted her head.
   I frowned. Her tone and posture made it seem like she knew exactly the kind of night I had. Did I keep her awake? "Yeah," I coughed, trying to suppress a yawn. "Fine."
   "Really?" She raised her eyebrows, looking surprised. "So when you were calling out to Elena last night you were sleep talking?" Her forehead creased as her eyebrows knitted together, a disapproving look lining her brow. "Sit."
   "But Jenna, I-"
   "Now," she demanded.
   Rubbing my eyes, I dropped my arms to my side and shuffled across the floor, collapsing into the seat adjacent to Jenna's. Slouching in the chair, I pouted and folded my arms across my chest. Resting my head against the back of the chair, I closed my eyes. I had said a lot of things last night, including how much I wished Elena was alive instead of me. How upset was with me depended on how much she heard last night, and how much she believed.
   "I know losing your parents was harder and that being with them in the car was even harder," she started, her tone slightly shaky. "And I know you didn't just lose a sister that night, you lost your best friend too. It hasn't been easy and I know that things have felt, impossible at times, but Eva, what I heard last night was not OK."
   "Jenna-"
   "No," she interrupted, slamming the palm of her hand against the edge of the table. "You have so many people rooting for you Eva, so many. You have a town full of friends and family and people that love and support you. You mean to the world to your brother, and me, and Bonnie and Caroline adore you. Stefan is obviously in love with you... You've got Damon and Alaric and Matt and all of your other school friends."
   Tears pricked her eyes as she sat back in her chair, clearly exhausted and overwhelmed. What had I done? Everything I did just seemed to hurt other people. Agreeing to sneak out with Elena the night she died got her and my parents killed which ultimately broke my brother, asking Stefan to stay in Mystic Falls resulted in Bonnie and I being kidnapped and Damon's compulsion with Caroline... Ever since the loss of my parents and sister I had tried to be more selfless, determined to put the people I loved first so nothing bad would happen again on the account of me, but all I had done was hurt people. I'd hurt my friends, lied to my family, and now the lives of every person living in Mystic Falls hung in the balance with our plan to open the tomb. All those lives, all those lives and it was all my fault.
   "You have good reason to wish you were dead, Eva," Jenna sighed, her expression pained. "But you have so many more good reasons to wish you were living and, and I don't ever want to hear you wishing otherwise. Do you hear me?" Her voice cracked as her hands trembled. "I have lost too much, Eva. We all have and I will not... Will not lose you too. Do you understand me?"
   A single tear slid down my cheek and broke over her hand as I grabbed it, leaning forward to hug her across the table. "I understand," I whispered. "I'm sorry."
   "So am I," she sniffed, resting her head against my shoulder. "I love you Eva."
   "I love you too Aunt Jenna."