Confessions of A Dead Girl

T H I R T E E N

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Tyler,
I feel like I keep seeing you everywhere. You're always there when I turn. I hate it. You are just a constant reminder of what used to be. It sounds so sappy and dramatic, but I blame you for it. I was fine before all of this. I was normal. Now I'm either really sad or just really mad. There's no in between. I want to get you out of my head. I would love to forget every memory we shared. I know that this is all my doing. It's my heart. It refuses to forget about you. I think that in my mind I keep expecting for this to all sort out just like in the movies, and then we find our happily ever after. Or maybe I'm pinning every problem I have in my life to you. To our breakup. Maybe it's because that's what led to the downfall, or because I refuse to forget the hurt that I've been put through. I don't know. I'm trying to distract myself. It works sometimes, I think that it would actually impress you if you saw me like that. I feel like a completely different person. But at the end of the day, you're still in my mind and in my heart. Too bad I can't take it out.

—-

"What are you doing here?" Bruno asks as takes a seat next to me.

I was currently at Vista point. It's a road that goes up one of the mountains and there's a resting area to park and look at the view of the entire valley. It's gorgeous. Lilah and I would come here at the end of our date nights. To finish eating our food with the view, make out with a view, and other stuff.

The thought brings a sad smile to my lips.

"I could ask you the same thing."

He looks out to the valley too.

"I came to meet some friends. I noticed you slumped here all on your own. I just wanted to make sure you weren't about to do something stupid," he chuckles but not out of humor..

"Well, it's what dumbasses do. I gotta live up to the title every once in a while."

We stayed silent for a bit, and just looked at the cars that looked like ants from this high up.

"I knew we hurt her, but not this much. I feel like it's my fault," I shake my head.

I try to fight back the tears that were in the verge of falling.

"I know this might not sound any better, but I think that Lilah taking her life was a result of many other things she struggled with. You and you're stupid friends were only a small part of it," he looks down to his hands.

"Still. It was our fault. It all started with us, with me," I shake my head.

"Tyler, you can spend the rest of your life trying to blame yourself for this, but truth is we'll never know. She was tired of her demons. She couldn't stand it anymore. And it's okay. Because now she's free from all of that."

"Do you think she's watching over us?" I snort lightly.

I think back to when she would talk about what was out in the universe and if this was it or if it was a stepping stone to another life where we can watch over our loved ones here on earth.

"Yeah. At least for me. This whole situation destroys me. I have moments where I am at my lowest, especially when I see my parents, but I have moments where I feel okay. Not great, but I'm fine. Sometimes being fine, is enough. And I can't help but think back to what she would say about not being sure where she'll be when she dies but knowing that she'll fight her way to pull my feet," he chuckles.

I snort, remembering that she would often threaten to do the same thing to me.

"I just regret hurting her and leaving her. I know if I could have just kept it in my pants and made a plan for us two to leave our idiot friends, we would've still been together," I shake my head.