Confessions of A Dead Girl

S E V E N

This chapter means a lot to me and it was difficult to write. I hope you like it.

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I had managed to go to sleep without anyone coming in and telling me off for being rude. It was nice, up until I had those terrible dreams I had about Lilah. They weren't nightmares per se, but it hurt to see her.

When It was time to wake up the following day, I still felt as If I hadn't slept at all.

This whole Lilah situation was messing me up. I easily got triggered by anything and everything. No matter what, my thoughts would drift to her.

It was worse than when we had broken up. Actually, I take that back. The break up had messed me up for good. I don't want to go into detail about the whole thing because thinking about it honestly breaks my heart, mostly because I was an idiot and it truly was all my fault.

Basically, there was a huge misunderstanding between us. We got into an argument. I don't even remember what it was about, which is weird because it was rare for us to ever get into a serious disagreement, you would think that I'd be able to remember them all. We spent what seemed like weeks, but was only three days, apart. We didn't talk, nor did we try to communicate in any other way.

I remember thinking it was over between us. I wanted to fight for her so badly, but I loved her too much to force her into anything. That was my logic at the time. I was so upset because I missed her. I wanted her back in my arms. We had been together for four years, already in our second year of college. We stayed here in our hometown and attended community college because it was much more affordable. We had planned to leave sometime after our second or third year and decided not to hold each other back. Wherever we ended up, we would make it work.

It was nice to be with someone who didn't fear long distance. We were comfortable enough to recognize that school came first and we would eventually make time for each other. She had faith that it would work and that in return gave me hope.

Anyway, the whole moving for college thing wasn't the issue. I got drunk on one of the following nights with the guys because I was upset. They managed to convince me that I should drink my sorrows away for that night.

Nothing different, it was something that we had done in the past. We stayed at Gus' and Jake's place. It was the usual spot we had to get drunk or high.

That night though, they had invited some other people. People that we knew from high school and college. It was all a blur to me, but I was still very much aware of what I was doing and who I was with.

Long story short, I ended up having sex with this chick whose name I already forgot. Apparently, though, she knew who I was and that I was dating Lilah. They had a mutual dislike for each other that I wasn't really aware of until after that night when all I could hear about is the fact that everybody remembers hearing Lilah's complaints about this girl.

I guess I never paid attention to that, although it makes sense because she liked to talk about this kind of stuff with me because she knew I didn't care enough to tell anyone else.

I was extremely drunk, but as I said before, I was aware of my actions. It wasn't until the next morning that I was washed with the feeling of guilt. I knew I was screwed before I could even process what I had done.

Ironically enough. that same day we made up and got back together. She admitted fault about whatever it was that we argued about, and I gladly accepted it. The whole time, I felt tongue-tied. I just couldn't bring myself to tell what had happened. It was like that for a few weeks. She didn't suspect a thing, and I was happy. At least on the outside. On the inside, I was slowly crumbling.