Reverie, collection of shivika moments

When the light darkens you (part 3)

A tear escaped from shivaay's eyes inspite of all his attempts to gulp it down.  Annika noticed that tear and something pricked in her heart. Shivaay immediately left the room before all his emotions get exposed in front of Annika. Annika was left behind, lost in her thoughts, lost in her heart break seeing him cry.

She stumbled back while a chair hit her and she took the support of it to hold herself back. What did she just do? What did she just say to him! Her mind wandered back to the time when shivaay entered her room in the hospital. His eyes showed fear, the fear of losing her. His eyes showed longing. His eyes showed a want to be with her. His eyes requested her to immediately take him into her arms and let him feel that she is alright.
His eyes were empty after the conflict his heart faced. How did she let that emptiness go unnoticed? Yes, she had dreamt a life with her baby . She wanted a new flower of happiness but could she let go of the plant on which the flower  bloomed? Could she have dreamt of a life with her flower without her sun? If somehow she would have lost shivaay in the process of getting their little one, she would have lost herself too. If she had to ever select between the child and shivaay what would she do? Cause if she even selected the child, would she want her child to be deprived of father's love like she has always been?
Not only that, she would have lost herself the day she have lost shivaay. Would the child get even a bit of the nurturing which shivaay and her always dreamt of giving?
" If I would lose myself while losing shivaay, won't shivaay go through the same? Even if my baby came into the world, it's life would be incomplete without a mother's love" Annika exclaimed as she try to put herself into shivaay's shoes.
Annika couldn't get shivaay face out of her mind, his face when she spoke those heart breaking words which tore him apart.
" I need to be with him" Annika exclaimed as tears rolled down from her eyes.

Shivaay rushed to the guest room and stood in front of the mirror.

Shivaay gave his hand to Annika wanting to give her support while they stepped out of the hospital.
" Om can you please help me walk, seeing someone's face only gets me reminded of my broken dreams" Annika exclaimed while shivaay just looked on the other side and quickly wiped his tear.

" Annika not only you, even I get frustrated seeing myself now. I am a failure, I couldn't protect you and our child." Shivaay said in a broken voice and fell on his knees.
" I killed my child. I killed my wife's happiness" shivaay said while he started to cry. He took out a pair of little anklets he had brought for his daughter.
" I knew it would be my princess. I had always told Annika that we would have my mini khidkitod but she didn't believe me so I got this for you without her knowledge. I would have made you wear them myself. When you have started to walk, the sound of your payal would fill the air around with happiness. It would always let me know where you are. Your one smile would have filled my day with brightness. Only if, only if I would have allowed you to Grace our world. Only if I hadent filled your mother's world with darkness while calling myself her sun throughout."
Saying this shivaay moved those payal, "chhan chhan" their beautiful sound adorned his ears while the dam of water started flowing from his eyes.
" Even if you didn't Grace my world, i would have the your footprints on my heart always. " Shivaay sniffed and brought the payal closer to his heart.

Annika, who was standing outside the room, heard all this. She wanted to rush and take him into a hug but she felt suffocated. She felt suffocated from her own words. She felt breathless cause of her own thoughts. She accused him of not feeling any pain while he was equally hurt or even more. She remembered how shivaay had planned everything for his little daughter. She remembered how shivaay had decided to color their whole room pink once his boon arrives . She got reminded how shivaay had clearly instructed Mishra that he won't have late night meetings after her delivery cause he had to put his daughter to sleep. How confident he was that he would have his princess, and his fatherly instincts were right.
" How could I forget if I am the mother, he is the father too. How could I forget the extent to which he loves babies and how hurt he was when pari left. How did I forget that he had tears Everytime we saw the little one while while getting sonography tests done. How did I forget that he always wanted to have a baby much more than I did. "
Annika couldn't get herself to face shivaay and she ran away from the guest room.

Shivaay started crying bitterly while still holding the payal close to his heart. " I killed her" he wailed while his tears didn't stop. Suddenly he felt a sharp  pain in his chest. His body stiffened while his breaths shortened. He started to have hiccups due to lack of air and excessive crying.
" Huhhhh....huhhhhh" he tried to catch breath and put his hand over his heart.

Annika was about to enter their room when she heard some sound and felt her breath stop.
"Shivaay " she whispered and immediately rushed towards the guest room.

Her breath hitched seeing the visual in front of her eyes.. shivaay was lying on the floor,unconscious ,while his lips were still shivering bitterly. His hands and legs had tightened up.  She ran and sat down to his level. She took her dupatta and stuffed it into his mouth to prevent him from biting his tongue otherwise his condition would  further worsen  . She saw dried tear marks on his face while fresh ones formed in her eyes. She knew the medicines won't work, she had to use the injection. By now she had learnt from their family Doctor, how to handle shivaay when he gets an attack. She brought the injection and injected it on his arm . She couldn't  afford to lose a single second. She  rubbed  his legs and hands with her hands to reduce the stiffening. After a while, she felt his body relax and his breathing become normal.
She took his BP and pulse readings with the help of the machine and confirmed it with the doctor on the phone.
She relaxed when she finally heard from the doctor that his readings are normal.

She  fell on shivaay's chest and cried her heart out
" I am sorry shivaay.. I am really sorry I couldn't understand your pain. I always tell that I can read your eyes but I failed today. Like everyone else, even I failed to see the pain you kept hidden in yourself. I was so lost in myself that I didn't even look at you properly." She then placed a kiss on his heart.
She sat, pulled the dupatta out of his mouth and gently placed his head on her lap. She kissed on his forehead and kept caressing his head continuously. She didn't realise when she fell asleep in sitting position .

Sunrays fell on shivaay's face due to which his eyes fluttered. He slowly opened his eyes and saw Annika's face. A smiled adorned his lips spontaneously.
" Good morning" Annika wished, smiling.  " Good morning" shivaay replied while still not realising their position. He looked around and realised that he was sleeping on Annikas lap. He immediately got up and tried to remember what happened last night.

" Annika are you fine? Why were you here and how come I was sleeping on your lap. It means you slept in this position whole night? You aren't still fine Ann..."
His words were left incomplete and Annika thrashed her lips on his. Tears fell from her eyes and she deepened the kiss while pulling him closer through his hairs.
At first shivaay was shocked but slowly he started responding to the kiss and put his hand on her waist.
Annika pulled out of the kiss as they felt short of breath and joined their foreheads.

She took both his hands in her hands and kissed them.
" I am sorry" she muttered .
Shivaay wiped her tears away " why are you saying sorry Annika? It's my fault due to which we lost our child. I couldn't protect you and our daughter. " He said in broken voice.
" No shivaay it's not your fault. I accused you so wrongly even though I knew that you love our baby so much. The man who gave parental love to his brother and me, I doubted his feelings as a father. " Annika said as she snuggled closer to his chest.

" I..I lost my daughter" Annika heard and felt a tear drop on her hand. She went on her knees and enclosed shivaay into a hug. Both cried their hearts out in each other's arms while randomly placing kisses to console the other one. They both were broken but together they had strength to deal with any situation.

Annika pulled apart and wiped shivaay's tears, shivaay did the same in response.
" We will find happiness again shivaay. We will build a new life together. You will have your mini kihdkitod soon" Annika said as she kissed his forehead.
" I know Annika. Then I will have two wierd girls in my life whom I have to handle. Bigger one being tougher to handle always" shivaay teased to which he got a reply as she started beating him with a pillow. Shivaay took Annika in a hug and kissed her forehead while Annika kissed his chest both silently assuring each other that even though it may take time, even though they may faulter at moments ,  things will be better soon and they will support each other throughout.

So guys..this is the last part of this TS. I know it might have seemed wierd seeing Annika handle shivaay in the state of emergency. But I have seen family members of patients of heart problem and diabetes learn how to handle such situations and thus I thought Annika can do the same.
Waiting for your feedback. Please criticise where needed too.