Second Chance

Second Chance Part 5

I wrote in my journal for probably two hours after my mom left my room. I have to admit it felt really good to put everything out there. My feelings about Max, my conversation with my mom, my friends, everything. I turn off my bedside lamp and curl up under the covers. As I close my eyes my mind starts to drift to Max. I can't help but to smile every time I think about him. I love that he is a new guy, I love that he is completely in the dark about everything that happened with me last year. I know that probably sounds manipulative and to an extent it is, but it's nice getting to know someone without them already having preconceived notions about me. Even though I know us hanging out tomorrow isn't the best plan, I'm so excited. I want to learn everything about him from his favorite color to his goals in life. Realistically I know we can't be an item, but I think I can forge these feelings into a very powerful friendship, maybe I'll even set him up with someone. It would make me happy to see him happy.

     Even though I felt peace from my conversation with my mom I couldn't help but to still feel a little off. Things with my friends were completely normal which helped me to relax a lot, not having to worry about telling them the truth.Things with Max were good too, we walked to class together and we had normal, relaxed conversations, just as any two friends would. Cheerleading has been a much needed distraction for me through all of this. The two hours of cheerleading practice are two hours that my mind just stops. I'm not thinking about my mental health, my friends, my mom, or Max I'm just thinking about hitting our stunts, nailing our pep rally routine. It feels really nice to be excited about something again. I walk out onto the breezeway from the locker room. As I'm walking past the football team Max meets my eye and winks at me. Even though I'm smiling I roll my eyes at him. He's so cheezy. I've never been someone into PDA, but Max is the complete opposite. I can tell he would be the type of boyfriend to show you off at any possible minute, which is definitely sweet, but I don't like that kind of attention on me at all. Yet another reason why Max and I would never work out. I'm excited to hang out with him this evening. All day he has been super hush hush about our plans, I'm honeslty starting to think he doesn't have any plans and is hoping something hits him last minute. "Ken, come here really quick!" Lexi shouts. I jog over to her. "What's up?" I ask joining her and the rest of the team on the grass. "So for the pep rally Friday we are going to change things up and wear shorts and football jerseys, the football coach is going to let us wear their practice jerseys. Any preference of who's number you wear? I know you and Max are like a thing." She says with a notebook in her hand. My cheeks get hot. I didn't realize it was a well known fact that Max and I were getting close, I mean I guess I should have, but I just hadn't really thought about it. My heart-beat starts to quicken. It feels like my surroundings are swirling around me. "Ken?" Lexi asks grabbing my arm. "Are you okay?" She asks. "Uh yeah, I'll be right back I think I'm going to be sick." I say, I run into the locker room. I barely make it to the toilet before I start vomiting uncontrollably. Coach runs over to me and holds my hair. I start bawling my eyes out. I don't know why this has upset me so much, but I feel like the world is closing in on me. I just want to be in a dark room by myself for a couple of minutes. I just need to escape the outside world but I can't. I have to pull it together and act like everything is okay. There is way too much at stake to not be okay. "Ken you alright?" Coach asks rubbing my back as I still hang over the toilet. "Yeah, I uh just had a really heavy lunch and I don't think it agreed with me. I'm totally fine, just let me clean up and I'll be out in just a minute." I say. I walk over to the sinks. "Okay, just let me know if you need to set out today." "Oh no worries, I'll be fine." I say smiling. "Okay", she says giving me one more loving pat before walking out. As soon as I hear the locker room door close I start silently crying again. I've got to do better with managing my anxiety. That was way too close for comfort. I can't be acting like a freak in front of other people. I splash my face with cold water and pull my hair back. I've got to keep it together. When I walk back out they have already started running through the pep rally routine. Luckily the football players have already gone up to the practice field. I don't think I could have dealt with the stares of the football team after my outbreak, especially from Max. "You okay?" Lexi asks as I walk over and join my stunt group. "Yeah I just had a heavy lunch, I took off running because the last thing I wanted to do was throw up in front of the entire football team, talk about social suicide." I say laughing. She smiles. "I would agree, I don't think anyone would be asking you to homecoming if they had seen your stomach contents." She says playfully pushing me.