Second Chance

Second Chance Part 11

Max stayed at my house until almost one in the morning. It felt so natural hanging out with him. It was completely different from our date at the lake. I didn't freak out, I didn't overthink everything, I just lived in the moment. We sat on the couch and watched the football highlights until twelve. Max was super impressed. The commentators on the news kept going on and on about Max's performance. I could tell he was flattered, but also embarrassed. Every play they showed of him he picked apart. I hate he isn't more confident in his ability. After the news went off we sat on the couch snuggling and watching The Office. It was probably one of the best nights I've had in a really long time. I never could just set and hang out with Brady. He never wanted to hang out at home. He thought if we weren't out doing something, or with other people our popularity would dwindle. He was always so concerned with his image. I've never cared about being popular, if anything I wish I could fly more under the radar. The only times I ever convinced him to stay in and watch TV was when one of us was sick. I thought about asking Max to stay over, but I figured it was a little too much too fast. Besides I'm sure his dad wouldn't have been okay with him spending the night at a girls house, especially with my mom being out of town. I crawl into my bed and grab my phone. I decide to text Peter and tell him his advice was on point as always. "Thanks for the pep talk tonight, things with Max were great! Hope things went well for you too." I send. I'm about to lock my phone and set it on my bedside table when Max replies. "I had the most amazing time with you tonight, I never knew hanging out with a girl could be so effortless. I hope we get to do it more often. Sleep good and have sweet dreams my sunshine. I'll talk to you tomorrow." He sends. I keep reading it over and over. He is so perfect in so many ways. "I had a great time with you too, I agree we definitely need to do it more often. Rest up from the game sweetie, goodnight." I send back. I haven't used any pet names with him thus far, so I decide to use one to show him how much I care. I know I was hesitant at first to go all in with Max, but things couldn't be going any better even in my wildest dreams.

My mom got in this morning and she seemed to be in a better mood than she has been all week. I think now that our lives are starting to go back to normal she is starting to relax. I decided to tell her about Max coming over. I've never been a good liar and I don't want to give her any more reasons not to trust me. When I told her she was definitely less than pleased, but she didn't ask any questions. I told her I would talk to my therapist about it, which seemed to satisfy her. I've never talked to this counselor before. One of my counselors from rehab referred me. She sent all of my files over to her, so I hope she has read through them so we don't have to start over at square one. One of the worst things about rehab was every time I talked with a different counselor I had to start at the beginning and tell them everything I had been struggling with and for how long. It was exhausting. I could tell my mom really wanted to go with me to my first appointment. I just pretended like I didn't pick up on her hints. I wasn't nervous for this appointment until I checked in at the front desk. It's a couple of towns over so I don't have to worry about any of my friends seeing me or anyone recognizing me. My counselor at the rehab really didn't agree with me keeping rehab a secret, but I stuck to my guns and she knew I was going to. I check my phone to try and calm my nerves. I have a text from my friends group chat. "Send yalls outfits for tonight so I can decide what to wear." Noel sends. "Not home right now, but I will when I get there." I hope they don't ask where I am. The less I have to lie to them the better. "Kennedy Ross." A young woman probably in her thirties, with long brown hair calls from the door. I look around the waiting room to see if anyone watches me. Luckily everyone kept their eyes glued to their phones. "Hi it's nice to meet you, my name is Lisa." She says guiding me into her office. "Have a seat." She says gesturing to a blue velvet couch. I set down and she sets across from me in a red upholstered chair. Her color story is all messed up. "So, I talked to my friend Jessica, she counseled you in rehab?" She asks. "Right." I say a little confused. "She told me you hate having to go over your story so she summed it up to me the best she could over the phone. Would you like me to tell you what I know, or do you want to just start from the beginning?" I smile. Thank you Jessica for listening to me. "No you can just tell me what you know." Lisa cocks her head confused. I think she expected me to tell her my story. "Okay, well if I understand correctly you've always been an anxious person and it started to get a lot worse when you got to high school. There was a lot of pressure whether it be school work, relationships, extracurricular activities or so on. The anxiety and pressure of being perfect caused you to delve into a depressive state. Then last spring when things went down with your boyfriend your depressive state got out of hand and you started having suicidal thoughts. It was afterwards when you reached out to your mom for help and you went to the rehabilitation center for the summer." She finished waiting for me to respond. I've given the same spill so many times it sounds almost foreign hearing it come from someone else. "That about sums it up." I say crossing my arms. I had intentions of opening up today, but all of a sudden I don't feel comfortable. Everything about this just feels off. "I'm picking up on some uncomfortable behavior." She says. I look down. Weird. "Yeah, its just a little different." I say after some thought. "Totally normal, you and Jessica got into a groove over the summer and it's going to take some time for you to have the same trust in me that you did with her." I guess she's right. Even though we talked to different therapists you had one main one who was in charge of your rehab. Jessica was in charge of mine. She and I clicked from the very beginning. She is a spunky red head who never took things too serious. I always appreciated her sunny outlook on life. She would come into our therapy sessions barefoot with bell-bottom jeans and a tank top. I liked how relaxed it felt. Lisa is completely different. She is in a pantsuit in a stuffy office that feels more like a principals office than anything else. "I suppose that is true." I finally say. I really want to talk about Max, but I also don't want to randomly bring him up. "Before we dive in, is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?" She asks getting her notepad out. Well I guess I have the perfect segway to bring Max up. "Um actually I do, what is your thoughts on dating?" I ask. I can tell this catches her by surprise. "Dating in general or dating after getting your mental illness under control?" She says trying to make light of the conversation. I tilt my head annoyed. "Right well, I guess it depends on the situation and the relationship. Is there someone in mind or is this merely hypothetical?" She asks. I know I have to be honest with her, it's the only way for counseling to be effective. "Someone in mind." She leans forward and gestures for me to continue. "Well, there is this new guy at school Max, from the moment we met we just completely hit it off, he made it really clear he was interested in me as more than friends. I made it clear to him I wasn't looking for a relationship because I knew different people at the rehab had said you shouldn't jump into a new relationship while you're still getting the hang of things. I thought I could just be friends with him, but after hanging out with him it was obvious we had a connection. I talked to one of my friends from rehab and decided to go for it. We aren't officially dating or anything but we are romantically talking, and I really want to be with him." Her expression stays unchanged while I talk. "Why do you think a new relationship would be a bad thing?" I hate when counselors ask a million questions. "I guess it could be bad if you became too dependent on your significant other for your happiness and you broke up. If you were in a fragile place and you lost your right hand man it would be easy to slide back into a depression." She nods her head. I can tell she is impressed with my answer. "Do you think that's something that could happen to you?" I lean back in the couch thinking over her question. "I really don't I have a group of girl friends who I really rely on for a lot, don't get me wrong I obviously was close to my ex, but I don't attribute our breakup to my breakdown. I think it was just the straw that broke the camels back. I was already depressed before everything happened. I think as long as I'm honest with myself and continue with my treatment it would be fine." She stays silent for at least two minutes. I start wiggling in my chair. "Let's say you and Max start seriously dating, you maintain your friendships with your girl friends and you keep up with your treatment. Out of no where he breaks up with you, completely shattering your heart. What would you do?" "I mean hypothetically if that happened I would lean into my mom and friends for support, and if I started feeling myself going down a path I didn't want I would come talk to you more frequently for coping mechanisms." She starts writing in her notepad. "Okay, so what do you think?" She asks not offering any real advice. "I think it would be fine if Max is my boyfriend as long as I don't lose myself." She smiles. "Alright then, it's settled." I look at her stunned. "You're saying I should date him?" I ask confused. "If you think you are ready." I feel my shoulders relax. "I think I am." I say smiling. "Anything else specific you want to talk about?" She asks glancing at her watch. I'm sure I still have about forty minutes left of my session. "Not that I can think of." I say trying to deflect. I hate trying to come up with things to talk about. "How has school been since you've been back?" Easy. "Good, things have honestly gone back to normal, it's like I never left." She nods her head while I talk. "How have your friends been throughout this?" I feel my stomach churn. "Well, I decided not to tell any of them." I say picking at the skin around my thumb nail.  Her eyebrows raise. "Why?" I don't know how to answer her. "A lot of different reasons." She leans forward in her chair. "Care to elaborate?" I exhale annoyed. She pretends not to notice. "I just don't want them treating me differently. I don't want to be the crazy girl, or the depressed moody girl, I just want to continue to be Kennedy." I answer honestly. It sounds really superficial saying it out loud. "You don't want your image to change in their minds?" She asks. "I guess, I don't want their pity." "What makes you think they would pity you?" Her questions are really starting to get on my nerves. "I think pity is a normal reaction for people dealing with mental illness. If one of my friends told me they went to rehab for their anxiety and depression I would feel sorry for them." She tilts her head. "Okay, even if pity is their initial response, you don't think they would be a really understanding and supportive outlet for you to have?" I have thought this over before. I know they initially would be really worried about me, but what about afterwards, would they avoid me? be there for me? shelter me? I don't want to find out. "I don't know, we've never really talked about mental illness before. I don't think they would ever intentionally do something to hurt me, but they could indirectly,and selfishly I'm not ready for things to change." There is another long pause. "Don't you think it could be beneficial for you to have them as your support system? I know you have myself as well as your parents, but I think it would be good for someone your age to be there for you. They are able to understand things you're going through at this time in your life, because more than likely they are experiencing the same things." I've thought about this before myself. Some of my favorite sessions in rehab were group sessions because I feel like we really understood each other. While I know all of the counselors there were teenagers at one point in their life things are constantly changing. There is no way they could ever truly understand what I was going through. "I do think it would be beneficial, I have stayed in touch with my friend from rehab Peter, and some of the other people there have agreed to check in with each other." I can tell this pleases Lisa. "That's great, I'm really glad you have those people to lean on. However, those people aren't in your day to day life like your friends are." I really want to argue with her, but I know she's right. I'm just not ready to risk everything. "I know you're right." I say. I hate to admit when I'm in the wrong, its a flaw of mine for sure. Lisa looks surprised. "So if you know then what is the hold up?" God this lady doesn't give up. "I don't want things to change, I'm just not ready okay." I say raising my voice. I look around the room embarrassed. Lisa seems completely unphased. "I'm sorry." I whisper. "You're fine, this is the place to let feelings like this out. I just hope you'll consider talking to them in the future." She says smiling.