Second Chance

Second Chance Part 16

 "How are you today Kennedy?" My counselor Lisa asks as I walk into her office. "I'm pretty good, you?" I ask. "Not too bad, you're my last appointment of the day so after this I think my wife and I are going to go get dinner." She smooths her pencil skirt down as she sets. "That sounds really nice." She gets out her notebook and adjusts her glasses. "So tell me about this week." I don't really know what I have to talk to her about this week, other than yesterday it was pretty uneventful. I know she's going to tell me the same things she did last week and honestly I'm not in the mood. "What about?" I counter annoyed. She shoots me a sideways glance. "About your week, anything eventful happen?" All I can think about is Alex and Max. "I mean most of the week was pretty boring, yesterday was kind of heavy though." I say looking around her office. I've never understood why counselors keep so many books in their office. It has to be for decoration because I don't believe for a second that between patients they are cracking open an old psychology book. "Okay that's a start, what happened yesterday?" I hate talking about things that are personal, especially when they are about other people. It almost makes me feel like I'm betraying their trust. I know it's silly to think this way because obviously my counselor isn't going to say anything, but it's just weird because you pretty much never have a secret, everything is out in the open. "First off we had an away football game and when I got there this girl from rehab named Alex was there. Just seeing her felt so weird. It was like my worlds were finally colliding and I did everything in my power to keep them apart. Luckily I was able to cover to my friends who she was, but I think it hurt her feelings. When we talked one on one about it she was really annoyed, she doesn't feel like I'll ever get better if I don't let the people I'm close with in on what's happening. I don't like lying to the people I'm close to, of course I don't,but I feel like it's my best option for the time being." Lisa starts writing in her notepad while I talk. I'm glad she does this because eye contact has never been one of my strong suits. "Okay, so do you think seeing Alex was a trigger?" She asks. I take a minute to think about it. "I don't know, maybe. I don't know if I would say I'm ashamed of going to rehab, but I also don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can be proud of going. I know it was the right decision and so many people at rehab told me how brave I was for getting help, but I've never felt brave. I know it was my decision to keep rehab a secret so I only have myself to blame, but I almost found myself blaming Alex for being there and not understanding where I was coming from. I don't want to feel this way. I just do." Lisa nods her head silently. I can tell she's in deep thought. "Do you think you're jealous of her for being so open about her mental health?" She asks. My heart rate picks up. "Yes, I do. I found myself having the same feeling when I talked to my friend Peter from rehab. He had told this new guy he was interested  in about his past and rehab." Lisa widens her eyes surprised. "What?" I ask. "I'm just surprised you so easily admitted to being jealous." Honestly I'm pretty surprised too. "Yeah, I would've never thought about it like that, but after you said it, it just felt right. I'm jealous they haven't let their mental health define them. They haven't let it stop them from living their life. I'm jealous of it." I wish more than anything I could be someone who doesn't care what people think. I wish I could've just sent everyone a text when I was going to rehab. I wish I could set and talk to my friends about everything that goes on in my head, I wish so bad I could tell Max and he would understand. I'm just a coward. I'm not willing to risk my friends, my relationships, my status even. "Why do you let your mental health define you? Why do you give your anxiety and depression so much power over you?" Lisa asks twirling her pen in her hand. "I don't know. I think I've just worked so hard on my image, I don't want anything to risk it. Like I told you last week, I don't want people to treat me like I'm broken. I want to be treated just like anyone else." "I understand where you are coming from, but with that being said, I think you would see a lot of improvements in your life if you would let your friends in on what bothers you.Maybe they could help take the load off or help to distract you when you're thoughts are on a breakaway train." I nod my head. I can't argue with her, I know she's right. I'm just not going to do it. "Also yesterday I went and hung out at Max's house after the game and he really opened up about his past. It sounds like he dealt with a lot of grief and maybe even some depression last year. His best friend got killed in a car accident. He told me it really affected the way he was and how he treated his ex girlfriend. He admitted to me he wasn't a very good boyfriend because he would take his grief and pain and use it against her. The whole time he was talking I couldn't stop thinking about this summer. I know I'm not directly lying to him because he doesn't know anything, but he trusted me enough to share what he went through and I still couldn't come clean to him. I don't know what stopped me, it was the perfect moment. I just don't want him to think I'm baggage or broken. He obviously has his own things he deals with, how can I possibly burden his load with my issues. Also he lost his best friend, it's completely rational to be upset. Nothing really happened to me, how could I think my problems are bigger than his." Lisa sets her notebook in her lap. "Ken, you can't compare pain. Everyone goes through different things in life. You cannot compare his pain from losing his best friend to what you deal with every day. They are two completely different unrelated things. He's obviously in a place where he feels comfortable talking about it. I think that shows a lot about him as a person and how mature he is. It sounds like he wanted you to know he's not perfect and he does have his flaws, but is going to do everything in his power to be the best to you. I think if you feel comfortable with him you should let him in. I think it would do wonders for you if you had someone to talk about this stuff with. Someone in your day to day life. If you need help with telling him you know we can practice here in a safe space." She says maintaining eye contact. "I don't know, I'm going to tell him, sometime." She smiles empathetically. I know I have to. I know she's right.