rachel

part 13

18 years old

We've reached graduation, the end of an era, the end of our amazing journey. The gang is together and all of our parents have cameras in our faces. We laugh and hang onto each other for as long as possible. We're all realizing that life as we know it will soon be so different. We're all going our separate ways. 

I'm going to our state University. Dylan is going to North Carolina. Mary Kate is going to Boston. Alex is going back to Tennessee. The hardest hit of all, Matt. He's going across the country to the opposite coast. He's going to Washington State. 

Our love and our friendship faded after what happened in the cabin with Jace. I clung to him fiercely, I cried and I pleaded. I refused to let him go, but he pushed me away. He didn't mean to but he did. I know it's because he couldn't forgive himself for what happened to me. He blamed himself and he couldn't get to the point of actually forgiving himself. With lots of therapy I healed. As much as I could I guess. He refused therapy, and he refused to talk about it. He didn't heal. He shut himself off from the world, and me, and he shut down. 

I mourned the loss of our new love. But I mourned the loss of my friend above all else. 

He claimed that he needed to get as far away from his brother as possible. And I couldn't blame him but at the same time couldn't understand how he could also get as far away from me as possible. My heart was broken. Half of my heart was going to be on the other side of the country. My depression took over my life. My mask was firmly in place but it would slip a little every time I thought about Matt leaving. 

~10 weeks later~

Matt pulls into my driveway and I run through the rain to his truck. I climb in and he immediately backs out. The rain is heavy and so is our silence. The wipers are put to work and the noise echoes throughout the cab. 

Tears are already falling and I wipe them away angrily. I'm angry at myself for being weak again and letting this boy control my life and my heart. I'm angry that this boy made me promises and is now running away from them. I'm angry that I've let myself fall for him even when he doesn't feel the same about me. I'm angry that I didn't fight harder for him. I'm angry that I'm an emotional mess and that I have no control over it.

"Please stop crying, Rach. You're killing me."

"No. You don't get to ask me that. These tears are not for you. They're for me."

"Rach. I've told you I have to go. I've told you I'm sorry a million times." 

"Your stupid apologies mean nothing to me. You're running away Matt. You're leaving me behind for reasons that are so selfish and so stupid." I wipe at my tears with my hands and my nose starts to run.

"If you ever loved me. If you ever loved me as a friend, Matty. You wouldn't just bail. You wouldn't forget about us and you wouldn't just up and go and leave me behind."

He pulls over onto the side of the road and puts on his four way signal. It's raining so hard we can't see where the road is or anything else out the windshield. He grips the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. 

"I hate you Matt. I hate you for showing me light and then taking it away from me, and putting it out. Literally shoving me into the fucking darkness. I hate you for showing me love and then denying me it. I fucking hate you with every fiber of my being."

He looks out his window. I can't see his face. But I know he's struggling to control his emotions and to keep everything in his head and to not say it out loud. 

"I can't love you, Rach. I can't because you deserve the better than me." He yells this at me. It makes me jump. I can see his blues are filled with pain. I'm in shock. I'm silent. I look straight ahead at the nothingness through the windshield. 

"Bring me home Matt." It's barely a whisper and all that I can muster.

"I can't leave like this. I can't leave with you mad at me." I shake my head no.

"Well Matt, that's not going to happen. I'm going to be mad and hate you for all four of the years that you're gone. I'm going to be mad at you and hate you for years after that. I'm going to be mad and hate you until I'm a little old lady."

"You don't mean that." There is a heavy pause. "I have to be around for when you are a cute little old lady." I smile but then quickly wipe it away.

"Don't think that being cute is going to make me any less mad, and sad, and completely ruined."

"You're too good for me, Rach." It's a whisper and I can barely hear him. He shoves his hand through his hair.  "You don't deserve to be with someone that will continue to bring pain into your life. I'm a piece of shit, Rach and I don't deserve your love."

It kills me that he thinks this. That he thinks this low of himself. What he doesn't realize is that I'm down in that deep, dark hole with him. He's blind to the fact that I'm standing right next to him, in the darkness. I'm looking up and looking for a way out. I'm convinced that together we can climb out and that we can work together to get to the top and help pull each other out. Matt isn't looking up. He's digging down into the hole deeper. I guess the difference is that I want out of the hole and he wants to stay in. 

"Matt you saved me so many times. I just want to be given the chance to save you."

"You can't save me, Rach." A huge silence fills the space around us. 

"Are you coming home in four years?" It breaks my heart to think that he'll be gone for four years. The thought of him never coming home rips to me shreds.

"I don't know. I don't want to make promises."

"What if Jace is in prison and never getting out?" He flinches at his name. 

"I don't know Rach." He runs a hand through his hair. Just looking at the hair sticking up makes my heart ache and my stomach churn. I want so bad to touch his hair. Touch his face. To prevent myself from reaching out I turn towards the window and I study everything and nothing out my window. 

"What if I'm alone for the rest of my life Matty? What if no one loves me like you love me?" The tears are strong now. They drop into my lap. 

"That's the thing Rach. You still just don't get it. You are the easiest person to love. You are the most genuine, the most kind and caring friend. You're so fucking beautiful Rach. Inside and out."

Pretty sure I'm ugly crying. I fucking hate him so much. Every fiber of my being is in so much pain right now. I bury my face in my hands as shame washes over me.

"Wanna go into town?" 

"What? No." Is he is fucking serious right now? "No, I don't want to go into fucking town. What the fuck Matty?" 

He pushes my shoulder and I sway in my seat. I hate that he doesn't take my hand or touch my leg or anything.

"Rach? Wanna go into town?" He's trying to move past this, I get it. He's trying to get us to a place where we can go our separate ways in peace.

"Ugggghhhh I fucking hate you Matthew..." I refuse to look at him. I'm a fucking mess. I'm sure my eyes look like a raccoon's. I have snot on my shirt sleeves from where I wiped my nose. I'm bite my lip. My heart is pattering at an unusual beat and it physically hurts. I'm at pain level ten.

"What's in town?" I mumble this under my breath. Caving. I'm weak. I'm a weak person but when it comes to Matt I'm weaker than weak. I'm powerless. I wipe at my face with the palms of my hands. 

He already has the truck moving down the road towards town. 

"Spicy Cheetos."