rachel

part 18

28 years old

I stare down at my left hand. There's a rock sitting on my ring finger. Chris put it there last night. I'm so happy. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm happy and that this is right. This is the right path for me. I love Chris, I truly do. We have so much fun and he makes me feel safe. He's so right. He's everything that I want and everything that I need. 

My brain is working overtime and it's exhausting. 

If Chris is so right and I'm so happy then why do I feel like my left hand is an impostor? Why do I feel like my hand is detached from my body? Why do I feel like I'm faking the smile that is plastered to my face? Why do I feel like I'm faking how happy I am? What if I'm faking for the first time in years?

I'm spiraling. Shit.

Normal women start flaunting their ring to all of their family and friends. Normal women start thinking about the date. They start planning. They research wedding dresses. They ask their best friends to be bridesmaids. 

I'm not doing any of these things. I'm freaking out on the inside and I'm scared shitless that the freak out is going to become very evident on the outside as well.

Maybe if I go through the steps I'll begin to convince my brain and (let's be honest) my heart that this is absolutely the right path for me. It's the only path. 

~Six months later~

I'm sitting on Mary Kate's couch. She's next to me rubbing my back. The amount of tissues scattered around her coffee table, couch, and floor is embarrassing. The tears and the snot just won't stop. 

"I just.. Why won't life just let me be? Am I too broken? It's me.. I'm just.. broken.. and then.. broken again. Why Mary Kate? I was happy. But it's just not allowed. Is it? I'm not.. my nose won't stop running."

I'm a fucking hot mess.  My glass of wine is in my hand sloshing around. I take a big gulp. 

"Rachel, look at me. This is not on you. This is 100% on Chris. He's a fucking douchebag. We don't let douchebags make us sad." She picks up my half melted ice cream and hands it to me. I shove a big spoonful into my mouth. 

"We don't let douchebags make us sad." I repeat this after her with ice cream in my mouth. I take two gulps of my wine. "I'm impossible to love. That's why no one does... It's impossible. It's fucking too hard." 

"You are the easiest person to love."

"That's what he said."

"Fuck Chris. Fuck him sideways. I'm so done talking about him."

"No not Chris. Matty said that." The wine glass meets my lips before I realize that it's empty. "ADAM! I NEED MORE WINE!" Mary Kate jumps at my yelling. Adam looks to Mary Kate for permission to pour me more wine. She mouths 'no' to him.

"Wait. When did Matty say that?" 

"Before he left me to go across the fucking country." I take another bite of ice cream.

"Wait. He left you? Like you guys were no longer the best of friends? Or because he broke up with you and broke your heart?"

"My fucking heart Mary Kate. Keep up. Matty and I broke up or whatever that was. Then he fucking left me to move across the fucking continent. Fuck, Mary Kate. It's never going to stop hurting is it? ADAM WHERE IS MY FUCKING WINE?" I raise myself up to look over the couch and into the kitchen looking for Adam. I feel dizzy and sit back down. I lay back on the couch and throw my arm over my eyes. "Mary Kate, your living room is spinning."