rachel

part 20

We stare at each other for what feels like ages. My guess is it's only been 5 seconds. Time has always been really difficult to gauge when I'm with Matt. Hours pass and it feels like minutes or minutes pass and it feels like hours. My eyes dart away from his and I look down at my feet. Why is he here? We're a really lousy definition of friends at this point. It doesn't make sense that I would be on his list of people to see while he's home. I realize that I've been up in my head and haven't even invited him in.

"Do you want to come in?"                                     

"Can I come in?"

We say this at the same time. He gives me a small smirk and I do the same. I anxiously put my hair behind my ear, turn on my feet and walk over to the couch. I tuck my feet up under me and grab my wine from the coffee table. He follows me and takes a seat on the other side of the couch. You could cut the tension with a knife. The silence in our childhood was comforting, the silence right now is incredibly awkward.

"How long are you visiting?" The amount of strength it takes to push those words out has me feeling exhausted. This is going to be a long conversation and this is going to be a long night at this rate. I'm going to need to nap all day tomorrow to recover.

"Uhh." He seems nervous and runs his hands back and forth on this legs. "I actually moved back. I got sick of the west coast and seeings how Jace is locked up and out of state I felt like I could come back. Start over."

"Oh. Wow. That's a big change. Is your girlfriend ok with making that move? How does she like it here? I'm sure it's really different."

He looks uncomfortable. He runs his hand through his hair and I watch every movement and pick up on every minute detail of his face and his hair. He looks fucking fantastic. He's even hotter than I remember. He has a sexy amount of stubble on his face. His jaw is strong and square. His hair is a little long on top and slightly wavy. His eyes are magnificent. They are the exact blue that has been my favorite color for the past, ok let's be honest, forever. He has a gray tshirt on and it stretches across his chest and shoulders. His jeans are faded with a couple store made rips on his thighs. The jeans are snug in all the right places. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he is so fucking delicious.

"Uhhh. Ya, umm. We broke up actually. It made the move make even more sense."

My chest turns pink and I stop my lazy perusal of his face and body and look towards the window. I feel like I have a grape stuck in my throat. 

"How are you, Rach?" I look back at him but quickly look down at my hands. My head is reeling. I'm not sure how to respond at first but go with my heart.

"Matt, I can't small talk. I can't do this. I know that Mary Kate meddled.. but.. why are you here? Why did you send me that email?" Halfway through I look at him with confusion written on my face. I bite my lip and notice his eyes dart down to my mouth. My stomach is tied up in an impossible knot. I grab my glass of wine and take a healthy gulp.

He sits up and rests his elbows on his legs. He looks down at the floor between his legs. He studies the floor. He starts talking without glancing up.

"Rach, I figured it'd go away. I mean.. eventually right?.. as the years passed but it just continued to consume me.." He pauses and fills his lungs with air and exhales heavily. "Amy broke up with me. Honestly, it completely caught me off guard." He finally turns to look at me. It takes all of my power and strength to hold his eye contact. "She knew that my heart and my head was somewhere else. She knew that I wasn't giving her my all... and I wasn't."

It's my turn to look into my lap. I pick at invisible nothings on my jeans. 

"I caught Chris in bed with another woman." I can't make my voice any louder than a whisper. Tears fill my eyes but they don't leak out.. yet. "We weren't perfect. I mean.. we'd fight a lot and it'd always come back to me.. me not being able to give all of myself to him. He never felt like he had all of my love." I feel Matt's eyes on my face. I look up and his hands are rubbing his jeans. 

It's silent again. The air is thick. Matt stands up abruptly and I immediately think that he's leaving. My eyes follow him as he moves to the kitchen. His back side is almost as glorious as his front. His jeans sit low on his hips. His shirt stretches across his shoulders. He opens a couple cupboards before finding what he's looking for. He fills a glass with water and then walks back to the couch. He sits down but this time much closer to me. If I slide my hand over just a little I could reach his leg. He takes a couple gulps of water and places it on the coffee table. I continue to wait patiently for him to say something. Anything.

"I wanted to reach out to you the second I got home. I knew that I'd fucked up though. I knew that you were engaged and that.. I don't know.. I knew that if I told you I was home it'd somehow fuck up your life and I didn't want to do that to you. I've done it enough times before." He pauses and takes a big breath in. One hand goes through his hair and my eyes follow it. "You were so happy and I decided that it's more important for you to be happy without me than for me to selfishly be in your life." He can't even look me in the eye. He looks away from me and I know that he does this when his emotions are getting the best of him. 

My heart is erratic (I know.. when is it not..). The beat is fast and I feel like I have an iron fist pressing down on my chest. I shift in my seat. I'm kneeling with my butt down on the backs of my feet. My body is completely facing his. I grab the hand that is resting on his leg and the second that I do he turns to me. Like I shocked him (physically and emotionally). He moves his body so it's facing me. I place his hand on my heart. His eyes are on his hand over my heart and then they move up to my face. 

My eyes telepathically tell him what I want and what I need. It doesn't even take a quarter of a second for him to grab my face with his free hand and crash his lips to mine.