Elimination

Ep 19 My First

On our way out from Zyrc's house, I did'nt utter any word.  he too don't even say any..
as we were walking down the street on the block towards the main street....
" do you know a place???, ?"
"what?" i replied??

"why me?' I added..

Any suggestion"? he say.  
"I don't know if the place i know is okay with you, and besides it's too far from the City." I said.

"Oh!!, I know one in the city, " I added.  
"okay, let's go there"....
A taxi came in front of us,  and i was so hesistant at first..  

my heart keeps pounding so loud.the thought of going in such kind of place is unordinary.
 and in contrary, i was almost decided because of a painful thought that i long to do. I was rather vengeful from the pains I've been through that past few weeks.

I was saying to myself that i might be ready...somehow.
. and maybe a positive 2nd thought why was i sure of what I'm about to do... Not just because i know very well how to take good care of an infant alone.. I have gone through that since i was the one took care of one of my niece right after when she was born because her parents has a job to look after and i was there to give help.

Not just I'm quite capable of those things but because I trust Reese.
yes... maybe I trust him that much that i would never think that he would abandon me
just incase I would be put in a situation as a result..

 a result of what's going to happen..

I know his personality and it is too far from being irresponsible most especially when it comes to "family"
He has been supporting his family  financially ever since he landed a job after graduating..  that's one that i like from his character the most.
..
'"are you sure about this?'' I whispered while we were at  the taxi.
""I guess so......maybe I'm ready to be a father, but not a husband yet... "

I was having a deep thought and sadly wheighing my conscience..  my thought was never narrowed until i heared those words.

but i liked him ever since i knew him.. I don't understand myself when it comes to him.

It feels like everything seems to be fine when I'm with him. ..  I could feel a little safety and a little of fascination.

I know we're both not drunk. . we were on our own self and consciousness.

As we reached the place that i used to know, we just goit off from the taxi when the guard from that motel approached us
telling that they were fully booked..  

"I don't know another place here in the city" I said...
"I know a place" he said while hailing another taxi that was coming through.

"you should have opted to go to that place you know, we should've wasted money going to a fully booked place" i exclaimed.
"It's ok" he answered.

As we arrived the motel., we both approached the reception area. he then asked for the room rates.
"where's your share?" he said?? "serious?" i replied with a smirk.  "here's my share" i added as i handed him a coin.

Then we head towards the room....

As we enter the room,  he go straight to the air conditioner to increase the cold temperature..
As i saw the bed,  my heart just pounding stronger, ......and stronger........ and stronger... .

I don't know if i was in a shock or I was just scared of what's about to happen...
I hated myself that i have the courage to be in that situation with him.
i have multiple thoughts in my mind but all I can see was him ....  

"I'll go toilet first" he said...  I just nod.. .
As he went out from the toilet,  he was half naked with a towel wrapped on his waist.

My heart keeps pounding....  I have to show him I'm strong with my decision...  all I care that time was to have a baby of my own. It's what my family and friends adviced me too since I'm not getting any younger..
I have to be on the flight.. It might be my last flight as other people say.

So i mustered a lot of courage for that.

When it's my time to use the toilet for a bath,,  it feels like i don't want to come out from there...  
but i know I have to face what i have started.

I saw him lying on bed after i went out the toilet...  feels like I want to quit..  but it's too late for that.
...
As i remember, we both watched television while lying on the bed, feeling a bit akward with each other, and suddenly found ourselves
finally doing it..

I could hardly imagine how i did that and what just had happen that night.. my body starts to tremble, and it makes me shiver..
it's quite unexplainable and rather magical i could say, but it dit really feels true and yes, I endured the pain.. .
 I know my thoughts would sound  absurd rather exaggerated.  
Guess it was just my preposterous thoughs for me to come clean after doing a premarital things..

"who cares? I'm at legal age " my thoughts exlaimed. "I know i would become a good mother if i would get pregnant" I said to myself.

next thing happen was I'm pretty sure, i felt asleep in his arms while being naked ofcourse..  ..

 the sight of a dawning sunlight was pretty obvious through the windows.

.
I was quite surprised by that scene ,but i suddenly felt really cold  because of being naked though there's a piece of blanket was covering both of us..

I know he was still sleeping but  i tried to shake his arms telling that I'm feeling cold. .

I did'nt expect that he would open his eyes and go to the airconditioner and lower down it's' temperature and get back to bed...

I love cozy temperatures..  so back in his arms again... we slept some more...
Later then the sunlight was a bit obvious outside but was a bit blinded by the curtains..  

I found myself still in his arms..  "good morning" i say....
long after he responded with his morning greet,  i was puzzled when he hurriedly throw his lips towards mine... I can't explain why he had this sudden urge to make love as soon as he woke up... I
Did i say make love?
I was just imagining... Ithere might be no love at all... It was all just on my own thoughts..  he will never Love me.. It was just nothing but lust over curiosity for him. That's all maybe..

I know it was his means of something else he wanted to do. which i let him do so... but that time feels a bit more special to me...i felt every move of his hands deep within my soul.. It feels like i have submitted everything to him just like how a wife/partner should do.. Though i know it was just my wishful thinking all along.

I feel like I have worth for him.. . no.... maybe i was just being exaggerated again...   but i did not care at all.. .
all i know is that he was the first person that i allowed to take everything from me..
It feels like I'm her woman though i know I will never be for him....

I know I'm not his type of girl that he wished to be with in his entire life.
I know that my figure was way very far from his ideal woman..
He would certainly fall for someone who's pretty, sexy, and appealing to his friends or everyone around him in his life... I would never be liked by him. A week established and responsible man like him are just fit for a fine woman that could please their eyes and color their imaginations.

And I know I was just fooling myself by falling in love with the person I know will never be mine ....