sʜᴀᴛᴛᴇʀɪɴɢ [Kingdom of Loathing fanfiction]

Chapter 16

Trying to make a good imp-ression

***

I don't know how much has passed since I fell to the floor, but at a point, I felt something nuzzling my cheek. Then, a stinging sensation on my neck. I woke up, lifting myself on my knees with difficulty. My limbs were numb. I sat down the floor. I then heard a soothing buzz around me...

''R-Raven...! You're here !''

I stood up, feeling him nuzzling my cheek again. That made me giggle. I then picked my hammer, packed my bag and looked at my surroundings. Nothing. Nothing, asides the stony ground that was tainted with a maroon shade of red, and the ''sky'' (it's not really a sky, for there were no clouds, but consider it as a sky for now) that was pitch black. Where did I fall again ? I thought while advancing to a random direction. After a few steps, I noticed a pannel with written on it 'Pandamonium, 6 miles' in gothic caligraphy. Instinctively, I followed the pannel's direction in a run. The six miles later, I landed on a display of a town : on the middle was a place labled 'Moaning Panda Square', where a collection of pandas statues that were looking like they were... moaning ? were displayed. I still have the picture in mind. And it's... disturbing.

But going back to the description : behind the statues was a temple with big, spiky pillars. On the left, a patch of shelters, probably where imps live. On the right, two sphere shaped buildings. One with a smiling face as an entrance, the other with a giant electric guitar attached on the roof.

''Let's see... I'll ask someone about the way.''

I walked inside the deserted square. I suddenly noticed a shadowy figure stepping from behind one of the many moaning pandas statues. He looked like an imp (for a change) with curly horns, and had a trench coat on him. He started to open his coat with a greedy glare, and with a gasp, I started to avert my eyes. I then breathed a sigh of relief, as I saw that he was wearing pants, and that the inside of his trench coat was lined with merchandise for sale (watches and wallets, for instance).

"Hey. Hey, buddy. Allow me to introduce myself,'' he said, ''I'm a man of wealth, taste, and the finest merchandise this side of the river Styx. Wanna buy a watch ? Or a nice new wallet ? Or an ancient talisman of unspeakable evil ?"

"No, no, and yes. How much Meat do you want for the talisman ?" I asked, pulling out my wallet.

"Meat ?" the stranger said, raising his eyebrows. "We don't trade in Meat here in Hey Deze. We trade in sin here. I'll hand over this talisman in exchange for proof that you've beaten up five imps at Belilafs, and five demons at the Infernal Rackets concert. Asides, I've already given the job to someone else..."

''Who ?''

My question was quickly answered, for a sudden little explosion rang next to me. I dodged it in time, falling on my arse. When I stood up, I saw a woman walking to me, a sauce pan in one hand, a wand that was arched to a spiral at the end of it in the other. Her long, wavy brown hair was floating gently, at least the part that wasn't hidden behind her stripped bandana. In terms of clothing, while at it, she was wearing a white tank top, a brown waistbelt to accompany soft brown pants and assorted boots. She tugged her sauce pan back to her waistbelt, exchanging it with a circular vial that contained a fushia liquid with red bites in it. 

''Back off my quest, creep !'' she shouted at me.

''You dare saying that while you're the one threatening people with bombs ?! That oddly... look like Saucerors potion vials while at it...''

''Tch, that ain't changing. Move out, before I make only one taste of you.''

''Fight me yourself !'' I replied, arming my hammer to her.