Meredith and Zola

"the talk" pt. 2

mer's pov~
"look, zola. i'm going to try to make this quick and less uncomfortable, for both of us."
"mom. is everything okay? did i do something wrong?"
"everything is fine. i just- i saw you and austin making out in the car. you're about to turn sixteen and i know both of you have crazy hormones right now. you've probably talked, or at least thought about, 'going further'."
"mom, please, stop. i- we were just kissing. that's it, really."
"zola. i know that nothing was happening in the car, but next time it might. and- if we're being honest here- your dad and i has sex in a car once. it was awful you don't want your fir-"
"mom! please! stop! i mean, i really did not have to hear that today," she tells me.
she's probably right, i really don't know how to have these serious talks.
"okay, but seriously this time. i want to talk to you about birth control. and i know i've told you about this in the past but now you have a boyfriend and you're getting older. i can take you to your doctor and you can go on the pill, there are options, if you want. is that- i mean- do you think you would want to try that?"
she hasn't made eye contact with me this whole conversation, but i can tell there's lots going through her head. when we were adopting her i didn't think this far. fighting for court dates and i literally kidnapped her, but i didn't think ahead to her teenage years.
"yeah. i think i should. i really like him. and actually.." she starts.
i give her a minute but she doesn't say anything.
"'and actually' what?" i ask.
"actually... he asked me if i wanted to go further today, in the car. i don't know if that's what i want. but yes, i do think we should talk about birth control. just in case," she says to me with confidence.
i look at her intensely, making direct eye contact. i love her so much and i can't even put this feeling into words. she's growing up. she's so damn smart and strong. i know she'll make the right decisions and won't let a guy pressure her into anything outside of her comfort zone. that's where we're different; at her age i already had pregnancy scares because my mom and i never had this talk.
"okay. i can call your doctor tomorrow. now come here. i love you so much i can't even stand it, you know that right?"
"you're not mad, are you? right? you said i could talk to you?" she says, her voice fading.
"zozo, of course i'm not mad. are you crazy? everyday i thank god i got so lucky i have an amazing girl like you. most girls your age would never go to their moms. i mean, i didn't!" i tell her, smiling.
most moms probably wouldn't be okay with this. i'm totally messing this up, right? i should tell her sex is bad and she shouldn't even be thinking about it, right?
i mean let's be real, she's basically sixteen and the idea is already in her head. i might as well be a good resource and a trustworthy person for her to talk to.
"i just want you to be careful, okay? just to be clear, i'm not encouraging this, i'm just being real and i know that things happen. i'm not dumb," i remind her, "now, can you please tell me more about him? i don't even know what he looks like. he better be cute. he's your first kiss, first boyfriend, first time."
"mom! we haven't even done anything. really. but while you're in this 'wise mother' mood, can i go to a party friday night? please?" she asks.
"a party? you want to go to a party? like a stereotypical high school party? that's not really your thing. are you sure?"
"austin's friend invited him and he wants me to come with him. his friend from the basketball team or something? i really don't know."
"yes. you can go, i suppose. and i know i sound like a broken record, but you need to be careful. you are not going to drink. or smoke, or vape. whatever it is, if it's stupid, you will not do it. do you understand? that's the condition for going to the party," i say. that sounded like something a good parent would say, right?
"i'm not that dumb! i won't be pressured into anything or whatever, i know."
"okay. you better not come home totally drunk. i'll be pissed off because i know i've raised you better, and also-."
"okay! i get it, really. can you stop with the lectures now? i'm responsible. i'm a straight a student and now that i have a boyfriend, you think i'm going to be some sort of disappointment of a daughter. you don't trust me, do you?" she interrupts me and storms off.
"zola! of course i trust you, but you have to be smart and i need to talk to you!" i yell, but she's already slammed the door to her room across the hallway.
that could have gone better. i lay on my side, in my bed, holding back tears. i shouldn't let her get to me, and we that wasn't even a 'fight', so why do i feel like this? i need her to confide in me and how can i do that when she thinks she can't trust me? i just hope what i said sticks with her and she doesn't do anything stupid on friday night.