It Will Rain

Overwhelmed

                                                                                                WILL

It was horrible seeing them, talking was enough. I wasn't ready for this. Mike distanced himself from El when they saw me but I noticed. I also noticed El's surprised face which told me she wasn't expecting the distance which was equivalent to the fact that nothing changed between them while I was gone. That hurt.

I looked at Eddie and gave him s desperate look. The group was talking to some people at the front. "Please Eddie, I can't do this alone. My dad and them are not a good mix for me. He used to call me a faggot. It was always only me, Mike, Dustin and Lucas in a basement. Once he was so drunk us accused us of jerking each other off right in front of Mike and his sister. I haven't seen him in so long. Please....stay." 

He nodded and when they started coming over he switched so that he was sitting next to me. Jon sat on my other side and everybody just squeezed around me. "Hey bud how have you been?" Jon asked. I shrugged with one shoulder. 

I looked at Mike who seemed to be dodging El, she tried to grab his hand but he literally yanked it away and stood. He walked over and squished between Eddie and me. I frowned and wanted to push Mike back but then he smiled at me and my heart melted. No matter how much I hate to admit it, I will always be in love with him. I sighed as an unwelcomed wave of sadness splashed me, pulling me under and drowned me. I turned to El to see that she was beginning to cry. "El honey, you okay?" Joyce asked her. She looked up and nodded. 

"So, anyways, how have you been Will? This place doesn't look....half bad." Hopper said, obviously trying to fill the awkward silence that filled the air after every word. "Okay, I guess." I mumbled and shrugged again. "Any new friends?" Joyce asked. I met her eyes and it hurt because they were full of pity and sadness. "No, bot really. I don't have a roommate and it isn't really social around here. Or yet, I haven't earned my privileges so.....it's whatever."

"It's whatever." Mom repeated as she sat back and leaned into Hopper even more. "Okay, so I know it's not the time for this but I was thinking that Will and Jonathan should have a few months in the city with me and my new wife." Lonnie spoke up. My eyes widened as I looked up at him. Mom scoffed. "Yeah okay, like that is going to happen. Will and Jon are fine here in Hawkins. They don't need to be caught up in that "home" of yours ran by you and that girl who's barely older than themselves." 

Lonnie turned to her. "Okay? This is okay?" he asked gesturing to me. I suddenly felt offended and so did Jon, mom and Hop. "You know what, Lonnie, go screw yourself." Hopper told him. Lonnie rolled his eyes. "You know what Hopper, mind your own fucking business. These are my sons not yours."

Joyce glared at him, if looks could kill Lonnie would be long gone. "Your son? After all these years you have the audacity to call them your sons?" 

He nodded, "Obviously if they were with me this would have never happened."

Jon shook his head, "Fuck you Lonnie. You were never a father to us. You care more about a six pack of beer than us. You know that's true. We all know that's true. Hopper has been more of a dad to us in the last few years than you ever will or be. We became his business when he started caring and providing for us, just like we stopped being your business even BEFORE you left!" Jon whisper yelled. We were getting weird looks from other people and some doctors were whispering. Soon, if they got too loud, they'd get kicked out and I'd be escorted to my new room. Them leaving wasn't a bad idea. I wanted to be alone. Or just me and Mike time so that we could talk about everything.  But this was just overwhelming. I felt like we were back in custody court except this time my dad was trying to take me and Jon away from my mom. If we went to court he'd actually have a chance this time around because my grades have slipped and here I was being hospitalized for suicide attempt, depression and bipolar disorder.

I wanted to flip the table and yell at them to stop, that they were being childish. Instead I turned to Mike who had gone silent, along with Eddie and El. This was just way too private for them to jump in. "Why did you do that?" I asked low enough that only he could hear. No one noticed, they were too caught up in themselves to care about me, just like always. "Do what?" he mumbled back, catching on that I wanted to keep this conversation to ourselves and not with the people around us. "Why'd you move away from El when you guys came in and when you sat down. You didn't even want to hold her hand."

His face was emotionless but I could tell he was thinking because he swallowed hard. "Because there is only one person that I actually want to do that to, but I'm pretty sure he hates me."

"I don't hate you." we left it at that. I blended back into the background as the bickering continued. My head swirled and I could feel a headache coming. I couldn't take it any longer. I stood and screamed, "STOP!" They all looked at me surprised. "THIS ISN'T HELPING ANYTHING!" some doctors tried to come but they were stopped and I heard who i'm guessing is the boss say something like, "Let him express himself, Everybody get out."

Everyone left except the doctors who scribbled in their notepads. Tears spilled from my eyes as every emotion in me faded and was replaced with sudden anger. I wanted to break something. Everything. "Lonnie, they are right. You haven't ever been a father to us and if you want to start well great but it's gonna take a lot more than an invitation for us to let you back in our lives. And if we are being completely honest you've lost your spot in our lives and there is no chance that you will earn it back!" I screamed. His face hardened. "I am your father, miles away or not. I created you and nothing can change that" 

I rolled my eyes. "THAT'S A WHOLE LOT OF BULL! THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS BULLSHIT! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE BULLSHIT! YOU'RE A SHITTY PERSON, YOU'RE A SHITTY FATHER YOU'RE A SHITTY HUSBAND, OVERALL YOU ARE JUST COMPLETELY SHITTY. A DAD ISN'T DEFINED AS THE MAN WHO MAKES THE CHILD BUT THE MAN WHO LOVED, CARED AND WAS THERE FOR THE CHILD. WHENEVER YOU WERE AROUND YOU WERE DRUNK OR DRINKING. MOM WORKED SO MANY JOBS AND ALL YOU DID WAS GET THROWN JOB FROM JOB GETTING FIRED OVER AND OVER, YOU WASTED EVERY PAY CHECK ON BEER. YOU SPENT MORE TIME WITH YOUR COUCH THAN ME OR JON."

I tried to calm myself but couldn't. My insides were bubbling and boiling. "I came here because I was worried about you, about all three of you."  

"Worried? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"You don't know a thing about me!"

"Yeah because you were never fucking here!"

"I was a man who didn't finish college and has kids with his high school sweet heart who also didn't finish college. Nobody would take me in for a job. I was constantly being kicked out but I kept going because I loved ya'll."

"You deserted us!"

"I loved ya'll!"

"THAT WAS LOVE?"

"Yes! Yes! It was!"

"OKAY, THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE?"

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"IF YOU LOVED US SO MUCH, WHY WEREN'T YOU HERE?"

"I TRIED! I ALWAYS TRIED!"

"YOU WERE NEVER HERE! YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING HERE! YOU LEFT! JON WAS 9, 9 AND TAKING CARE OF YOU! OF US ALL! HE did his best to fill the role of a father that you horribly failed to fill. He was in the fourth grade dragging your ass, passed out, in from the yard so you wouldn't freeze to death! He stayed up all night with me when mom was on a business trip and couldn't catch the train until the next morning when I had the chicken pox! He and mom changed my diaper! And they were both there when I started school! Not you, them! Never you, you were too fucking loaded! You weren't a father you were a junkie, and a drunk."

He shook his head and stood. What I said was getting to him I could tell. Good. I've spent too much time being silent. "You didn't love me. You never gave a shit about anyone but yourself. I'm glad you left, at least now you can't fuck us over anymore."

I flipped the table, glass shattering. They all scrambled to their feet. I stomped on the glass, on the wood. The doctors came over and grabbed me, I let them pull me out, my eyes blurry with tears. I've never cursed so much in my life.