I͎t͎'͎s͎ ͎Y͎o͎u͎ - Zαɾɾყ AU

Chap 6

Zayn's pov :

I did that for him.

I want him to forget about me and be happy.

I want him to live a successful life and I hope he finds someone as perfect as himself who can love him unconditionally, unlike I did. Whoever it is, a girl or a boy. I don't seem to care. I just want him to be happy.

I want him to know that he can be loved again.

I want to see him smiling while holding hands with his girlfriend or his boyfriend.

Even though, that will kill me. That will shatter my heart into million more pieces then it already has, but it's quite clear there's nothing I can do about it.

My mental health, as well as my physical health is not enough to love someone, when I seem to find it difficult to even love my own self.

It's really hard. He probably hates me now and he probably never wants to talk about me but one day, I'll tell him why I did all of this. One day, I'll apologize and if he still wants to leave, he can. If he wants to stay, I'm never letting him go any fucking where. And that's on zarry.

I told niall and Liam about my plan and they seemed to understand, but louis.. He was upset. He was on more of Harry's side. He knew if I leave Harry, he'll break. But I had to.

And now I've lost both, the love of my life and my partner in crime.

And I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

My solo management is much better than before, or at least that's what it looks like. I mean they have been nice. Asking me about my well being and all that after everything that has been happening but it's fucking devastating so what do they expect?

I haven't said anything other than about four sentences to anyone in a whole week.

I have written a song though. It's for my love. Of course it is. He's the only one for me.

It's called "I won't mind". And I've been singing it non stop. I haven't showed it to anyone. But I will talk to the label about it soon.

I pick my guitar up from the bed and sit on the couch again. Ready to sing.

Don't look around cuz' love is blind
And darling right now,
I can't see you.
I'm feeling proud so without a doubt,
I can feel you.
Cuz' we are who we are when no one's watching.
And right from the start you know,
I got you.
Yeah you know I got you.
I won't mind,
Even though I know,
You'll, you'll never be mine.
I won't mind,
Even though I know,
You'll never be mine.
We messed around
until we found the one thing we said,
We could never ever,
Live without I'm not allowed to talk about it,
But I gotta tell you,
Cuz' we are who we are when no one's watching.
And right from the start, you know,
I got you.
Yeah you know I got you.
I won't mind,
even though I know,
You'll, you'll never be mine.
I won't mind,
Even though I know,
You'll never be mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This song is quite self explanatory. You know, a lover leaving a lover for their better.

It's true that I can feel him with me. I know that he still loves me and will keep on loving me until his last breath and so will I.

I know, it makes his heart burn at the thought that he still loves me. It makes him mad and he probably wants to murder me.

He can and I'll thank him.

I don't want to live in this world without him. I wish I could end myself. (A/N, writing this about Z with my own hands makes me want to kill my own self but it's just for the feels. I love zayn and I'll die if something happens to him :(.)

But it's not only about him. It's about my fans, my family, my friends as well. They all look up to me and I need to be strong for them. And it'll probably shatter Harry more than he already is and I don't want that.

I've already hurt people enough by leaving the band and 'leaving' harry so that is the last thing I want.

I just have to move on. I have to take care of myself, make everyone around me proud. I have to get my shit together and then I'll be able to get Harry back.

I know if I'll explain this to him later, if I ever could. He would say that he could take care of me and stuff but I know that he was trying to keep himself together when he just wanted to give up.

It's not only about him putting effort and finishing himself. Sometimes, you just have to leave someone for their better.

And I really fucking hope that he will understand that. Because if he doesn't, that'll be the last day of me being me. Cuz' there's no zayn without Harry. And there's only one Harry for me.

There's no Harry without zayn either.

Blowing the air out of my mouth, I shut my eyes tightly to get a hold of myself. I've been locked in this room for about an hour. I don't feel like doing anything besides thinking about him, crying, sleeping or singing.

So it's either any of these or nothing.

Thinking about it, I think I really need some sleep.

I can't even bring the tears out of my eyes, I feel like I've cried enough due to all the regret, hurt and guilt that I've been feeling these past whole week.

But I know that it's not going to end that soon. It's a pain of lifetime.

I always hurt the people I love the most.

Harry and the fans, counting.

I get up from the couch and go to the bathroom. I can't put into words how thankful I am that I'm alone in my house right now.

I take a quick warm shower to get rid of the stress that has been weighing down on me.

I wear simple comfy clothes, a simple Grey t-shirt and some shorts.

I don't feel hungry even though I know I need to eat and get my diet back onto the track but I just don't want to, not yet, not tonight.

I just want to stay broken tonight.

I switch off the lights and throw myself on the bed, thinking about Harry and saying him a goodnight in my head and call it a night.

________
My heart breaks for Z.

Imagine when he left the band. Away from Harry, away from perrie if they ever were something (lmao).

Let alone, away from Louis, Liam and niall and the directioners. And then getting so much hate.

I mean, it must have been a fuck of a lot for him. I miss his smile. Bro fuck 💔

I love him :(
I love all of these 5 idiots 💕

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