I͎t͎'͎s͎ ͎Y͎o͎u͎ - Zαɾɾყ AU

Chap 11

It's been a couple of months since my confrontation with the team about the song I wrote 'I won't mind' ;they told me to not put it in the album for many reasons that are not even worth mentioning.

They simply let me record it in the studio and I did. It's also somewhere out there, and I'm sure many fans have heard it already.

It's literally the first song that I've written after I left the band. I'm truly proud of it, but the fact that management refused to put it on my first album, that kind of let me down.

As far as I know, the boys are on break now. One direction, the biggest boyband on the planet is no more; I'm not the member of the band anymore, so I'll obviously won't know when they have planned to come back, but I sure do hope, soon.

Although, it was always the five of us or none of us, or no zayn without Harry and no Harry without zayn. But- I still want them to continue without me.

Their last album 'Made in the A.M' was so damn different, I kind of heard some of their music. I heard 'drag me down' , which was an absolute banger. Heard 'Olivia', it was so different from the other music we've made or usually make.

In conclusion, the songs that I've heard were different and it seemed like they were given much time to complete, which is good.

My album also has been out for about 2 months now. 'Mind of mine' has gotten a lot of recognition, I've even won an award for my song 'pillowtalk' when it got released. I did a couple of performances of my songs from the album such as 'like I would' and 'its you'.

A couple of photo shoots and as well as interviews. It was good to be back at the track after spending a whole week like a sick cat in home.

I feel productive, of course.

Time to times, I miss Harry a lot. It gets unbearable. But then I call mom and she always gets me in my senses, one thing she never fails in reminding is that all of this is for my healing, for me getting to know myself and getting to know what I am capable of doing.

It's to get to know myself.

After the album was released, I joined therapy. It helps a lot.

My third appointment was about a few weeks ago. I met with my therapist, her name is Morello but she likes to be called Morel. Morel is, she's definitely very calm and takes time to understand you. Her way of explaining and holding a conversation is comforting on it's own.

She knows when you're finding it hard to talk about a certain topic so she goes slow, she starts to hold out the conversation in a slow pace, with little questions so you can get there easily.

I mostly talked to her about, well, Harry. I didn't tell her about him at all, he's a she in front of her.

So, it was kind of like :

"So tell me about this love interest of yours, would you?"

I take a deep breath before I start.

"I-"

I close my eyes, feeling like the world is spinning.

"It's not ever easy to talk about her, it's so fucking hard to even think about her. It's the constant feeling of regret that I'd let her down, I'm always thinking about her even when I don't want to, y'know?"

"I hear you zayn, go on"

"She drives me fucking insane morel, it's like she lives in my imagination and my dreams. She's the one who's always on my mind even when I'm so fucking busy and worked up, everything is about her. What I'm doing, how I'm doing, what's the reason, what's not, my songs, everything is about her "

I finished rambling and glanced over at morel, only to look at her face looking down, like she's thinking deeply.

"Did both you break up? If so, when and how?"

She asked after a couple minutes of silence.

"We never even started dating officially. It's kind of like, I was supposed to be with a girl, I didn't want to be with. That girl was using me, I was with you know her, like we knew we're partners but just with each other"

"I see. Seems intense zayn but we've got time so just wait"

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Nah wot is this omg.