Youtube One-Shots

I found a reason (Phan AU)

This is going to be kind of an alternate universe one okay. Dan and Phil are going to be in high school. This may be triggering to some of you, so please don't read if you feel that you may be triggered. Okay Enjoyyyyy!

Dan POV:

God, I hate myself. I thought to myself as I stared into the mirror. I laughed to myself, I'm so pathetic, talking to myself. No one can hear me anyway. No one would want to hear me. Hell, I don't even want to hear me! I probably sound disgusting anyway. I don't have a reason to care anymore, why should anyone else care about me? I sure as hell wouldn't care if I were someone else.

I glanced to my right and saw an object glistening. A razor. Do it, the voice in my head said, It isn't like anyone would care! Just do it, you worthless piece of shit! It said. Maybe I should listen to it, it doesn't seem like anyone would care. I reached for the piece of metal. Yes, that's it, Dan.

I sighed and picked up the object. It will be okay, I can always stop if I want to. Sure you can, it wouldn't be hard to stop at all. Not that you'll want to. I brought it to my wrist and shook my head. Someone might find them there. I pulled down the hem of my pants and brought to razor to my hip instead. My hand was shaking and I was worried that the razor would fall out of my hand any minute.

I gave in and slid the sharp object across my hip bone. At first I hissed, but when I saw the beading blood I was at ease. See, it isn't so bad, Dan. Do it again. I drug it across again and again until the blood started to drip down my thigh. That was nice relief. I can't do it again though. It wouldn't be any good. Shut up, Dan. You and I both know that you're going to have to do it again and again.

"Shut up!" I yelled, forgetting I wasn't home alone. I heard foot steps coming up the stairs quickly. I pulled up my pants and hid the razor, soaking up the blood on the floor with my shirt sleeves. I realized that I didn't have an excuse for the yelling, so I pulled out my phone and held it to my ear, making it look like I was arguing with someone on the other end. In reality, I only had one contact in my phone. His name was Phil. We had been best friends until this year, but we had stopped talking. For some reason, this tore me apart inside. I soon realized it was because I was in love with him. What he did was unspeakable, yet I still loved him.

"Dan? Honey, are you alright?" My mom came into my room. I nodded, making it look like I hung up on the "person" on the other end.

"Dan, come here." She said. I sat on the bed beside her. "Your father and I are worried about you. Your'e acting very distant lately. Did we do something wrong?" I shook my head.

"No, I'm just really caught up with school and stuff," I said. That was a lie. I skipped school a lot lately. I just absolutely no motivation to go anymore.

"Really? Because your principal is saying otherwise," She said raising an eyebrow.

"I have no idea what her problem is, she's crazy anyway," I said. Another lie. My mother got up and walked to the door, looking back at me one last time.

"We are always here, Dan. I love you, okay honey? Get to sleep soon," She said. I nodded.

She's lying to you. She doesn't love you, who could? I shook my head, desperate for the thoughts to go away, though I knew they wouldn't. I decided to have a shower, and try to wash the blood off of my leg. I walked into the bathroom, avoiding the mirror. I stripped off my clothes and hopped into the shower. The water stung the cuts on my hip and I winced in pain. I still wanted my razor though. So I got it. I picked it up off of the counter and placed it on my thigh. I slowly drug it across my leg. Yes, that's it, Dan. Feels good, doesn't it? I nodded and drug it across again, this time deeper than the last. I continued this until the water was a mix of brown and red and then stopped. I didn't want to lose too much blood, that wouldn't be okay. Shut up, Dan. You know you're going to end up doing it again.