"Maybe dreams do come true after all. Even dreams we chase at midnight hours, Shorts."
At least Ray had dreams to chase because I ran away from mine. My dreams aren't the kinda dreams I could just wake up at midnight and chase 'em.
I have nightm...
HONESTLY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW staying home from school was supposed to help me in any way or form. If only, it allowed me enough time to brood and get angry and become regretful.
The only advantage to this was that I didn't have to face my friends for my wrongful behavior towards them. I knew I was too hard on them and quite frankly at the time, I truly didn't care.
However, now I couldn't stop thinking about how they treated my harshness with kindness as if they knew something was troubling me. I inwardly laughed, because Bre was the only one who didn't accept my crap. I expected that from Malik, not my quiet friend, Bre.
Oh well, I guess we should always expect the unexpected.
The only way I was able to busy myself was with cleaning. I've cleaned every corner of this house in over two days.
Who knew that cleaning could be so therapeutic?
Damn, I was now convinced that was boredom speaking.
At night Raymond was always there to satisfy me, and then I'd climb out of his room and back into mine.
He hated the brief moments we spent together, but that wasn't my problem. I don't believe that I have it within me to give him what he really wants. Maybe I need to put a stop to this.
No, not maybe. I should put a stop to this.
I couldn't hurt anyone else more than I had already.
I was occupied with my thoughts as I stared at the peaceful waves outside of my window when someone knocked on my room door. Slothfully, I rolled out of my comfortable spot to open the door.
It was my mother, restless as ever since I came from the hospital.
I'm such a pain in the ass.
And it shows on her face.
"Guess what," she said with such enthusiasm that it made me want to barf.
What did she take me for? A toddler?
Morosely, I stared at her, not interested in anything she had to say.
"You're no fun. The whole point was to guess," she expressed with a playful pout. She blew her massively grown hair out of her face. Her strawberry blonde roots were now taking over her edgy grey dye.
"By the way, you did a tremendous job with the house." She paused. "What I really came here for was to tell you that we found a therapist."
"A what?" I mean I clearly heard her. I simply couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth.
"A therapist," she beamed as if that was the best news ever. The nerve of this woman!
"I'm not going. I don't care how recommended he or she is."
"Yes, you are. I can't lose my daughter to that boy. Do you realize you haven't been the same since?" This was the strictest her voice as ever been with me concerning anything related to this. I guess she's had enough of my bullshit too.
"Did you expect otherwise?" I threw back at her, matching her tone.
"What I mean is that you act as if nothing happened, but it's evident that it's tearing you up from the inside out."
I looked away from her. It was true that it was tearing me up from the inside out. Still, why give her the satisfaction of confirming that.
I could barely admit that to myself without feeling like a failure. Josiah has won again, and he wasn't even here.
"When I had lost your brother, I felt as though my world was over. Can you imagine that my first child died in my arms? I was barely sixteen. I spent months thinking that it was my fault. But it wasn't. It's not your fault that life's going to kick and pummel you every once in a while. You should never ever have to think that you're in this all alone. You've got us, your family. You've got your friends. You've got Ray. Please, let us do our job and be here for you. It's the least we can do, yet sometimes that's all someone needs."
By the time my mother was done talking, I was buried into her lap with tears.
"I'm so sorry, mum. It still hurts."
"It's okay not to be okay, my sweet child."
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Waking up early for no specific reason and trying to fall back asleep made climbing mount Everest seem like an easy task and walking on waters possible. I kept my eyes closed, hoping that sleep would creep in and take over, but my body was more awake than sleepy.
I checked my phone, the brightness from it hurting my eyes. Through blurry eyes, I saw that it was 5:22 a.m. and my demons were messing with me again.
They were yelling everything that wasn't good about me, shouting at me to listen. I kept my eyes on the ceiling, feeling myself give into them. I heard labels. Loud and clear.
Impulsive.
Insecure.
Impatient.
Insane.
Intractable.
Shut up! Stop messing with my head.
I checked the time again. 5:35 a.m. Drowning in the silence, hearing nothing but the loudness of the voices in your head made thirteen minutes feel a lot more like thirty minutes.
5:40 a.m. my belly growled. Hungry and depressed; not the two best combinations.
I shut my eyes tight; twitching, and turning and ignoring the voices until I fell back asleep. Only I didn't. I stayed awake long enough to watch the sunlight peek its way through my blinds at 6:15 a.m and long enough to hear mom barge into the room to tell me that we were moving tomorrow.
