That October Night

Chapter 34

                SOMEONE ONCE SAID THAT the best part about memories was making them, but I wish I had the power to unmake mine.

Maybe then I would finally be happy.

My memories taunted me, and they were all I could think about. Not the good ones, of course. Those ones were overshadowed by even the tiniest detail of Josiah.

It's like they too feared that October night and crept into the farthest part of my prefrontal cortex.

"You have a problem!" Kat imploded. This was the third time in one day she was telling me this.  I've been lashing out on everybody that crossed my path. The crazy thing about it was that for some reason—it kept me grounded.

Or so I thought.

I stared at her dubious for a few moments then laughed out wholeheartedly. I really am insane. I'm not supposed to be laughing, but I couldn't stop.

Kat pierced her lips in annoyance, not knowing how to handle me. "What is wrong with you?!"

Everything! Can't you see? Why are you even friends with me?

In response with a peal of maniac laughter, I said, "Finally, the motherly Katalina doesn't know the answer. What a fucking surprise."

At this point, I couldn't tell if she was scared or just downright annoyed. Her now pallid fingers tapped on her phone with great speed. Her mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear her. I think she was infuriated.

Yeah, that's it. She's mad.

At me.

"Hey Mitchell, wanna go home?" Malik asked me, his voice the softest it's ever gonna get. "This isn't you."

"This isn't me? Since when the fuck did you know me well enough to know that this isn't me? Are you crazy? Did you knock your head on a desk on your way here?"

Somewhere in the middle of my distasteful words towards Malik, I tasted my tears before I felt them. They tasted like agony. Like a terrible memory. Like a whole four months, two weeks, fifteen hours of nothing but devastation.

I'm so fucking tired.

"I'm sorry. Are you okay, Ray?" Kat asked.

Here we go again with that pitiful question.

She was supposed to stay angry with me! She wasn't supposed to be looking at me as if I've had my whole life destroyed. As if everything good in my life got taken away from me. As if I was hopeless because I'm not.

I couldn't talk. My eyes were glued to Hakeem, hoping he could understand me, but he genuinely was confused.

Malik took my hand, and I simply followed. Hakeem stopped him. "Did she tell you, Malik?"

"Tell me what?"

"It's alright, you don't have to play lost. I know too."

"Look, man, I don't know what you're talking about. She went to that weird group that I'm forced to go to three days ago and had a panic attack. Never been the same since."

Hakeem threw me a look I couldn't quite understand. "Oh no no no, sweetheart."

"Can someone tell us what's going on?" Lola questioned, shooting up from her seat. She started pacing around with her fingernail between her teeth.

Kat's eyes grew the size of watermelons as she stared at me and the last thing I remember hearing was, "Guys, she's hyperventilating."