The Man In A Fedora

Chapter 6: Loss of Smile

03/17/2019

Waking up and not remembering who  and where I was,was ordinary for me.
After a few seconds with a blank memory ,the images of the previous night flocked in my mind like a filmstrip. The last memory I remembered was me talking with a bandage.
I grabbed the pillow and lifted it up to see my hand. The bandage was there.
It wasn't something to be grateful for but I was really greatful for it's existance. Looking at it with a sober mind, I realised the little smiley that was sketched on it.
My mouth curled up but after a few seconds it drastically changed into a pout as I realised I was too harsh on Harold the other night.
Directing my hate towards him and blaming him was the only way of distracting myself from the massive guilt I felt for letting my grandpa go. Deep down I was blaming myself and Harold was just a sandbag.
He appeared out of nowhere, he found my address and he knew about the funeral. None of these bothered me when I was drunk but as I thought about it more, it was scary.
Him wandering around my house like it's his own property and knowing my life like the back of his hand made me feel insecure. It was fun trying to get to know him before everything went out of control.
I had to decide if I believe it was him in the photos or not. 
Doing nothing and continuing my life was another option.
This man promised me that I won't see him ever again. He shut the door,leaving me and our crooked friendship behind.
I found myself getting addicted to him for no reasons, without knowing him.
I had days I felt like my life would be incomplete without him and there was no explanation for these feelings.
It was me getting hyped up about spiritual stuff convincing myself Harold was the one for me.
His absence was no different than his presence.
He changed nothing in my life, my heart, my mind.
We shared nothing that could make him unforgettable for me.
He was just a weird guy who I admired as an artist.
This weird phase of my life was over and my old life was waiting for me.
Stella Silva back at work as always, and no man allowed in her life.
I promised myself that I won't even consider thinking about him.
After a five minutes of discussion with myself, I felt so clean.
It all ends up in the mind, they say.
I got up and walked into the kitchen to prepare some breakfast for myself.
It's been a while since I had a proper meal. The cold air coming from the refridgerator helped me fully wake up. Once again, I opened the refridgerator before I decide on what I want to eat.
I stared at the half empty shelves for a while. For a moment I felt like I heard footsteps. I tried to focus on the sounds coming from the door.
I walked a few steps closer to the hall leaving the fridge open.
With every second, my heartbeats got louder. The sound of the big clock hung up on the wall and my heartbeats were in sync.
I got chills down my body when I heard the doorbell.
I was a bullet ready to be shot and that doorbell sound was a finger on the trigger. My hand on the door handle was shaking.
All that I could think of was him.
Promises,that I made to myself, were broken like a shattered wine glass.
I was angry at myself but not angry enough to stop me from opening that door.
"I missed you so much. I've been trying to reach you for the longest time." Alison screamed, jumping on me and hugging me tight.

"I'm sorry. You know the news." I said, hugging her back.

Apparantly I was expecting to see Harold at my door instead of my best friend. But the sad thing was the fact that I wanted to see him, more.
And I was letting him running through my mind again.
I once again tried to convince myself for something that wasn't true, but failed.
Yeah, we had no special moments that could make him unforgettable for me but it was obvious he would be staying in my mind for some time.
Something felt so incomplete, the chapter was undone.
I didn't want to end this phase,not when it ends like this.
But continuing a book without the author was impossible.
And he ended the chapter.

"Hey Stella, are you here?" Alison said, waving her hand right before my eyes.

"Oh I'm sorry, I-I'm just-" I said getting interrupted by Alison who just smiled and said
"You don't have to explain baby. I know you're going through hard times but I'm here for you."