The Man In A Fedora

Chapter 23: Long Longing/Over You

07/10/2019

I opened my eyes to the sound of an alarm. I reached out to my phone to close it and continue sleeping.
My life suddenly have became ordinary again.
It's been two weeks since Harold last visited me.
A voice echoed in my mind.
"Do not delay your alarm, promise me."
Every day I forced myself to wake up because of this voice.
Promises were the only things I could hold onto ever since that night.
Part of me was still hoping to see him appear out of nowhere but deep down I knew he wasn't going to do that.
That night was a silent goodbye.
And for the first time I couldn't put the blame on him.
A guilt was growing inside me, eating me alive.
I was scared of scaring him off by confessing him.
And I regretted every second of that night.
I wish I hadn't say a thing.
Wish I hadn't acted like a coward when he did bad things just to make me happy.
Wish I had asked him about the thing that was bothering him.
If only I had stayed instead of running away...
And now I am trying to reach him by calling the number he used when he called me.
I have been doing it everyday ever since he's gone.
There was no one to pick it up.
With every sunrise this hope inside me is dying.
And now I have to get used to the fact that I lost him.

09/15/2019

Two months gone and no sign from him.
I haven't been going out a lot lately.
Haven't been setting allarms either.
I got many calls from my friends, family and others but I couldn't answer any of them. There was no one in this universe I could talk to about all these stuff.

My parents would send me to a rehab and let me die the same way grandpa did without a doubt.

Alison would listen and pretend she
believes me but I wouldn't buy that.

Norman would tell me to meditate and I'd shake my head but never do it.

I once again realized how lonely I was before him.
I pulled the sheets over my head and crumbled into a ball.
I didn't have the strength to go on.
I didn't want to go out of my bed.
The weight around my chest was getting heavier and heavier everyday.
I've lost my apetite.
I can't sleep.
Everytime I close my eyes I see him.

No matter what I did, I couldn't get myself ready for a life without him.

He is all over me like a permanent stain on my apron.

Maybe he was just looking for the right time to appear, maybe the circumstances were not right.
Or maby I want to believe that since he still exists on my memory.

My phone started to vibrate again.
Or maybe it had been vibrating for so long.
I was so lost in thoughts that I can't tell.
I furiously grabbed it to close it down forever but it was his number.
Harold was calling.
My hands started to shake so much that couldn't get my fingers to click the right button at first.
My vision blurred out by the flood of tears filling my eyes.

With a broken smile on my face
"H-harold." I said. Tears started to stream down my face.

A female voice answered.
"I don't know who you are but you've been calling me for months. At first I thought it was an accident but if you keep on calling this number I might have to report you. I answered this one to warn you. This is not the right number."