THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY BOOK TWO (I'll Never Love Again) (girlxgirl)

CH.TEN

We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.    

_Rick Warren

BELLE'S POV

I figured maybe it was high time that I grew balls and ate away my anxiety to visit Sammie's grave. What occurred three nights back had left me shaken. I woke up rolled into a ball in a pool of liquor and vomit, looking awful. After crying my eyes out in my bathtub, I decided that maybe going to Samantha's grave would make her cease torturing me. So today since it was a Saturday and there was no work, I figured I would just suck up my shit and face the music.

After sitting in the bathtub till the water went cold, I walked out of the bathroom and went inside my room to have a change of clothes. In my head I was thinking of what I would do at Samantha's grave. I honestly had nothing to say, other than the one thing I had always said. The one word that I thought had already lost its meaning because I constantly used it. I would say I'm sorry and then what?

When I'd changed, I took my keys and found my way out of the house. I was going to just go straight back to the graveyard where I first met my first love and where my first love was resting; not in peace. I also had to try and make time for Jaycey since she'd called earlier on and asked for us to meet up. To say I was surprised is an understatement, my hangover subsided when I saw her name on my caller ID and her voice just soothed my aching heart. Not to mention the fact that she'd started to touch herself whilst talking to me, if only she knew the effect that she had on me.

I went out of the house, telling my butler to make something for dinner since Jaycey was going to be around. Driving out of the city wasn't in the cards for me, but I had no choice. Maybe going to speak to Samantha would ease the nightmares. A lot of thoughts ran through my mind as I drove away. If Samantha was alive, what would be of me today. Would we still be together? She forgave me, but Jaycey was still around; what would've happened?

The drive was about two hours long. It had been fours years since I last came to this place, and the feeling it gave me wasn't comforting. My hands became sweaty, my heart felt like it was stuck inbetween Big Foot's foot and the ground. I was scared, and anxious. Memories plagued my mind, maybe I should've visited years back; maybe the anxiety and pain would've been less.

I parked my car and got out. I remembered the last time I had been in this graveyard. The pain on Jaycey's face was unmistakable, up till today I still felt like shit for how I treated her that day; but there was no other way I could've fixed things. I slowly made my way to where Samantha was buried, arriving after a very long while.

SAMANTHA LUNA JOHNSON
Born: January 12 1995
Died:  November 16 2019

She walked among others with grace and love. She denied no one affection and she cherished everyone for all the days of her life. God has taken her, and she will be greatly missed for she was unconditionally loved.

Dirty tissues, trust issues
Glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you
Lonely pillows in a strangers bed
Little voices in my head

I read her gravestone, a bitterness lingering on my tongue due to the words written on it. My heart clenched, and a wave of painful memories hit me hard.

Secret keeping, stop the bleeding
Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating
All the songs that I can't listen to, to tell the truth

"Hie," I whispered, "I forgot to bring flowers, I'm sorry. I don't even know how to do this, I'm ashamed of myself for not coming any time soon and for all the hell I put you through."

I remembered her smile, her laugh, the way her ocean blue eyes twinkled. My heart clenched harder, my eyes welling up; the pain was starting to double and I didn't know if I could take it.

Loving you was young, and wild, and free
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound
A steady place to let down my defenses
But loving you had consequences

"Why did you go? Why did you leave me Sammie," my tears fell, "I can't take it, It's hard to accept the fact that you're gone. Death is such a coward but I am the bigger fool, I let you die, I killed you. I never even deserved you in the first place."

Hesitation, awkward conversation
Running on low expectation
Every siren that I was ignoring
I'm payin' for it

I sniffed, letting out a shaky breath, "The memories we had are all I'm left with, distant memories that haunt me every single night. I can't even touch you, I don't even remember how it felt like to be touched by you. All of it is fading and I don't want it to...I can't let you go yet."

Loving you was young, and wild, and free
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound
A steady place to let down my defenses
But loving you had consequences

"Loving you and being loved by you is everything that I ever needed, everything that I still need. I'm a total wreck and I need you, but," my chest heaved as I silently cried, "Most times when you come, you taunt me. I'm paying for everything that I did to you, I can't love, I don't ever want to love anyone else."

No, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Said, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Hey, no ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap
Loving you will still take shots at me
Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
And I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences

I wiped my tears off, "Loving you had consequences. I turned into something I cannot even describe, I hurt you and I lost you to death. To think I acted like a total fool when I almost lost you to Lucy, I didn't think there were stronger forces than her that would take you away from me."

Loving you

"Jaycey might be the one that got away, but you're the one that stayed. I don't want you to forgive me, you said you did but I don't deserve it, I never will."

I touched my heart, it's rapid beating making me think that I would fall down and die at the spot. Samantha never deserved to die, she loved me and suffered the consequences of loving Isabelle Anderson. My father was right, when you grow up you'll know that sometimes the world takes away everything that you live for. I had no one to blame for all that happened. I couldn't run away from it, it was always going to stick around with me. The pain, the guilt, the love and the memories; but the one person I needed was long gone and I would never see her again. That is the most painful thing about death, once it takes; it does not give back.

"I love you Samantha Luna Johnson," I whispered to myself, giving in to the emotions I was feeling. I had to accept it, I loved her but what I could never accept, was the fact that she was dead.