Found (a jamilton fanfiction) [COMPLETED]

Chapter Seventeen- The Secret

**WARNING**
This chapter mentions suicide and self-harm.

Thomas's P.O.V
"I-I love you."

Thomas couldn't breathe. He was physically unable to breathe. Was he hearing right..? He can't be. This must all be in his head.
He tried to find a sign on alexander's face that told him he was lying but couldn't.
He had been silent for too long before alex said "Thomas, damn it, please say something. Anything." He could see the man's lip start to quiver.
"Y-you.. I didn't know.. I didn't think.. I never thought you would love me back.." He turned his gaze away.
"Why in the world would you think that?"
"Because.. Because of how I used to be.. And because I'm me." He was finally able to breathe normally. "I was so afraid of making a mistake in college that I did stuff I shouldn't have done.. I hit you for God's sake.. I ended up making so many mis-"
He was cut off by a hand turning his head. He was now facing alex, who had a huge smile on his face.
"You never made a mistake. If you did you more than made it up." His eyes were gleaming with tears.
"Wait here.. I need to get something.." Thomas said before getting up and walking to his office. He paused and thought, realizing that he hadn't been in there in a few days.
He started rummaging through all the drawers and filing cabinets, trying to find a certain folder from his college days. During his search, he saw a little paper on his desk. He raised an eyebrow before grabbing it.
'Papa and Lexi
Sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G'
Thomas couldn't help but laugh. He put the paper in his pocket before finally finding the folder.
He walked out of the office only to bump into Alexander.
"I um.. You were taking a long time and I got worried.." He looked up at Thomas with an embarrassed smile.
"Oh. It just took a long time to find," Thomas's smile widened as he saw a look of relief flash over Alex's face. "Come on, lets go sit down."
He grabbed the shorter man's arm and led him to the couch. He sat down criss cross, facing Alex.
"So.. I have loved you a long time. You're the person who made it clear to me that I was bisexual. I was afraid to tell you because you and Eliza were in a serious relationship.."
Alexander was watching thomas intently as he spoke. He didn't even flinch at the mention of Eliza.
"Before our junior year at college.. I started writing these notes. I wrote them so I could eventually give them to you.. But I never did."
Thomas opened the folder. It was all the way full with pieces of paper with scribbled writing.
"I guess that I'm giving them to you now."
He handed the folder to alex.

Alex's P.O.V
Alex took the folder and placed it on his lap. He took out one of the pieces of paper and began to read it. It was dated March 24, 2007. He knew the day clearly.
It was the day that Thomas found his scars. Alex closed his eyes. Although Thomas didn't know it, he had saved him that day.

Alexander had woken up that morning with one thought on his mind. He didn't want to be alive anymore. He had planned out what exactly he was going to do the night prior.
He was going to wait until Thomas left to go out with his friends.
He got up and went to the kitchen. His eyes were puffy from crying the night before, but it was normal for him to look like that.
He was grabbing a piece of banana bread when Thomas walked into the room.
"Good morning," alex said, plastering a smile on his face.
"Mornin," Thomas rubbed his eyes and grabbed one of those little boxes of cereal.
"When are you planning to go out with your friends?"
Thomas shrugged. "Probably in a few minutes. Why?"
"I just wanted to know. I'll see you later then." He smiled wider before walking back to his room. He didn't realize that Thomas knew when he was upset, so when he heard the front door close, he didn't think anything of it.
He turned his computer on and started to eat his banana bread. He opened a new document and began writing.
He didn't process what he was writing, but he wrote anyways.
-Dear Eliza,
I love you so much.. I just.. I can't do it anymore. I can't focus anymore without these thoughts running through my head. I've had enough.
I can't deal with this anymore.
There are things that I haven't told you.. Secrets I haven't told you.
First of all.. Im bisexual.
You could probably tell, but.. I was too afraid to tell you..
I l-
He was cut off when Thomas knocked on the door.
"Alexander..? Can I come in for a second? I need to grab something."
He had shrugged. Him saying "sure, come in" changed his life that day.

"Alexander, what are those?"
"Oh, its nothing.."
"Alexander, this isn't nothing."
"I thought you were supposed to be out with friends."
"I ditched them to hang out at home with you. Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"Why would you care..? Im nothing to worry about."
"I care because you're my friend... These.. These don't need to be there. They are unwelcome, unneeded. You look way better without them as accessories.."
"I...I can't stop... I've tried but I just can't. I'm sorry if you feel that I am a burden.. That I'm just looking for attention.. But I'm not. And I'm sorry if you don't like me. I don't know why everyone else hates me, but maybe I do.."
"Alex... Please don't do this again.. I don't hate you and I never will. Please promise me this, that whenever your feeling like this, Come talk to me.. okay? Text me. Even if I'm out with friends, I'll leave them and come help you."
After Thomas had left the room, Alex looked at the screen.
"What was I thinking.. There are people who care.. I can't let him down.."
He moved the document to the trash and turned off his computer. He went to the bathroom and tossed the pills he had acquired from a 'friend' into the toilet. He flushed before walking to the living room.
There he saw Thomas and smiled softly. "Hey.. I want to say thank you. Thank you for staying." He gave Thomas a hug before walking back to his room and sitting on his bed.

Alex opened his eyes to a look of concern on Thomas's face.
"What..?" He asked.
"You looked like one of those chameleons but like, with your facial expressions. You went from sad to crying to smiling."
"Oh I was just remembering something.." He handed the taller man the letter in his hand. "The day you wrote this letter.. You saved me."
He could tell that Thomas was confused.
"What do you mean..? I don't even remember which day this was.." Thomas frowned.
"That was the day when you found out about... My self-harm.."
A look of recognition passed over the other mans face. "I remember now. How in the world did I save you..? All I did was talk to you."
"You talking to me saved me," He took a deep breath. "You see, when you walked in I was writing a.. Suicide note. I was going to kill myself that night while you were gone. If you hadn't come back and talked to me, I would have still felt like no one cared and done it anyways. You made me feel like someone cared about me.. I realized that I would be hurting everyone in my life.."
He felt arms wrap around him. He smiled before hugging Thomas back.
"I didn't know any of that was going on in your head at the time.. I'm sorry I didn't notice before then.."
"No one knew.. Its not your fault. I just didn't have the courage to tell anyone to get help."
"Now you have me.. I'll help you find a therapist that actually helps.. And I'll support you. I'll always support you."
Alex laid his head in the crook of Thomas's neck.
"Thank you.. Thank you for coming into my life.." He whispered.
He felt a hand on the back of his head. "I love you."
"I love you too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few hours later, Alexander sat on the couch. Thomas had went to the bathroom to take a shower and the kids were outside playing. He was holding Rae's gift in his hands and smiling. He didn't realize he had such an affect on her. He pulled out one of the slips of paper and read it.
Dad Joke #36:  Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe
Alexander started to laugh. He had to use this on his kids one day.
He put the slip of paper back in the jar before spotting the folder on the table. He grabbed the folder and opened it. He hoped that Thomas wouldn't mind him reading one of them since he showed them to him in the first place. He took out the closest one to the front and started to read it.
March 18th, 2020
Dear Alexander,

You'll get to read the full letter in the next chapter. (Also, any current events in the world aren't gonna be in the story, like COVID-19 And stuff.)
I hope y'all are enjoying the story.
And as always,
Stay safe.
I love you
-Angel 💙💙💙💙