The Hidden Life of Amanda Harp

I never knew how bad it can hurt to lose someone you never even had.

I'm sitting at a lake in LA, it's pouring, and I'm watching my reflection in the water. I'm watching the water messing up my face, and I'm watching as my tears drip into the lake like they belong there.

I'm crying because I'm stressed. I'm crying because I don't know what to do. I'm not the kind of girl that cries. I'm not the girl that goes to her Mom for her problems. Yes, there is a shit ton of family at my house, but I can't talk to them because something tells me that they all already know how Connor feels about me.

He wants to be with me. He wants to be with me as more of a friend.

Now that I think about it, it all makes sense. Ever since I hit sixteen, he's been acting differently about me. He does what I say, even if it's a suggestion. If I get irritated, he makes damn sure I feel better. He touches me a lot, even innocent little touches.

I never once thought that maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want me as a friend.

Until today.

I love Connor and...our relationship is rather complicated.

I think there is a little bit more directed towards him from me, but I don't think it's enough to act on it.

I hear footsteps on the boardwalk, and then someone sits down next to me and holds an umbrella over my head.

"If you keep sitting in the rain, you'll get pneumonia."

I look up because it's a voice I don't recognize and I'm shocked to see Chloe Grace Mortez sitting next to me.

"I honestly don't care." I sniffle.

"Wanna talk about it?" she asks.

I do. Normally I would go to Abby. Or Jared. Or Mike. Or Colter. Or Connor.

But now I can't go to any of them.

"You can't tell. The media will-"

"I understand." She says.

"Connor kissed me."

Silence.

"And we were fighting..." I continue to explain every last detail and how it's six at night and I've been sitting here all day. "I mean...the fucking paparazzi got bored and left."

"Well I had my boyfriend..." she takes a deep breath. "He was my only friend. My guy best friend. I didn't think it should be anything else, and one day we kissed. I ran off and was gone for four and a half months." She sighs. "In that time, my mind...it just kept replaying every single moment. Every little thing. The soft smiles that never registered. The innocent touches that just seemed normal. The crazy games. The wild shit we did." She takes a deep breath. "But in that time...we found someone else, and when I was ready, he was gone. He moved to Canada. I haven't seen him since." She sniffles and I look at her. She's crying. "I lost somebody that wasn't even mine."

"But if you loved him, why didn't you go after him?" I ask.

"I didn't love him. There was just this little inkling of feelings that I kept bottled up. I thought they were so small that they wouldn't matter, but I was wrong. They grow with distance."

"Right now I feel nothing."

"Not yet." She pats my shoulder and stands up.

CONNOR'S POV

I'm pacing the living room in front of everyone. Around four thirty we all got worried and searched everywhere and didn't find Amanda.

What if she never comes back?

I never knew until this moment how bad it can hurt to lose someone you never even had.

AMANDA'S POV

I got a hotel and used the hotel phone with start sixty seven. I called Mom and told her not to expect me home for a while. I didn't tell her how long and where I went.

I just can't bring myself to go home. I can't bring myself to face it.

I can't bring myself to face that fact that Connor wants me...as more than a friend.

How was I supposed to know how he feels about me? Was I wrong when I said he was my best friend like my brother? What if he's really my best friend...like my lover?

God, it feels like there's a mountain between us.