Around and around we go

Chapter 6

"I saw him last night, or this morning...whatever."

This made Jared stop suddenly and I once again find myself bumping into him almost taking us both for a tumble down the stairs.   

"Ow! SHIT, Warn a girl..." But the furious look on his face shuts me up. 

"WHAT do you mean...? I'll fucking kill him... Are you ok? What happened?" He's grabbed hold of my shoulders and is searching my face with a scary mix of concern and thunder. 

"I'm ok, I think..I don't think he recognized me, more like I don't think he was capable of recognizing me. I see he's still up to his eyeballs in leggy blondes. Is it me, or do they keep getting younger?" 

"You are NOT ok. THIS is not ok. I will take care of it."

Grabbing my hand, he starts dragging me down the stairs. 
"No really, it's fine. I'll just try again to move rooms... my suite is too much anyways... JARED SLOW DOWN PLEASE. My legs are not as long as yours, in case you forgot!!"

He slows down so I can keep up and not die before breakfast. 
"Move rooms? Oh god...We're all on the same fucking floor? I am SO SORRY."

"Jared, seriously, you NEED to stop apologizing for your brother." 

"Someone has to. How long are you here for? we're here for the week..."

The sleepy lion from earlier is gone, and I can see the wheels turning in his mind.
"I'm here for another two nights... it's fine. I have a lot of work to do while I'm here, there really shouldn't be any reason for me to run into you again." I immediately regret saying this as soon as it came out of my mouth. He looked absolutely crushed. "I mean...I'm sure your schedule is pretty busy while you're here... " Shit... Fucked that one up, but I really need to cut this off now. It's just going to end badly. Again. 

"No no.. it's fine... I just thought that maybe I'd get to spend some time with you now that you're back." 

"Jared... I'm NOT 'Back'. This was just a freak coincedence... I'm leaving in three days... let's not make this any harder than it already is. Jared?"  I can see that he's not listening to what i'm trying to tell him.  I stop walking, forcing him to come out of whatever train of thought he got lost in. 
 "Jared, STOP. Listen to me. I love YOU. You know this; but I cannot be a part of your life... of that life. It's not good for me. I'm ok now" 

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself? I know you're not 'ok'. Your eyes are betraying you. that much hasn't changed." 

Eugh. I hate that he can still read me so well.

"Please don't use that tone... and dont do THAT. You know how much I hate it." I plead with him while I take a sudden interest in my shoelaces so that he can't peer into my soul with those all-seeing blue pools of his. He's reaching out for my hand again, and his tone has become very gentle and understanding "I know, I can't help it. You're my person. You always will be, no matter where you are. And now you're here with me, where you belong. Stop being a stubborn ass and let me take care of this so we can go back to normal." Yeah right, like we were ever 'Normal'. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I haven't a clue so I just give his hand a little squeeze and continue staring at my shoelaces. "I know this is a lot to take in, let's get going, Shayla is probably having an annurism since I left my phone in my room."

My head snaps up at this revelation. "Shayla? where's Ems?"

"Emma is working on other projects back home. Shayla is great. You'd really like her." 

"I'm sure I would. She better be taking good care of you." 

"She does alright... Hey, don't try distracting me by changing the subject here. We are NOT finished...now, how do we get out of here?" He's looking around like the walls are starting to close in on him; he's never been good with closed in spaces. 
"Oh.. umm" I look around the landing we're on to see that we've gone 4 floors too far. "Sorry, we went too far! we need to go back up to the 40th floor, come on..." 
We walk back up in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts about this very surreal morning. How did this happen? I've worked so hard to keep my distance and cut all ties. I did secretly stay in touch with Emma for a bit. She and I were very close and I knew I could trust her to not say anything to Jared. 

 I did breakdown and sent a huge congratulatory gift basket of all of his favorite things when he won ALL of the awards for playing Rayon... God I wish I could have met her... I was SO incredibly proud of him, and because he wore that fucking crimson bowtie to the Oscars. Fuck you Jared for doing that to me. I bought that for him when he got his first movie role, joking that he will need a pop of color for the red carpet... and that was his way of having me there with him on the most important night of his acting career. My heart swelled and broke into a million pieces the moment he stepped out of that SUV and onto the red carpet. I sat on the hotel room floor in front of the television bawling my eyes out, reaching up to the screen like I could touch him, like maybe he could feel me somehow. I was on the other side of the world from the person who never once gave up on me, when I should have been there with him.

Up until that point I hadn't REALLY regretted leaving, sure I'd had other moments over the years where the doubt crept in, but I mostly managed to stay strong and keep away. When Artifact was being shown at TIFF, Emma had  snuck me into the back and I watched what unfolded in their lives after I had left. What Jared says was stress from the lawsuit showing on his face and in his eyes, I know was really the pain I had caused him by leaving. It tore me apart seeing him look like that. I left before he came up onstage to speak in case he recognized me in the crowd. I also had the shock of my life when This Is War came out and I discovered that he had recorded 100 Suns. I almost went running straight back to him as soon as I heard it. They were mostly MY words.

 'I believe in nothing, but the beating of our hearts' has been tattooed across my ribcage for longer than I care to remember. 

And he turned it into a bloody song. Calling out for me. Screaming at me to return.

I was used to being an inspiration behind his work, we've been inspiring each others work since we first met. But I was absolutely floored that first time I heard 100Suns. I was so touched by this immense gesture that I drove over to his house the moment I got back to LA.  I just sat outside in my car until the sun went down and I was all out of tears. His neighbors probably told him some crazy fan was stalking him. I haven't been back to that house in the Hollywood Hills since then. 

and now, the Universe has brought us back together, for what? I haven't a fucking clue... To torture me further? The worst thing is that it already felt perfect, like home, where I belonged. I didn't want it to feel this good. I needed it to hurt and be awful. But it didn't. It was better than I remembered. I feel safe with him. I feel truly needed and loved by him. 

As we reached the door to the 40th floor and I pull out my key card to unlock the door I know that I need to make a decision before we step through into the hallway.

"Jared...I think we need to " He stops me by placing his hands on either side of my face and bending down to my levell so we're eye-to-eye and says "It's going to be ok. I will fix this once and for all. I'm not losing you again."

We walk into the sunlit hallway, hand in hand, together again.