Bad Girl's Good Boy

30. the feelings

CHAPTER THIRTY | She Feels

"WAKE UP, YOU méchante chienne," Cora's voice boomed in her still asleep ears as the door to her room was roughly pushed back. Her kinky curls at the top were pulled into a partial, ballerina updo with the rest of the curls tied in a low pony tail at the bottom. She looked gorgeous.

"I brought your favorite black bean and lentil chilli," Cora entered the frame with a dish of my least favorite meal, her lips pulled into a teasing smirk. Lifting my head from the pillow, I propped up on my elbows and tried to take a peek outside the room. Keeping the sneer on my face, I rested my back against the bed post and grabbed the hot bowl from Cora.

"If you're wondering, as you should wonder, Sebastion didn't leave for his house. He's still here teaching Debby how to listen to the trees singing."

Cora seated herself on my bed, in front of me. "Why did you hurt him, SJ?" She asked softly. "He didn't hurt us nor did he betray any of us but you still hurt him."

"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered, stirring the spoon around in the bowl. I really did lose it last night and lashed out on Sebastion. Crossing my fingers over my wrist, I remembered how he had followed me despite the warning. He could have stayed inside, safe and warm but he chose to run after me. Who does that?

At least now, he won't ever pity you.

No. No. He is better then that. His stupid brain chose to pledge loyalty to us when we tried to torture him. I saw the gloom in Holly's eyes turning over a new leaf when he was with her. He earned a soft spot in Cora's otherwise cold heart.

When others would actually avoid talking about John, he presented himself to be Holly's whisperer. Each and every thing that he did was a proof of his thriving, prospering loyalty to us. Why was he like this? Why was the son of a bitch so damn...pure?

The soft crease in his jaw, becoming a slight dimple, and those gentle eyes closing when he'd laugh, wasn't it enough to prove his loyalty? His every action contributed to helping us out and when he was in danger, he knew he could call upon us. Why did he call us?

No. Wrong. Wrong.

He fears me now. I've scared him into going back to his little shell but earning fear out of people is better then fishing out pity from people's mouths. Fear doesn't hurt in the long run. Pity makes you feel like you're at the mercy of their decisions, as if you're awaiting their self proclaimed trial. Pity renders you with the strength you were hiding. It destroys the little seed of self worth. I hated pity because deep down, I knew that I deserved pity. When you go through a lot, you only get pity. Not encouragement, just plain old 'sorries'.

Now Sebastion would never pity me. He'd fear me. He'd learn to go silent in my presence.

I put her head in her palm, eyes lowered at Cora's turquoise ring. He was innocent. Cora was right. The blood that I allowed to fall was an innocent's blood. Those deep gashes that I left on his wrists would never counter his sins because he had no sins. He didn't deserve it. His heart was pure.