Styles, Harry Styles. (#Wattys2015)

'Last Day'

The next morning, my mum came to wake me up, because apparently I slept through my alarm. I told her I didn't want to go to school because I felt sick. She believed me, but it wasn't the truth. School made me feel sick and after what happened with my dad last night, I know that I will probably either come back home crying or I'll be dead half-way through the day because I wouldn't be able to take it. That was not the problem or the real issue though. I've been suicidal for a long time and I have attempted before. I was planning on doing so again, because I'm just tired of it all. Tired of everything.

My mum has a meeting out of town and she won't be home for the next two days, which leaves me home alone. I'm glad about that. But, I'm still scared that my dad will be back. I don't trust men anymore and he's the reason.

"Bye, I'm running late okay! Love you." My mum shouted as I walked to my bathroom to brush my teeth. I was really hungry and I only got up to get some breakfast.

"Bye." I shouted back and she left immediately.

After breakfast, I thought, hmm what would I like to do on my last day? I have done a lot of things before on the day which I considered "my last day", which were all the times I've attempted. 

 I remember when I took a bunch of pills and I just ended up making myself sick. It hurt so badly and my body kept trying to vomit out the pills. I also remember cutting so much that I wish it'd all stop and I'd run out of blood, but nothing really happened. Overdosing didn't work and a lot of times I asked myself why all my attempts never succeeded. 

One of the boys in my class once came over and saw me about to hang myself, and then he screamed and ran away. He came over only to do an assignment, but we ended up failing it because I never showed up at school for a week after the incident.

After that, he was never in my group again. Besides, not like we ever even talked before that, unless it was for school purposes.

I always had a fear that he would spread the word, but he never said a thing; ever. Every time I looked at him, he would give me a shy smile and that's it. It made my day and I had a massive crush on him, even if I shouldn't because he was the 'popular' type of guy and almost every girl in the school was aiming for him.

I remember that one time I trashed my room and broke a bunch of glasses and plates. I collapsed afterwards and after waking up, I felt weak.

Today, I came up with another idea, because really that's all I could come up with. I've been thinking about it for weeks and it scares me. I never build up the courage to go for it, because I have always been scared of heights.

I plan on jumping from the bridge. There's a bridge which has the highway under and another one with water, or I still have the choice of getting on top of the building. The roof of my house just doesn't work. When that happened, I broke my knee and it was terrible. My excuse was that I was trying to get my kite, and everyone actually believed me. I guess that's only because I hide all my pain behind a smile, which seems to fool a bunch of people.

Jumping is hard though, falling is easy, but jumping... jumping is hard. What if I don't succeed and then I will have to find an explanation for my mother and when I get back to school.

For now, all I want to do is forget about that and just live life for the moment and do fun and random things. But the thing is, I'm a boring person and I don't know what I really want to try.

So, I just decide to waste my day by going for a walk in the park. During lunch time, I walk in the sunny weather with my black hoodie and purple jeans with my converse. I just walk slowly and start thinking about things. I sit at one of the benches. The park is so empty and it's just so depressing, which fits perfectly with my emotions at the moment.

After a few minutes, I feel a hand on my shoulder and I almost jump, since I was lost in my thoughts and too distracted to notice. When I turned around, the same boy that was there the day I was attempting was standing behind me. He had a smile on his face.

"W-w-hat...are you...erm...d-o-o-ooing here?" I say, stuttering and in shock.

"I was going home for lunch and I always pass by the park and I guess you just happen to be here...Anyway, how come you're not at school?"

Maybe because I don't want to spend my 'last day' in hell. I just want to make the most out of it, but as you can see, right now there's not much happening and I'm not living it the way I should.

"Oh, you know..."

He walked over and sat next to me, then kept staring at me as if he was waiting for a valid answer.

"I didn't feel well this morning."

There was a long awkward silence before any of us said anything. I heard his ringtone and then I sigh. He checked the time and ignored the call. He got up then said, "Feel better, I hope to see you at school tomorrow. There's a talent show so you don't have to worry about being stuck in class because the whole school is going to be in the atrium watching it."

"That's lovely, more people. Oh how sweet." I said, sarcastically.

"Have a great day, bye."

"Bye." I said and managed a give him a smile.

It was not a fake one. I felt good. It made me smile. The fact that he said "I hope to see you tomorrow." I just got this 0.1% of hope that maybe somebody cares?

No, no. I'm not supposed to trust men. This must be just me hallucinating or something. The person I've been crushing on for so long did not just say that to me. I'm just an anti-social freak at school, who nobody really notices. What am I even thinking? I'm so stupid.

I get up and take a walk, but this time I step out of the park and decide to go somewhere else. Far away from my school or my house. My mum isn't gonna be home anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I decide to go to the mall. It should be empty, besides it's a work day and a school day, so double-win for me. I'm not a person who likes shopping much, but I think that maybe it'll do me a little good to get my mum a present. Her birthday is coming up anyway.

At the mall, I walk for at least 45 minutes. I didn't realize that it's already five p.m, when I finally find the perfect gift for her. The whole time being at the mall, not one person has noticed that I even entered the store. I didn't really mind, besides I was used to it. But it really hit me when the cashier tried to make a conversation with me. I felt like I wasn't allowing her to. I always felt like I push people away.

"I'm sorry." I manage to say in the end.

She just smiles and says "for what?" but I don't reply, so instead she hands me my bag and changes the conversation. "Enjoy your day, see you next time."

The two nice comments which I got today were enough to make me change my mind and give it one more day. Maybe the actual influence on me was all the bad people at school or the things that was happening at home. Maybe, just maybe I needed a break from it all to get a taste of the 'real world'.

I decided to sneak into a club, even if I am under aged. It wasn't hard like I expected it to be. I wore my dress which I bought for homecoming but never wore because I never went. It was a good thing that it was a long dress. It's weird because people usually wear short dresses to go to clubs, etc...but I just couldn't and I had to wear a sweater on top obviously.

Nobody knew me there and I liked that, because I was hoping that I wouldn't get bullied. I had a lot of shots, fooled around, danced and then decided to walk home instead of taking the bus.

The whole walk home I felt like I was being followed, but every time I checked, there was nobody there. When I got home, I felt like I was about to pass out right at the front door.