You are in love // Calum Hood

Chapter 24 // Words

And you understand now why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words

Maybe I haven't spent my whole life trying to tell you how I feel. But you get a good understanding of it.

You know that I'd do whatever the hell it takes to bring him back.

You know I would have done anything to change what happened that night.

You know I would take every thought and pain away from him.

What you don't know is what he dealt with. Well, it's a good thing. That will not be spread around by someone reading this.

My love will forever be in my heart.

Goodbye, Calum. Goodbye to whoever reads this.

I shut the notebook, tears in my eyes. That's it. I've gone through everything that needs to be written. I was glad I didn't write what happened to Calum. It was too personal. And a lot of people would probably read the notebook. I didn't want Calum's secret (can it be called a secret if 5 or more people know?) to be known by even more people.

As I get off my bed and go into the bathroom, that specific memory flashes in front of my eyes.

Calum's mum calling at 2 in the morning. Me frantically driving to the house, sobbing. Me running into Calum's room. Me seeing him laying on the floor, blood and pills everywhere. There was a note in my hand. It read:

'Dear, Charlotte, or whoever reads this, I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being stronger. I'm sorry for being weak. I don't know why I've done this. I guess I've just had enough of this. Charlotte, I'm so so so so so so so so sorry. You don't deserve this. You must think you're worthless. Think the opposite. You kept me around longer. Much longer. Look in my other hand. I would have given it to you myself, but I'm not really around. Flip the paper around after.'

In his other hand was a diamond ring.

The other side of the paper read:

'Well, I would have proposed to you, Char, but sadly I'm quite dead. Sorry. That was meant to be funny. But I guess I can't joke when it's a suicide note. I love you more than you could ever know. Babydoll, keep your chin up. You deserve it.'

I remember thinking that it was my fault he was dead. I didn't try to help or ask if he was okay. It was obvious he was hurting. I've beaten myself up ever since.

I'm taken out of my thoughts as my hip hits the bathroom sink. I didn't realize until now that tears were pouring down my cheeks. I grab a bottle of painkillers and dump the contents into my palm.

I swallow one of the pills one by one.

I miss Calu