I'm still hurting - Sally Face (agere)

-1-

updated 9/27/24

I let my skateboard roll from underneath my feet in front of me, in one swift movement both of my feet land on the pavement. I bend over to grab the heavily used board, taking a second to admire the stickers, the colorfulness hidden underneath the black beat-up board. I grab it and throw it towards the 'shed', a small rundown building full of gardening tools and pot plants that are sold to make the home more money.

I run to the side, following the rolling piece. I look up at the 3 story building and sigh as I throw my feet, up onto the first brick. Coming home after curfew is not easy, the doors lock at 7, which means at 9 when I am off from work, I have to come home and do a fucking workout just to lay in bed.

One hand after another I slowly make it to my window, hastily throwing myself through it and landing on the floor. My hand quickly reaches for my head, and in a circular motion, I comfort my pain and stupidity.

"That was one hell of an entrance". My head quickly turns towards my bed where Alexi is lying. It doesn't matter how many times I day I come home and see him, each and every time my heart sinks.

There was a time when I believed Alexi loved me, that feels like a million years ago now. Now all that care and relatability I felt when I looked at him has been replaced with fear. I promised myself I would never let a man make me feel like that, I guess I am exactly like my mother.

As I slowly stalk towards the bed, I allow myself to disassociate.

-

I am jolted awake by the sound of Ms.Kate yelling loudly. I roll over to check the clock on my nightstand, 9 am. I slowly step out of bed, the floor feeling cold on my unclothed feet, I walk to my closet to grab my clothes for the day, I grab red distressed maroon shorts, a Sanity's Fall shirt that is cut about an inch before it meets my low rise shorts, and some black long socks. I sleepily walk my clothes and myself to the 3rd-floor restroom, knocking before entering. I look in the mirror to check my appearance. I see the hickeys and bruises lining my clavicle and jawline. They tell a story to me, one that starts with love and lust, and then something happens, hate, jealousy, anger. It feels numb to me, physically and emotionally, the subsides after, I just feel disgusted with myself.

Ms. Kate yells again, understanding that I probably need to head downstairs, I try to finish up quickly, covering up my bruises and putting on some eyeliner. I run out of the bathroom and grab my white hightops from the start of the stairs. Its a slow trip down, with kids running in all directions and limited space. It's always like this considering its a group home, housing for the unloved and emotionally ill adolescents of Northern Minnesota, or Katherine Mays home for the children under god, whichever you prefer.

As I approach the bottom I am spoken to.

"Pack your bags kiddo, you are going to Nockfell" Ms. Kate proclaims

I leave her a blank expression but mentally I'm smiling from ear to ear. I don't care about shitty foster parents anymore, I just need to get away from Alexi, and this home. I hated this place more than can be imagined, I feel a massive stress taken off my shoulders. This is the happiest I have ever been to be placed in a foster home in a shitty small town.

-

After being rejected when asking questions about my placement I begin packing my things It doesn't take me very long, when you move around so much you keep less to make it easier. I zip up my pink and black backpack, grab the last of my things, and walk towards the door slinging my guitar over my shoulder.

I look at the bed, one last time, and a single wet drop streams down my face. I coldly wipe it and walk away from this part of my life. I will never be this girl again.

I practically run to the car and buckle in. This is going to be a long ride.
-

4 hours down and just 3 minutes left to go. Ms Kate finally decided to tell me why I got a new placement all of a sudden. She found out. She got mine and my parents expunged records. She knows how I was brought up, is this guilt coming from one of the most heinous people I have ever met? I don't care actually, her feelings mean nothing to me.

we pull into a lot.

A slightly rundown apartment building, I didn't think this was going to be my saving grace.

Addison Apartments, it read.

"This is going to be fun," I said to myself in a sarcastic tone.

This is my new start