Her Chronicle

5

Dear Chronicle,
                      Today was our birthday or more like Jesse's birthday since those who are coming  for the party are his friends. I tried to look my very best, I tried not to be an embarrassment to him. When mum called us to cut the cake I felt very uncomfortable since all eyes were on me. I stood beside Jesse but I felt like a stranger who was unwanted here, when his hands held mine to cut the cake I tensed up because its been long since he held my hand. It felt good, for a moment I felt whole.

After cutting the cake I saw no use at staying for a party that isn't really mine, I went to the balcony at my room and climbed the roof. I lay back watching the night sky, it was so beautiful then that's when the moon caught my attention and the memories came flooding.
    I remembered Jesse and I's tenth birthday. It was just a small party comprising dad,mum,Jesse and I. It was the best. We baked our own cake as a family with mum and I against Jesse and dad  throwing flour and stuffs about. It didn't stop there and the was the piñata that I mistakenly took Jesse for and started hitting. I remember his sore expression, he chased me til my little feet were tired and had his revenge by tickling me. He knew my weak spot, I laughed endlessly til I started carrying.

Those were good times. I kept reminiscing on the past till I felt tears tricked down my cheeks.

I still get sad about everything that happened. Every now and then it hits me and I hate it cause I don't want to get these flashbacks that will take me days to forget.

I usually get sad, hurt ,angry,mad and disappointed but mostly I'm exhausted from trying to be strong.

How long can I keep pretending everything is fine?

Love,
RAE.