Her Chronicle

6

Dear Chronicle,
                       My system decided to give up on me, to tell me it needs rest. I  spent the night asleep on the roof that I lost track of when it started raining. I guess this is what numbness does to people.

So I'm sick, mum didn't allow me to go to school. She told me I needed to recover. Why? What's the point when I could just end all my misery and pain? I wanted to put up a fight with her but her eyes held so much emotions...fear, sadness, hope, pain, loneliness, regret.

So I did the only thing I could do, sleep. I dreamt of an angel, a broken angel, one that had fallen from heaven, her dress was tattered so I got closer, her head was bowed, she was trapped, chained more like it, she looked like she'd given up trying. I reached out to her and her head snapped high, her eyes were red, could see years of non ending tears shed, no one to hear. She was a broken soul.

"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm you" she replied.

I looked closer, it was me."what happened to me?"
"You've endured, you've stayed strong, you've battled with your demons for too long but its time to come home, you and I can't do this forever." Sadness and plea were laced in her eyes, I could hear her cries, her plea, they started as tiny voices but grew to torment me....

" I can't, I'm doing this for my family. I'm staying strong for them."
"Don't lie to yourself. Whats there to fight for?"
"My family? I kept yelling till I woke up form this bad dream. I was covered in sweat.

Mum was right beside me, worry written all over her face." Are you okay?"

No, I'm not. I'm tired emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
I'm broken beyond repair. I'm full of emotions, I have anxiety, depression, fear.
I'm drowning yet not fully submerged.
Sometimes I want to scream, cry, let out everything.
Sometimes I feel numb, dead.
I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of this war I have with myself constantly, wondering why I still live. My screams are louder each day, saying just let go. I'm tired, I really am.

I wanted to say all this to her but how can I tell the woman who gave life to me that I don't want it anymore, so I do what I'm good at, I lie, I lie to her because I don't want her to know how much it hurts  "I'm okay"

She accepted my answer, spent sometime with me before leaving and I realised why I'm still fighting, I'm doing this for her and Jesse and maybe myself...how long do I have before I give up, cause as time passes I can't do this anymore.

Love,
RAE.