Her Chronicle

8

Dear Chronicle,
                        Today wasn't any different from other days in school, the usual torture, abusive and insulting words.

I heard someone whisper into a friend on why I never retaliate, wouldn't come back with a great comeback. I turned to her and said," I'm used to it" then walked away.
The only new thing was the beautiful writings people decided to decorate my table with. "Why don't you cross the bar? No one likes you,  you're so depressed, you don't deserve to live, you're a mistake, I feel sorry for you,not. When will you end it"

I sighed. I've felt so much, that I feel nothing sometimes. These days all that I feel are depression and anxiety.

Anxiety is that feeling that never goes away and you can't describe it. You unintentionally become sad, you feel alone even when you're not and sometimes you don't even know what's wrong with you. Its like suffocating but you're still breathing. Its like being in a cage that's unlocked, I can get out but I've trapped myself.

And depression is a war, you either win or you die trying. Its also living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that dies. The thing about depression is that its impossible to ever see the end. Sometimes it's screaming, crying and smashing things. Sometimes its numbness and quiet and wondering "oh God, why I'm I not dead?" And sometimes its getting up anyways and staying alive, even if you don't want to.

Having both is like being scared and tired at the same time. Its just lie hell. Its wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. Its caring about nothing at once but feeling paralyzingly numb.

Love,
RAE