Her Chronicle

13

Dear Chronicle,
                       So today I've decided to dedicate this page to Jesse. I feel like I owe everything to him. I know that one day this book will be in his hands, so why not say how I really feel with a hope of getting this overburdened weight of my shoulders...so here I go.

Dear Jesse,
                I  hope reading this will tell you how sorry I am for everything. I didn't wish to make life so hard for you and everyday as I look at you I feel guilt grow up in me, I have non ending nightmares. No matter how much I pray to God, I still feel restless.
               Its gotten to a point in my life where I don't see the necessity of living. I  don't sleep much, I think a lot. I feel lonely and scared, I can't let anyone in, knowing the possibility of getting hurt, getting rejected. I'm tired, in fact I'm depressed. I tell mum lies everyday that I'm okay but deep down I'm dying.
I look into the mirror and hate the person I've become today but who can I blame, its all my fault.
              Sometimes I just want to call out to you, I want to talk about it, I want to scream, I want to yell, and shout out how I feel. Its depressing and sad right. But that's how I feel. I cut, I battle with my demons but sometimes I don't fight, I cry myself to sleep and when I'm gone. Its a place where all my anxieties, the stress and problems are non existent. 
           So Jesse, I'm sorry, I'm sorry my all wasn't good enough, I'm sorry I'm an embarrassment, I'm sorry I constantly disgrace you with the little things I do and try not to do, I'm sorry I don't fit into that perfect life you've planned, I'm sorry for the pain and hurt I've caused you...and I hope you'd one day find it in your heart to forgive me.

You know what, I've always been afraid of losing people I love and sometimes I wonder if you're afraid to lose me...

Love,
RAE