Turn Me Back!

Episode 11 - Sliding into Chaos

If there was ever a phrase calculated to bring about instant panic among gathered people, stay calm and you won't be hurt is surely it. The owner of the voice has apparently never spent time in the company of the princess's ladies or he would have had more sense. Even after weeks of prior exposure, the piercing chorus of ensuing shrieks makes me wince.

The princess throws herself into her new husband's arms and they clutch each other desperately as chaos takes hold in the tiny chapel. People leap out of their seats and mill around, some attempting to do as the voice commanded and move towards the walls, being hampered by other people who are just as determined to go in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, a trickle of rough-looking fighters streams into the chapel through the rocky entrance. They fan out brandishing clubs and knives, attempting to herd the assembled wedding guests towards the sides of the room. The assembled wedding guests refuse to be efficiently herded. Panic and mayhem reign supreme.

I grab a knife and look to Kayla for instructions. She's signalling frantically to a group of unusually burly guests seated in the front row. They leap up and arrange themselves into a living barrier in front of the royal couple, throwing off cloaks to reveal armour and weapons. I should have known she'd have bodyguards in place. With that done, she darts over to where I'm standing. "Give me your dress," she snaps. Without stopping to question the command, I wriggle out of the awful thing and shove it at her. I'm left wearing only a shift, but it doesn't matter because my knife pockets are sewn into it.

"Trapdoor behind the altar, get them out," Kayla commands. She bundles the tiny dress over her own head. It doesn't go past her shoulders and ends up as a weird kind of cape. Ducking, she runs back to where the prince and princess are clinging to each other and yanks them down to the ground, giving them a shove in my direction. Then she stands up and tugs one of the guardsmen into an embrace in the spot where the royals had been standing. With the chaos in the chapel, anyone who glimpses the white material she's wearing must assume the princess is still there. Smart.

Okay, time for me to do my part. The prince and princess are crawling frantically towards me. I usher them towards the back of the chapel and leave them crouched behind the altar stone while I search desperately for anything resembling a trapdoor.

There! I spot a cleverly disguised ring hidden in a carved flower on the floor. Grasping the ring, I hiss at the prince: "Help me with this!"

But I didn't need his help at all. I'd assumed the trap door was made of stone, but it turns out to be a square of wood covered with a thin layer of imitation marble and flies open immediately. Below it is a short drop and the beginnings of what is unmistakably a slide. A slide! "Oh, this is going to be fun," I chuckle to myself. Then I push the prince into the hole and watch him glide sideways out of view.

"What have you done?" shrieks the princess. "Theodore!" she crouches, peering into the hole. I push her in as well. Then I pull the trap door down so I can close it as I jump in myself.

The slide is made of varnished wood and runs through a rounded tunnel that's been panelled with some sort of shiny material that I can't identify. Cleverly placed ventilation shafts cast regular patches of dim light, illuminating the tunnel and the fraying edges of the cobwebs that Prince Theodore must now be wearing. There are a few twists and turns in the slide's course, but not enough to slow my progress and I get up quite some speed. Within a few moments it becomes clear that we're sliding through the entire mountain and it's an incredibly exhilarating ride. If it weren't for the circumstances, I'd say it was quite worth the trek uphill.

Occasionally the course of the slide straightens enough for me to catch sight of the other two sliding ahead of me. And if I hadn't been able to see them, I would definitely have heard them. I don't think they've been on many slides before.