Turn Me Back!

Episode 4 - The Advantages of Inappropriacy

My eyes fill with ash until I can't see a thing. Luckily, the choking fit that follows causes them to water prodigiously and clear themselves. My nose is 'watering' too and since I can't move my arms to wipe my face, I have to stand there covered in tears and mucus. Damn fine piece of dragon bait right here!

When I've coughed enough to satisfy my irate lungs, I open my eyes and do a double take when I see an enormous sprawling dragon immediately in front of me. Actually, when I say 'double take', what happens is that every instinct in my body tells me to throw myself backwards, away from the humongous, shimmering beast in front of me. But since there's currently a dead tree behind me, all I achieve is a bruise on the back of my head.

The beast ignores me at first, focusing on recovering its poise after its landing. It shakes dust off each limb then gathers them tidily under its body. After a quick flap, its wings fold themselves away on its back. Now that it's stationary, the dragon doesn't seem as big as I thought, yet is somehow still more impressive than I'd supposed it would be. Its scales glimmer in gorgeous swirls of green, grey and lilac. The wings look like they could power a fleet of ships. There's enough heat emanating off it to warm a small country and its front legs end in agile claws that it uses to brush excess dust off its body.

Having achieved its desired grooming, the dragon turns its ridged head and begins inspecting me with golden, whorl-like eyes. It stares intently and there's a strange expression on its face. I was worried that it would be salivating or something like that, but instead, it looks... Well, if I had to define the expression, I'd say it looks displeased.

A wave of resentment flows over me. "What's wrong? Not cute enough for ya?!" I yell hoarsely. Then immediately regret it. Dumb, Willa! Why antagonise the walking flamethrower?

The dragon's look of displeasure increases and it makes a rumbling noise, almost as if saying, "Hmmmm."

What the hell is Fell doing? He said he'd be a few metres away, ready to blast the dragon when it arrived. I've bloody well done my part. Hurry up with the blasting!

The dragon opens its mouth and it's as if someone's opened an oven door. A wave of heat rushes over me. In a voice that sounds like a mixture of a growl and a creak, the dragon speaks. "You are not a princess, are you?"

I stare at it for a few seconds, marvelling over the fact that it can talk. I wasn't expecting that. I mean, I suppose it makes sense with such a large and obviously intelligent creature, and I've heard that dragons can even do magic as well, but still, it's kind of a shock to hear actual words come out of the mouth of a reptile.

The dragon makes a harsh noise that sounds like it's clearing its throat. "I said, you aren't a princess. True or false?"

"False!" I gabble. "I mean it's true that I'm not a princess. I'm a false princess!" The dragon's expression changes from displeasure to disgust. "Is that... a problem?" I ask.

It huffs a little and another wave of scorching wind rushes past me. "A princess would have been a more fitting offering. And I would have expected you to be properly attired and coiffured."

"Coiffured?" I splutter. I'll accept that my hair-do isn't particularly good. My curls must have shrivelled to frizz in all this baking heat. But... "What's wrong with my dress?"

The dragon shakes its head. "It seems no-one recalls the old ways. In my mother's day, no-one would have dreamed of offering a sacrifice without first being assured of her royal heritage and endeavouring to clothe her entirely in white satin."

"Because that's a sensible choice for an ash-covered landscape," I mutter.

The dragon looks sharply at me. "Also," it continues, "the bonds should have been knotted with double-cleft sheet bends. Those look to be simple bowlines. This is all highly irregular." It sighs again. "Nevertheless, I shall endeavour to do my part." With a long-suffering shake of its head, it rears onto its hind legs, stretching to its full, impressively giant height and opens its mouth, unleashing another blast of warm air.