The Incubus & the Virgin

14. Killing me

 It was a small Italian place, family owned and never too crowded. I arrived before Adrian and ordered our usual; only the greasiest cheesiest slices of pizza you could ever consume without having an immediate heart attack. I picked a window seat and waited, watching the infamous Chicago traffic from those trying to flee the city after their nine to five job and heading back to the suburbs. Sipping on the drink I bought to go with the food, it felt like I haven’t eaten for days but I was scared that if I ate now, surely I’d throw it up while trying to convince Adrian of this idiocy. My life was a train wreck.

The bell over the door in the little Italian joint jingled, making everyone aware of the new customer. I didn’t dare lift my head to check if it was Adrian. Instead my eyes focused on the ice bobbing up and down in my glass cup. My left hand was hidden underneath the table. Maybe he’d send me to an insane asylum. Hopefully they have straightjackets in colors other than white, I could only imagine how pasty I’d look in it.

“Hey, you.” Adrian asked, taking the seat across from me.

I gave him a small smile, which I sure looked more like a grimace. “Hey.”

“You look like you’ve been through hell and back.” He didn’t know the truth behind that sentence.

“Long night.” Was all I could muster up, fiddling with my straw.

I didn’t know how to do this, with Savannah it was easier. She had easily accepted the truth with very little convincing involved, which wasn’t surprising since she still believed monsters lived in her closet. Adrian was different, he was so normal, average. I glanced up at him and he gave me a small smile. Everything about Adrian was soft and gentle.

Throughout my childhood, Adrian was always present. When Billy Frank pushed me down in the fourth grade, his hand was the first to reach out to me. When Jake Anderson called me ugly in middle school, he’s the one who called me beautiful until I couldn’t bear to hear it anymore. When my father died in high school, Adrian was the one who cradled me in his arms as I cried until the sun came up, ruining his favorite shirt.

It was Adrian, always Adrian. I knew I loved him and I always thought I’d want to be with him if given the chance, and here it was: my chance.

I peeked up at him through my hair that I let down earlier, he gave me his simple boyish smile that lightened his already soft features. It was like being home with him. Adrian and his family were my family too.

“I can feel where this is going…” Adrian gave a long sigh. “You regret last night and you called me out to tell me, right?”

I could see the pain in his baby blue eyes. His hair wasn’t the usual perfect style he normally had it in, instead he looked stressed, tense. I did this to him, I was making him go through this. Guilt riddled me, I couldn’t possibly tell him. It would just make things harder on him.

“N-no—“ I stammered out.

“Don’t spare my feelings, Alana. I may have been a little too excited last night, I’m sorry. I don’t want to rush you, to push you into a corner.” Adrian ran his fingers through his hair.

I needed to leave, I needed to leave now. Call me a coward, but I couldn’t do it. I was hurting him, he cared for me. What was I doing? Using him? That’s what it felt like. Just because I was stuck with my mistake doesn’t mean he needed to be dragged into this.

 “I should go… I need to think.” Think about everything. About my decision to sign the contract, the Angel’s, Leviathan, Adrian.

I looked down at the untouched pizza in front of me, my eyes starting to prickle, with tears ready to fall at any moment. I’ve been so stupid. I was lost, confused and alone. I wanted my best friend, the man sitting in front of me. I wanted him to understand and to accept me, to pick up the pieces like he always did.