A Silent Love

Time Will Tell

With only two weeks to Christmas, time had flown by. It felt like just yesterday that Rachel and I were looking up to the sky as the first snowflakes fell from the sky. That was nearly a month ago and Christmas has crept up on me again. Every year I say the same thing; next year I'll me more organised. And I promise myself that every time. But here I am again, about to promise that again. But I don't think I will this time. I'm just going to let it go and see what happens.

Rachel's been really busy of late. She got her part on Broadway! No surprise there, as I had no doubts that she would get it. She's away for six to seven hours a day, generally between nine and three but it can vary from day to day, but not by much.

Today Rachel and I are going Christmas shopping together. I'm the worst present buyer that ever lived and I have convinced Rachel to come with me to help me pick out some things. She has tried to persuade me that I pick great presents, but I don't believe it. I have always thought that people just put on a face when they open my gifts, just to satisfy me and think I've done a good job. And I think that's worse that just coming out and saying that you don't like it, or showing the disappointment on your face. If you never let anyone know that you don't like what they're getting you, how is it supposed to get better?

We arrived at the same shopping centre we had come to when I first arrived here, again making sure to park out of the centre itself, as usual, so that we could avoid the ceremonial traffic congestion.

I only need a few things because I don't have many people to give gifts to, there's really just Rachel, Puck, Beth and mum. Beth is usually easily pleased, but lately she's becoming more aware of things and is building higher expectations. Rachel I would have to wait and get hers by myself, because obviously I don't want her to know what I'm getting her. But I figured I could get a few hints from her as we walked around and what she commented on. She always knows the perfect thing to get people and maybe some of that talent can wear off on me.

It was fairly busy when we entered the centre, but not too overwhelming. We went straight to the kids' stores and a few ones that sold knick-knacks and looked for something for Beth. She's nine in the fall, and by god had she grown up fast. It seems like just yesterday that I had given her up at the hospital to Rachel's mum and been babysitting her. That was another way that Rachel and I bonded. Through her quest to know her birth mother, well only mother really, I had been around a lot because of Beth. Shelby and I had got along, but when I went through that stage of wanting Beth back, we had fought a bit and lost touch after a while. But I fixed things and I send a present to Beth every birthday and Christmas. It's hard to know sometimes because I don't see her enough to really know her and what's amazing in her world at the present time.

I wish that I could be able to see her more, but we live so far apart. I keep thinking that maybe I'll get lucky and see her more when she's in high school and bond greater with her then, as Rachel has with Shelby. I don't know how Rachel ever survived without a mother or someone to look to as a mother. I'm not close with my mum anymore, but that was partially my own fault. But before our feud, we were close and I don't know what I would have ever done without her. Now, I miss her quite a bit, but most of the time I'm fine. So I guess I can understand how she lasted without one, thinking about it now.

With growing up without a mum, I think it taught Rachel a lot more and she became more independent earlier than the rest of us. She is adored by her fathers without a doubt, but everyone needs a mother, or some person that they can trust as a mother figure. I don't think Rachel had that though. She had more girlfriends than boys, but was lucky to have friends because everyone hated her. But I guess that's high school for you, it's all about status. She has had to grow up a lot quicker than the rest of us, but I think in the long run, she's benefited from it no matter how hard it must have been back then. But it shows now and she's an amazing person because of it I believe. Though, she'd still be amazing no matter what. There's an aura about her that says that she's going places and is destined for success and greatness. That has shown as she is now working on Broadway, her lifelong dream, and hoping to gain access to teach at NYADA. That would be amazing if she does. She'd make a great teacher and I know she'd enjoy it because it's so performance orientated and she would love the idea of inspiring and motivating kids to push themselves and be the best that they can possibly be.

I would love to be a teacher too. It would be a dream come true if I ever get to teach at NYADA. But a small dance studio would suit me, either way. Somewhere off the main street, quiet and a little secluded but still central. Not too busy and hard to get parking at, but just perfect.

Rachel could be my special guest and come in and we could teach lessons together. That would be idyllic. If it were to ever happen that is. All this whirled through my mind as we shopped and before I knew it, we were headed out to the street to go home. I had satisfying presents for everyone I had planned except Rachel, obviously. I could get it later and I had an idea of what I wanted anyway.

We took a bit longer than expected and the rush had actually died down dramatically. It was at a pleasant amount of people both in the shopping centre and out on the street, driving and walking. I continued thinking about some of my future plans and dreams. I would have to make a decision on what I wanted to do, because soon enough Rachel will soon get sick of me just hanging around.

I hated when I over thought things and dwelled on them too much, as I had been just now. There is a possibility of a wonderful future for me with Rachel, but it depends on many things and are too many risks. Too much weighs on it that I'm not sure what the future looks like right now.

I thought about it so much that I believed myself and began to think it is going to happen. I was getting too carried away, and it's silly really. I shouldn't be acting like this over someone. And she probably doesn't even like me back in the way I do her. I love her. And not just a pet love, a real full blown love. I know that she's for me. But I don't know if she feels the same. I've began to think over time that she does feel the same back, if not already, but is growing too. But I can't be sure. Unless I hear it from her lips, I'll never fully believe it, just my head playing tricks with me and making believe that she does.

I'll never know if I never say anything, but I'm too terrified that I'll lose her if I do. She might freak out and not be able to cope with being around someone that she knows has feelings for her. It would get extremely awkward for sure.

I'm going to have to make a decision soon enough, I just hope I can make the right one. I love her so much, but as time goes on, I don't know if I love her enough to let her go in fear of losing her forever if I try and advance. I don't know if I can stand living with her as just a friend when I feel so much more. Time will be the judge of that I guess, I just wish it would hurry up in giving its verdict.