The Saint Jones [Completed]

chapter 44: An Angel

Sether

Helpless, weak and afraid.

Where is the Sether who keeps his shoulders high and never blinks in front of an uneasy moment in life? Where is the Sether who doesn't make easy and simple decisions, who doesn't listen to the orders of others, who do as he wants?

He is not here anymore.

My naked eyes are on her, her reflection in the clean mirror is neat in front of me. She looks astounded, afraid, confused, disoriented, all in one whole expression. I want to believe that I made the right decision by succumbing to her pleas, to her promises but her face, her huge eyes, her open mouth, her steep cheeks are telling me that I made the biggest mistake in my life. I don't want her to say a word, I don't need to hear a word from her, I know it all.

I won't be staggered if she runs into the front room and packs her stuff, puts on her clothes and sprints down the hills towards the nearest house or to find Chapman and tell him to help her out of here, I will understand of course. Another huge mistake I made was to asked her to be mine, to be my girlfriend, a waste.

When I'm with her, I tend to forget about my condition, the whole time we were together, in bed, I forgot about my sunglasses, I felt alive and free, I felt loved. But of course, it was an illusion, a small laps of time, it doesn't last forever. Never.

"Julian," she whispers, her eyes glossy, her hand on her mouth, smothering her voice. At this point mine started to get watery and glossy again, I lower my eyes, like a kid in front of his mother, I lower my eyes in front of her because I am literally sad and angry. Sad because I can feel the string loosing between her and I, and angry at myself. I want to cut my flesh, an idiotic thought.

"Ju-Julian, look up at me, stop cowering," she says. Something snap in my head as soon as the words leaves her red lips.

"Are you hearing yourself? Do you think-... do you fucking think this is the sweetest moment of my life, that I'm going to act as normal as ever? Have you ever been in a dark situation? Have you ever felt abandoned, like trash... like a piece of nothing?! Have you ever being rejected by the people who were supposed to love you until the end?... that's what I thought, so don't call me a coward. Never."

I look down at the wooden floor, at my toes, anger rising in me like fire. I don't want to mess things up between us, it felt like a dream earlier, I liked it, but apparently things are already messed up now. It's all happening like in a fog, so many things are tangled together, a wrong and mischievous mixture. I mean, minutes ago we were on the bed, ready to move to the other act, to trespass the red like, the dangerous line. And now here we are, in a complete opposite circumstance.

"I am sorry, okay, I did not meant it that way, I just want you to trust me and to look at me. Just look at me." Her sweet voice is holding desperation.

"Why? What's the point?" I say, fighting back the urge to explode, to cry out loud.

She has no idea how scared I am. I always care about what people will think of me if they discover what is hiding behind the dark sunglasses but right now, it's on another level, I am literally shaking, my insides are candied, my head is on the verge to chink in two, the pain is unbearable.

"I want to help you, that is the point," she says. I can feel her fingers back on me, soft, delicate, warm. It touches my skin deeply and I feel a sudden urge of confident, I don't know where it comes but it's like a change, far from the other feelings I'm feeling.

"I should not have bring you here with me," I mutter, admitting my thoughts. But deep down I know I'm not really agreeing with that, because I want her here with me, I want her everywhere with me, even if I shouldn't.