A White Room

Chapter 15

It didn't take a genius to figure out that Chandler was beyond nervous. He had sat up the moment Chris asked about his birthname, and now that he had confirmed that he was trans, he was fidgeting with his fingers and not meeting Chris' gaze. Staring down at his own lap. Chris slowly moved to a sitting position.

"Chandler, you don't need to be nervous. Do you really think I'd stop being your friend and supporting you over something as silly as this?" Chris said quietly.

"Others have," Chandler mumbled, still looking down. 

"I'm not others. I'm me. I'm Chris, nothing is going to push me away from you unless you really want me to leave."

"No!" Chandler said quickly, "I'll never want you to leave."

Chris smiled and gently grabbed one of Chandler's hands. It was done to be reassuring, and it's not like their fingers were laced together, but nonetheless Chandler's heart fluttered. "Then I'll always be here Chandler." Chandler leaned over and hugged Chris close, happy to have been accepted. Not everyone had always been so accepting. 

"I suppose I should tell you something then," Chris said softly.

"What is it?" Chandler asked.

"I know your brother... Zach." 

Chandler froze and went quiet, "You already knew I was trans didn't you."

"No," Chris said softly, "Zach used the name Chandler, and he him pronouns."

"He did?"

"Yeah, he did."

Chandler looked down, "He didn't when we were in high school."

"He never talked about his siblings to me when I was in high school with him."

"You went to high school with him?" Chandler asked.

Chris nodded, "Yeah. Halfway through the year I showed up, but yeah."

Chandler realized that his upperclassman crush he had all those years ago could've been Chris. He didn't ask about that now though, "Oh..."

"Yeah... Maybe overtime Zach has come to accept it."

"That would be strange," Chandler said, "he wasn't fond of any of my so-called issues."

"It's been a while since I talked with him, I don't know for sure," Chris said.

"When was the last time you and him talked?" Chandler asked.

Chris thought for a moment, "A few months before I met you."

Chandler nodded and went quiet. He sat there holding Chris' hand softly. Chris was quiet as well, for a few moments at least.

"I didn't even suspect it," Chris said, Chandler looked up. "That you were trans, had no clue."

"I've been on testosterone for as long as I've been on my schizophrenia meds... so since I was 13 or so," Chandler said. 

"That's young... I thought they didn't put kids on the hormones."

"If you bitch enough, people will do anything," Chandler said, "I was on shots then, around 17 or so I switched to a gel I just use on my shoulder everyday."

"How did you use it in the hospital?"

"When I first got up I was allowed to as long as I was civil with the nurses," Chandler answered. 

Chris nodded softly, and pulled Chandler close to him in a hug. "Sorry if I'm ignorant sometimes about the whole thing."

"It's okay, you're willing to try, and I love that," Chandler said as he moved closer to Chris. Chris wrapped both of his arms around Chandler and held him, Chandler rested his head on Chris' shoulder. 

"What else did Jimmy say?" Chandler asked, "I... I need to know."

Chris looked at Chandler and sighed softly, "He started by saying that he didn't mean it, and that he wasn't going to just accept you running off and move on like your family did. He seemed panicked when he heard the car drive off, saying that you better not be driving, and then... he said you should be back in the hospital for freaking out like that, saying that ignoring him won't make him leave... then he started to dead name you, and said he was going to text me and tell me you lied."

"I'm sorry for lying," Chandler said softly.

Chris shushed him some, "you didn't lie to me Chandler. You're a guy, born that way or not, you're a guy. You didn't lie."

Chandler smiled and nodded slightly, "And... what did he say to you."

"Chan... I don't want you worrying."

"I want to know Chris," Chandler insisted. 

Chris sighed, "He texted me originally saying that he had to tell me you lied, and then saying to me that Chandler wasn't your real name, which I disagree with. And... then told me to abandon you, and that you were nothing but trouble." Chris hugged Chandler tighter, "But I'd never do that. I'm not going to abandon you Chandler. I'm going to stay here with you."

Chandler was silent, he didn't know what to think or what to say. Maybe Jimmy isn't as kind and good as Chandler remembered. His memories did have a fondness to twisting and changing facts, such as his own appearance, what people called him, their reactions to him. Maybe Chandler's memories had played around, and made Jimmy seem better than he ever was. Jimmy was the closest to a caring friend Chandler ever had, but now he had Chris who seemed like the opposite of Jimmy. Could it possibly be that Jimmy had never cared? What would that mean for his past, could Chandler even trust his own memories?

"Chan, are you okay?" Chris asked softly.

"Frankly, no. I don't know if I can trust my own memories."

Chris brushed some stray hairs off of Chandler's face, "I can't help with that, I haven't been around long enough to tell you what is and isn't true about your past. But I'll be here for you as you try to sort through it all. I promise I won't leave."

"You said Zach never used my dead name?" 

"Not once. From what he said to me, he misses you if anything," Chris answered, "Why?"

"No reason," Chandler answered. It was odd to him though, he always remembered Zach and his whole family to be disappointing in him for his mental issues and disappointed in him for being trans as well.  Disappointed enough to kick him out when he was 18, forcing Chandler to move in with Jimmy for a few years. 

Chandler went to ask another question, but was stopped by the sound of a car pulling up to Chris' house and a car door slamming shut. Jimmy had come for Chandler. 

Just for clarification, I have nothing against Jimmy. But every good story has a bad guy. In real life, all the boys are the generous kind people we know.

In my story? Not so much.