A White Room

Chapter 7

The days waiting for Chris to visit again went slow for Chandler. Each second felt like a month and each day felt like a decade, so when Chris finally visited again on the Monday after Chandler's breakdown, Chandler was ecstatic. 

"Chris! We gotta talk," Chandler said as Chris walked in. 

"Woah, Chandler are you okay?" Chris asked. Chandler hadn't noticed, but dark purple bags had appeared under his eyes and Chris knew that means Chandler hadn't slept.

"I'm fine... Is this about what happened on Friday? Look, I'm sorry if I freaked you out or anything, you're one of my only friends and I didn't mean to freak you out I just-" 

"Chandler, you're rambling. And no, it isn't about Friday. I knew what I was getting myself into when I chose to be your friend. I knew you had breakdowns like that, it's alright. I told you I was your friend and wouldn't lie to you, that means now too," Chris reassured Chandler, "I mean you look like you haven't slept in days."

Chandler paused, had he slept? Besides Friday night he can't recall if he has. After waking up Saturday morning all he could think about was what he would say to Chris on Monday. Maybe he hasn't slept since then. "I slept Friday night, I can't remember much else."

Chris took the time of Chandler thinking to fully examine him. Long scratches traced down Chandler's forearms, and there were scratches on Chandler's neck as well. Chris reached out and gently touched Chandler's neck. "You scratched yourself up a lot too," concern showed in Chris' voice and on his face. Chandler could vaguely remember scratching his arms on Saturday, but not enough for there to be marks that would still show. He couldn't recall scratching his neck at all. "Chandler, what were you worrying about so much?"

"Well...do you want the full story or just the reason I was worried?" Chandler asked softly. Chris gently traced Chandler's cheek bone in thought before pulling his hand away from Chandler's face and neck. Chandler felt sparks shoot through where Chris touched and could feel the warmth of a blush creep onto his face, a blush Chris mistook for embarrassment.

"Full story please Chandler."

"Okay," Chandler said softly, "After you and Jimmy left on Friday, I tried to sleep like you asked me to, but couldn't manage it. Then my mind started to wander into flashbacks of when me and Jimmy were in high school at Greenville High, more specifically the first time Jimmy saw me freak out like I did on Friday." Chris recalled Zach telling him about that some too, Zach mentioned that the first time Chandler freaked out around Jimmy it was him that came to the rescue. That was also Chris' first day at Greenville high. 

"After I stopped dealing with the flashback I started to think about other things, like how Jimmy treats me after that, about my room here, the facility, all sorts of things. My pledge to myself to never fucking wear white again. Then my mind tracked to leaving here...Getting better mostly. I know what I have to do to get better, and to leave. I really considered it too. I would love to make videos with Jimmy again. But then I realized that if I left here without talking to you about it, I would likely never see you again. So I decided to talk to you about it, but then on Saturday and Sunday I kept wondering what I should say to you. Which made me worry because if Jimmy can only pity me than what about you? Jimmy is a childhood friend, you're not. You pitying me seems far more likely and I just...worried."

"You ramble when nervous," Chris offhandedly mentioned, "Chan, do you seriously want to leave here?"

"Yeah...I do. But I have nowhere to go if I leave, I don't want to just move in with Jimmy, not after everything he's done for me. And my apartment likely got emptied and sold, unless Jimmy kept paying for me," Chandler started. 

"He might've. He seems like he has more money than he understands what to do with."

"He does. But I don't want him to just throw money at me. It feels like pity," Chandler said. Chris realized Chandler really hated being pitied and made himself the mental note to never pity Chandler. 

"I mean, if Jimmy did keep paying then that's your housing after leaving solved right? But if he didn't for whatever reason, you can live with me. I have an extra room and I would love your company," Chris said.

"You really would?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah, and if you lived with me I would be able to help you stay on track for recovery. As for me never seeing you again if you leave, I'll just make sure I'm here when you do. Hell, I'll walk you out of this building when it's time myself Chan." 

Chandler smiled, he wondered why Chris always knew just what to say to make him smile. The thought of living with Chris made Chandler smile and blush. However, it seemed so appealing. 

"So, everything for afterwards is worked out. Only step left would be getting better. And that's only if you want to Chandler. Don't get me wrong, you getting better and us being able to hang out as friends outside of here seems fucking fantastic to me. But it is your life."

"When you leave today, could you please tell the nurses that I'm ready to cooperate?" Chandler asked Chris. 

"Of course Chandler. Anything for you." Chandler smiled so widely and hugged Chris, letting go quickly though because his arms stung the moment they made contact with Chris. Chandler looked down at his arms and wasn't surprised by how damaged they were. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't really looked at his arms since arriving at the facility, even after his jacket was removed. He just never thought about looking. Chris gently grabbed Chandler's wrist to look at Chandler's arm. 

"Next time you're nervous or worried, try breathing instead. Or try setting yourself away from the situation. Just," Chris paused thinking, "when you're worried just think about what me or Jimmy would do in your situation or something similar. Maybe it'll help you distance yourself from the problem."

"I promise I'll try," Chandler said, looking at Chris. Chris looked up from Chandler's arm.

"Well trying is the first step to succeeding."