A White Room

Chapter 20

TW: This chapter is going to look on Chandler and Jimmy's past relationship, it's going to include a lot of emotional and physical abuse, as well as: Mention of suicidal thoughts, cutting, reference to sex/sexual abuse, transphobic slurs, extreme compulsions. If that would be triggering to you at all I beg of you not to read this and simply comment and ask me for a synopsis of the chapter. Stay safe.

Chandler's mind went back to his younger age, not by much but enough. Enough to remember how horrible things had been.

***

Chandler was sitting on the couch in the apartment he and Jimmy had just gotten, scrolling through his phone calmly. He was bored out of his mind and was waiting for Jimmy to get home. Chandler's head shot up when he heard the front door open and then shut, he smiled softly seeing his childhood best friend and current boyfriend. "Hey Jimmy."

"Hey Chan," Jimmy smiled at him, "What have you been up to today?"

"Looking online, nothing good." 

Jimmy's smile fell into a straight line, "All day?"

"Well.. Yeah," Chandler said, "Had a rough morning so I didn't feel up to doing much today."

"Did you take your meds?" Jimmy asked.

Chandler shook his head no slowly, "The ones that I was just switched to have horrible side effects so I'm not going to take them."

"So you're choosing to put me at risk because of some mild side effects?" Jimmy asked.

"W-what no?" Chandler said, taking a step back, "I'd never hurt you Jimmy... You know that."

"Do I?" Jimmy accused, "You clearly would rather put me in danger than anything else. Not too different from hurting me yourself."

Chandler looked around some, avoiding eye contact with Jimmy. "You can't even look me in the eyes Chelsea. God, no wonder your family kicked you out."

"They didn't kick me out!" Chandler said, "You asked me to move in with you."

Jimmy smiled softly, it looked like he was concerned, but in truth he was plotting. He turned around and gently took Chandler's hands in his own, "No I didn't baby. You had to move in after they kicked you out. It's not your fault though. They just don't appreciate you like I do, I love you."

"I love you too Jimmy," Chandler said, carefully holding Jimmy's hands. 

"Go take your meds. Now." Chandler nodded softly and let go of Jimmy's hands, quickly moving into the bathroom where they kept Chandler's meds. He looked at the bottle for his new schizophrenia medications. 

Side Effects: Vomiting, Fainting, Depression, Dry Mouth, Headaches, Insomnia, Suicidal Thoughts. 

Chandler wanted to not take them, the few weeks he has been taking them cutting has become an almost intoxicating thought for him. In between thoughts of Jimmy all he could think about was slitting his wrists deep enough to not wake up. Chandler sighed and took the meds. Carefully setting the bottle down and closing it afterwards. He looked into the bathroom mirror, he was almost blind to his real appearance. He saw the brown eyes that held life, not the bruises around them. He saw his happy smile, not the bite marks on his neck that were scabbed over. He saw his long sleeve shirt from Jimmy, not the cuts down his arms. 

"Chandler?" Jimmy called from their bedroom.

Chandler tore his eyes away from the mirror, "Yeah Jimmy?"

"Can you come here Babe?"

"Coming!" Chandler replied, opening the bathroom door and going to the bedroom. He opened the door to see something small in Jimmy's hands. It was silver. "What's that Jimmy?"

"Take your shirt off. Now," Jimmy ordered. Chandler paused for a moment, but followed the command and pulled off his long sleeve shirt. Jimmy's hand grabbed Chandler's arm. "You've been cutting. God, you're so fucking useless. You had the guts to tell me that you were going to be clean as well." 

Chandler's lower lip trembled, "Jimmy it's not what you think."

"What else could those be from?" Jimmy accused, "Hm? Did you call down the stairs and end up having perfectly aligned cuts?"

"It's the meds the-"

"Now you're making excuses??" Jimmy interrupted, "I should've left your ass on the streets." Chandler had tears flowing down his face. "But I couldn't do that to you," Jimmy said. Chandler looked up, hopeful. "You'd get killed in a day for being a damn useless tranny."

"I know," Chandler said quietly.

Jimmy let go of Chandler's arm and gently lifted his chin to look into big brown eyes, "Not to me though. The rest of the world thinks that but you're my beautiful boyfriend aren't you?" Chandler nodded quickly. "I love you Chandler."

"I love you too," Chandler said quickly. Hoping that Jimmy forgot about the cuts and the blade. 

"However," Jimmy said, "I can't just let you get away with cutting yourself." Chandler cringed and braced for what he knew was going to come. Jimmy raised his hand.

***

Chandler was sobbing, Chris' arms were around him. Chris had no clue what Chandler was remembering, Chris didn't know how to help his lover. "Chan, talk to me," He whispered softly, "what's wrong?" 

"Remembering Jimmy... what he did... what he made me do," Chandler said. Chris gently held Chandler's face and wiped away the tears.

"I know it hurts," Chris said softly, "But he won't hurt you anymore. You'll be safe here Chan."

Chandler shook some, "He made me take meds... that were making me suicidal again... I started cutting again due to them... Jimmy hit me... he slapped me for cutting..." He broke off with a sob. Chris pulled Chandler into his lap softly and rubbed Chandler's back. Chandler was sobbing and curling close to Chris. "I... I looked horrible... I remember looking in a mirror and I thought I looked fine! I looked happy! But... I didn't... I had black eyes, bruises..." 

"Chris, he told me he would've left me on the streets!!" 

"You weren't ever on the streets," Chris said softly. 

Chandler nodded some, he knew that reasonably, "He said I was... said I was on the streets for a few days before he took me in... said I was too doped up out of my mind to remember..." 

"He's wrong," Chris said softly, "I couldn't ever see you doing that." Chris meant it when he said that, because he knew what that was like. He knew what it was like to get so high you didn't remember the day, or if you did remember it was blurry. Chandler wouldn't ever willingly take drugs, Chris could tell that. But never willingly taking them and never taking them were different, and that was Chris' fear. Chris was now scared that Jimmy might've drugged Chandler. 

Chandler looked at Chris, "You always think so much."

"I'm just... worried he might've drugged you at one point or another..."

"Why think that?"

"Why else would he have mentioned you doing drugs?"

"I never have."

"Exactly," Chris said, "But Jimmy apparently said you had. Seems unreasonable he would say that without some reason or inspiration."