A White Room

Chapter 19

That night both boys barely slept. Chandler kept having auditory hallucinations, causing him to sit up and look around a lot. Chris kept double checking that all doors and windows were locked about every hour. Both were aware how strange they must've looked to anyone else, but no one else was there. Chris was always calm and helped to reassure Chandler after every hallucination, and Chandler would help Chris check the locks. 

Chandler wouldn't admit it to Chris, but he suspected that Chris might have some form of paranoia or obsessive compulsive disorder. If he had it, Chris didn't realize it. That's something that Chris would have told Chandler. Nonetheless, Chandler helped Chris however he could. Staying calm even after reassuring Chris for the tenth time that 'Yes all the locks are locked. We made sure of it.'

They both managed to catch a little bit of sleep late into the night, however Chris didn't sleep long. He woke up around 6 am, and went down to the kitchen to make Chandler's cup of coffee, and make himself a cup of black tea for caffeine, they both would need the energy today. Chandler climbed out of bed closer to 7. He walked into the kitchen and took a small collection of medications. 

"Your coffee is on the counter. Green cup." 

"Thanks Chris," Chandler said, smiling softly. 

Chris was looking into his cup of tea, and sighed. "Chan, you still want to head to the cops today?"

Chandler paused for a moment, he knew that things would only get worse unless they reported it. But if they report it, and the cops do nothing, and Jimmy and Katie find out... then Chandler and Chris would be in even more danger. "We have to try right?"

"I'll go grab the letters I have. Make sure your phone is charged," Chris said. He set down his cup of tea and then walked out of the room. Chandler sighed and leaned against the counter. Chandler really only felt one thing, worry. He was worried that this would make the situations with Jimmy and Katie worse, he was worried that his memories were still lying to him. Chris had helped him sort it out some, and helped explain how Jimmy's behavior looks to others. But Chris didn't know everything. Most of all though, Chandler was worried for Chris. Chandler knew Chris had a drug addiction in the past, and stress easily pushes people back towards those vices. Chandler also suspected that Chris had some sort of diagnosed mental illness, and Chandler knew first hand how damaging not knowing about those things can be. 

Chris walked back down, a shoe box with him. Was that whole box letters from Katie? How long has she stalked him? He said he was diagnosed with depression 4 years ago, and that happened after the break up. Had she been stalking him for 4 years? Why has he waited to go to the cops? Chandler's head was swirling with questions when he saw the box. Chris took notice of it. "Chandler, you need to ask the questions to get an answer."

"You're willing to answer my questions?" Chandler asked.

Chris smiled at Chandler weakly, "Yeah. I love you Chan. I'll answer whatever questions you ask."

"How long has she stalked you?" 

"A little over 2 years," Chris said, "When we first broke up she didn't care about me. I became a druggie who cut himself up, why worry about me? After I got better, and got my job at the hospital, that's when she started stalking me."

Chandler nodded softly, "Is the box letters?"

"Letters and screenshots of conversations from fake accounts."

"Why did you wait? Why not go to the cops immediately?"

Chris paused at that one, he hadn't expected that question. "I thought I'd sound crazy, and Katie has a way with words. She could easily twist the story to make herself the victim."

"Jimmy can do that too..."

They both sighed. "Chandler maybe... maybe we shouldn't. Katie and Jimmy... They are too good at lying. Jimmy has a reputation in the community of being helpful as well. People might think that we're doing this to give Jimmy more publicity. Boost his followers or something." Chandler nodded, agreeing. Things would be too suspicious still. Chandler was suddenly doing a 180 switch on how he interacted with Jimmy, many people might think it was faked. Also, with Jimmy's fame, the whole thing would be all over the internet. Chandler didn't even trust his memories enough to be able to do the interviews he knew would come. 

"We can wait..." Chandler said, but then he remembered in the letter that Katie and Jimmy threatened his family. "Can we go see my family though?"

Chris nodded, "Yeah. Maybe they'll help you sort through your memories as well. Zach misses you as well. I know that much."

"I miss them too."

"Want to do that today?" Chris set the box down on the coffee table and walked over to Chandler. Chandler nodded gently. "Alright, wanna go now?"

"No. Let's leave at like 11?"

"Okay Chandler." Chandler couldn't help but smile widely. Jimmy was never willing to do things when Chandler wanted to. Things had to be done when Jimmy said they did. Chris was much kinder, and always seemed to want Chandler's opinion on when things should be done. Chandler didn't know which one should be the norm, he did know that he preferred Chris' way of doing things. 

"Chris... are there secrets you're keeping from me?" Chandler asked.

Chris looked at Chandler and smiled softly, almost regretfully. "Less keeping secrets, more so not knowing how to talk about things." Chris chuckled nervously, "Kind of ironic huh? The guy who has a psychology degree, and works as an in hospital as a therapist can't take his own advice." Chris was looking at Chandler, but Chandler could still recognize the face Chris was making. The same face Chandler makes about himself all the time. Disappointment. 

"Chris, it's hard for humans to take their own advice. It's human nature. We have a sense of self preservation, and an urge to help others... but most don't have a sense of self betterment," Chandler said. He was thinking for the right words to say. "It's okay that sometimes you don't know how to talk about things. Sometimes it's better to just say it how your brain strings it together, and then work from there... I think that's the best way at least."

"You don't need to end your advice by making it seem less valid by saying 'I think' or 'at least in my opinion'. It makes you look... like you doubt yourself. It makes what you say look less valid. Lots of victims do it."

"So that's the right word in the situation huh?" Chandler said, "Victims..."

"What other words apply to what Jimmy did to you..."

Chandler was quiet. He suddenly remembered what Jimmy would call those things. The degradation, the gaslighting, the lack of choice and opinion. 'It's for your own good.' Jimmy's voice echoed in Chandler's head. 

"You wouldn't like what Jimmy used to call it," Chandler said to Chris. He was looking past Chris as he remembered so many things that he had forgotten due to Jimmy.