Coloured Me Grey (Book Two)

Chapter 15

Mild trigger warning. Riyaaz isn't in a good place mentally. Please bear with him.

"What are you doing, Yash?" I yanked away my hand from his hold. That brat grabbed my hand again in a stronger grip this time. I couldn't even try to wrench it free of his hold.

I almost thought he had seen my scars.

Yash dragged to the men's washroom and stopped at the sinks. He cupped his hands under the water, and wait for it... he poured it on my head.

"What the fuck?"

He ran his wet hands all over my face, behind my ears and through my hair, patting it down.

I'll punch you so bad you'll forget what you look like. You don't know me. You dare -

Stop it. He's definitely trying to help.

"Great, I have wet hair now. What were you even thinking?"

"Don't tell me you'll catch a cold just from this." Yash took out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped my face clean. But the pounding headache I sported made me wince once in a while. He was standing so close that I could smell the light, soothing perfume on him.

He looked concerned.

"I need a coffee," I pushed him away all of a sudden as other boys were entering the washroom, and casting curious glances at us.

"You've had at least five cups of coffee in between the classes since the morning. It's the lunchbreak now. Get some food from the canteen."

"I'm not hungry," I walked out of the washroom with Yash hot on my heels.

"I know you didn't have time for breakfast in the morning. How are you not hungry?" he grabbed my wrist from behind and I winced.

He is not going to see my scars. Not today.

"Bloodshot eyes," he whispered. "You rarely sleep in late. Your voice, your gestures, the way your looking at me right now... none of it feels right." I didn't like watching him piece it all together. "Have you been crying, Riyaaz? What's wrong?"

"Why do you care?" I pulled myself away from him to get to the coffee machine. 

He thinks I am weak. Now he will start to pity me. Like Ishan's friends did when they got to know everything. Pity is the reason behind all those who befriend me.

"This isn't you, Riyaaz. What happened last night?"

"This is me, okay?" I spat back. "This is the real me. This..." I gestured frantically between the two of us, "This is what happens when you try to get close to me. Stay the fuck away."

"But Riyaaz -" Yash looked scared.

There you go, the reaction you've always wanted from those around you. People should fear you.

"Leave me the fuck alone."

Are you fucking happy now?

Yes.

You need to apologize.

Not now. Not today. Not when I'm hell bent on hurting everyone as well as myself. Not when I'm constantly reminding myself of what a 'freak' I am.

***

I reclaimed my corner once I entered Pramila Ma'am's studio. Slumping down against the wall and hugging the backpack to my chest, I let my eyelids droop down for a split second.

My head starts to swim in the pitch black abyss I have gotten myself into. I am falling from a great height, I know there isn't any solid ground to break my fall. 

If only I could end myself, then I would be free. I know there is no life beyond death. It is the end. I wish I could cease to exist without a single whisper.

I wish Yash would hate me forever because of today -

You have not changed at all. You claim you have changed, you claim you have stopped hurting people. But deep down, you're the same old Riyaaz getting off on bullying others. You are not any different from your father.

Please, not my father. I'll be anything but my father.

I jolted awake with the slamming of a door. Four boys trooped into the studio, raising a buzz amongst themselves.

I don't want it to end just yet. I want to be big and famous - for something good - I want people to remember me once I pass away - remember me because I was worthy of love and fondness.

Thank the gods, I was in a dark corner of the studio all by myself. My classmates did not need to see what a snivelling mess I could be.

"Riyaaz," Pramila Ma'am's voice boomed from the front of the classroom. When did she come in? "Pay attention."

I muttered a quiet sorry. It was hard - really hard to pay attention to her instructions. And when she started to hand out cuboidal blocks of wood and a more complex design to etch on it, I found myself staring blankly at it, unable to move my arms.

This is your final internal assignment for the course. Don't fuck this up.

You fuck up everything you lay your eyes on.

"Riyaaz." I knew Pramila Ma'am was standing before me, watching me with growing curiosity. "Are you okay?" I was mentally grateful for the fact that her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Ma'am, I don't feel good." My voice quivered, "Can I start this tomorrow? I really want to go home. Please, ma'am."

"Yeah, sure. Go, get some rest. You look terrible. Get better soon alright, you still have four more days to finish this. Don't have to worry."

I made a dash for the door. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want to feel all that I was feeling now.

You let one man alone do this to you, Riyaaz. You weakling.

"Dadabhai -" my sister started in a cheerful voice but my vision was already blurred with tears by the time I reached home.

You're so weak.

"Not now, Zara," I managed before shutting the door to my room behind me. "Not today, please. I'm sorry."

I promise I'll apologize to everyone one by one. Just not when I'm drowning in self loathing. Give me some time, please.

***

Take care, guys! Will update very soon again!