Coloured Me Grey (Book Two)

Chapter 25

Mental health is extremely important, guys, especially when we are stuck at home like this. Please take care of yourself, try to communicate your feelings to your loved ones and most importantly, SEEK HELP.

This is a flashback chapter. Why is this here at this point in the story — this will make sense in the next chapter, I promise.

Oh, and be careful of the trigger warning mentioned later in this chapter. Take care. ❤

I hated myself. I hated every waking hour of my existence. It was as if I wouldn't let myself rest if I didn't do something about it. As if I was compelled to thrust my chin up and face the mistakes I had done for the past few years of my life. It was time to repent for them.

Having Shivam as a friend was a mistake in itself.

Whom are you blaming, Riyaaz? If you were truly a good person, not even a dozen of Shivams could make you do all that you did to Ishan.

Remember that one time the two of you cornered Ishan in the school toilet, and Shivam just shoved his hand in Ishan's trousers and palmed his crotch to check his 'manhood'? After all, "What guy with a penis and two balls can ever fall for another guy?"

Where was your conscience then? What did you do to stop him, you twisted fuck?

What will Ishan do when he sees me putting up an act begging his forgiveness and all? He would definitely think all this was an act, right? Literally, a dumb charade to cleanse my conscience. That's why I was doing it, right? Just for myself.

What was I doing with this flickering hope? Pinch the wick and put out the flame already.

'I hurt you and scarred you in every way possible only because I loved you and was afraid to show it.' What was I even thinking? Was that all I could offer him in return for so many years of bullying and assault?

Internalised homophobia. Peer pressure. Daddy issues. Mommy issues. Fractured family. I knew these overused fancy words by heart now, but nothing stood any closer to excuse my behaviour.

"What are you doing here?" Tuhin had opened the door to the apartment where Ishan lived with his family.

I mean, I could ask him the same thing when he practically looked like he lived there. A loose vest, equally worn out shorts complete with dishevelled hair; evidently, he had stayed the night. Oh..., I felt colour rising up to my cheeks. The suddenness of the situation had thrown me off the loop for a bit.

"I don't think Ishan could be expecting you of all people turning up like this. If you're looking for trouble, I suggest you leave before I go all Hulk on you and give you another scar to match the one on your forehead," he leant lazily against the door frame.

I did not feel the old mad rage building up inside me anymore like it used to whenever I saw Tuhin. The person who stole Ishan away from me. The person who was doing a much better job at being by Ishan’s side than I ever could have. "Can I speak to Ishan? Is he home?"

Maybe the fiddling of my fingers gave me away but at that, he straightened up. I could feel his eyes sizing me up, contemplating whether this could mean putting Ishan in danger.

"What is it, Tuhin? Who is at the door?" A distant, familiar voice came from inside the apartment.

Tuhin looked at me dead in the eye. I got his message loud and clear. "Come on in then," he stepped aside to let me in and shut the door behind us.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Ishan was livid with rage.

"Ishan -"

"Don't you dare take my name. Cornering me at school is one thing, coming to my house - I will not -" Ishan pressed his temple. "What are you doing here?"