My Demons

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter 19

            I spent my whole life alone. As a child and adolescent, I isolated myself from everyone, even my family. Of course, there were some exceptions, such as my senpai in England, Hiroki, Ryuto, and finally Takahiro. But even with them, I stood far away in terms of letting them know the real me. I knew them and I knew deeper aspects of their personality, but they didn’t know me deep down. They knew the Akihiko on the outside, not the one caged up on the inside of my soul.

            The main reason I locked myself away was because I didn’t want them to know about my demons deep down. I didn’t want them to find out that I’m a beast that, once escaped, cannot be locked back up.

            When I fell in love with Ryuto, it became increasingly harder and harder to keep myself locked away. I wanted him to know everything about me and I wanted to spend more and more time with him. As I tried to open up to him, he kept pushing me back down. The pain of being rejected by him was worse than anything else I had ever experienced. All the years of loneliness that was piled inside of me lashed out into anger and I became aggressive towards the boy I loved. The aggressive beast inside of me unleashed, and I was powerless to stop it.

            When I started to fall in love with Takahiro, after Ryuto’s suicide, I knew I could never let the same thing happen again. I tried even harder to lock away the demons. I distanced myself even more from him than I did with Ryuto. It was easy to do, actually. I knew for a fact that he wasn’t homosexual and was not in love with me. With Ryuto, I thought for sure that he loved me and he had told me he frequently thought about other men sexually. I let myself start to slip a few times with Takahiro, but I always pulled back before the anger was released. Luckily, he never caught on to my advances and only thought of me as a caring friend.

            With Misaki, the beast came out and I, unknowingly, began to merge with it. I only realized that I had let my old self escape when I spent that week away from him. The nightmare I had with Misaki and Ryuto was the turning point. As I looked back, I began to notice the patterns. I was aggressive towards both of them. I was clingy and protective over both of them.

            However, Misaki didn’t act like I was hurting him like Ryuto did. When he indirectly begged to stay with me and cried on the phone, I knew that he never once thought I was mean to him. He loved me and he knew just how much I treasured him. I knew that night on the train that the two boys were different. I had to stop comparing them. I had to stop living in the past. That would only make me more controlling and it would certainly drive Misaki away.

            Misaki… I never knew I could love someone so much.

            I never had a problem being alone until I spent that week without him. Even though I spent the whole time pushing him away in my mind, I was still unbearably lonely. When he was finally back with me, I had never been so happy in my life. He is my lifeline. I want to be near him all the time and I want him to know me, all of me, eventually.

            I can’t hold back and stay away from him. Sometimes, I really wish I could so the beast couldn’t hurt him, but it hurts both of us too much to not be together. He didn’t actually tell me point-blank that he missed me and was lonely while he was away, but there were signs that I picked up on.

            I’m so insecure when it comes to him. I know deep down that he loves me and cares for me, but I just wish he’d say it. Not hearing him say those things makes me wonder if I’m just imagining his feelings for me. After Ryuto, I knew that I shouldn’t assume someone else’s feelings are what I think they are, especially in a romantic way.