My Name Is Bill Cipher One Shots

July 2016: Tyler

July 2016
Tyler's POV

I can hear her sobbing through the door. I don't know whether to go in or not. Will I just make it worse? Do I remind her too much of him? Another agonized cry tears from her, and my heart breaks. I can't take it any longer.
I sigh, giving in. "Mom, I'm coming in," I announce, knocking on the door, then pushing it open.
She sits doubled over at the headboard of the bed, her back heaving with sobs. My heart is already shattered; now it feels like those pieces are being taken away.
I crawl into the bed next to her and ease her into my lap. She collapses into my chest, tears flowing down her flushed cheeks. I wrap my arms around her tightly. "I love you so much, Mom. I love you. He did, too."
"My b-baby!" she bawls, crying into her hands.
My eyes fill with tears. Our Yule. He's really gone. How is it possible to miss someone this much? I loved him. I should have told him about what I really am. He would have understood. Of course he would've. He was Yule. Yule always understood. He could've helped me. We could've helped each other. If I had just been paying more attention, if I had gone with him, maybe he wouldn't have been killed...
I would've protected that kid with my life. If only he had told me!
I break down, burying my face into her hair. I breathe in deeply, taking in her familiar, calming scent. "I miss him, Mom. I miss him so much."
"I know," she whimpers back. "God help us, I know."
I want to die. I want to not exist anymore. If I don't exist, I won't feel, and the feelings I have right now are worse than death.
But I can't die. Not while Mom is here. Not while someone else is buried under all this grief.
Perhaps I should just tell her. She won't want me anymore, but then I could know. I would know that there's no other use for me, and Mom could suffer through this agony directly from me, rather than find it out herself later.
I'm so exhausted. I don't feel like I can do anything anymore. The worst part is, I don't even care. Yule was all that mattered. Now that he's gone, I just don't see a point anymore.
Mom shudders in my arms. Well, no point anymore other than her.
"I'll take care of you. I- I'll never leave you." What am I thinking? I can't tell her! If I dropped the truth on her and left, she might die from heartbreak, and I could never forgive myself for the death of my last living family.
Mom cries harder, holding fast to me. "S-Stay! Stay tonight. S-S-Sleep here. I can't be alone."
"Yeah, I will. Don't worry."
"How- How will I do it, Tyler? How will I bury my son? My- My son! My Yule! Baby, baby, no, please, come back, come back!"
The thought nearly makes me throw up. We're going to have to bury him. A sob escapes my throat, then a whimper.
"Miles," Mom sobs my father's name, her voice choked and shattered, "Miles!"
"Dad, bring him back," I beg, Mom shaking in my arms. "Please, bring him back."
I feel like I'm drowning in this grief. I don't know if I'll ever reach the surface again. Where it was bright, and beautiful, and happy... Yule was at the surface. Dad was, too. Are they together now? Are they happy? Then I should be, too, but I'm not, I'm not...
"H-He told m-me we would always be t-t-together!" Mom cries, her face buried in my chest, her tears wetting my shirt. "And- And when he left, he said he-he'd always be in here," Mom puts her hand over her heart, "but it doesn't feel like he's there any-anymore! It's so da-a-ark!"
"What can I do, Mom?" I ask, desperate to make her tears stop, even though mine won't. They may never, but if I can help her...
"Just don't go!" she just about screams, lost in hysteria. "Tyler, please, please, you're all I have! Hold me, hold me..."
So I do. After an hour or so, I feel her go limp as she cries herself to sleep. I, on the other hand, can't. My brother's death occupies my every thought. I thought I was miserable before this. I was so, so wrong.
My stomach aches with its constant hunger pangs. That's something I learned about myself, being a changeling, very early on. I can't make it go away. I can eat and eat and never stop, but it will never make a difference. My body was never meant to be eating human foods, I suppose. My own body gives me a constant, nagging reminder that I'm not human, that I'm not good enough, that I'm the one who killed my father and my brother.
Who's next? My mother?
My stomach lurches. Oh, God, please no, my luck could kill her, too. I swallow down the bile, trying to keep still so she doesn't wake up. What do I do? I can't leave her, but will she ever truly be safe if I'm here? I don't know what to do...
Why did I have to be born? Why did this have to happen to me? I'll never truly belong here. I'm a monster. Where is he? Where is the real Tyler? He has everything I should've had. I'm stuck in a world my own body isn't compatible with. And I've suffered. I never would've known this grief had I not been here.
I cry softly, never more grieved and conflicted in my life. There's nothing I can do to make myself happy again, and there's nothing I can do to keep Mom safe and loved either.
What's better? Safety or love?
There's no right decision I can make.